Saturday, April 18, 2020

Sun's Gonna Shine, Winds Gonna Blow

But he was not well yet, I had spoken too soon.  P is not coming out of the virus as we had hoped for yesterday when he was upright and playing guitar, watching movies and making jokes about sagging balls.  Yes, he was still very sick but it felt more manageable.  There was energy, an assurance he was on the mend.  I thought today would be a small notch up from there but instead he's taken some steps backwards.  

Today, he had another of those delirium episodes where he lost touch with reality. I'm still not exactly sure what happened.  I went in the other room after breakfast because he told me to and thinking I'd give him the living room to do his thing.  He was about to set up and play his guitar so my concern level was down. I came out to check on him just at the tail end of this thing to find him in a very bad state.  As he reassured me he was okay, he was clearly not because he said it like 10 times, all whispery and out of breath and his eyes were half closed, laying face down.  I sat with him for 2 hours as he tried to get his breathing calm and finally was able to sleep.  As we have many times throughout this I contemplated calling the doctor again.  The doctor told us plainly already based on what we had gone through to expect bad things but when or if they become unmanageable, to call him and he will advise.  So the next stage would be to see if you need to be admitted and we've all read the ending to that little story! I think no non-senior New Yorker wants to go to the hospital right now for many reasons. If possible it's best to handle your symptoms at home.   I decided to wait until he wakes, it's late Saturday night now so it's not a great time for any of this. 

Waiting, I confessed I'm a terrible nurse and horrible partner for resenting his negativity yesterday, joking about his perkiness.  It was too soon. That's the thing, there is very little funny about this whole state of affairs, especially being here in the city, where tragedy is striking without warning.  It's a mental game trying to recover let alone while your partner is in the throes as well.  I was almost happy to be annoyed by him again, to have some sense of normalcy in this apartment.  This asshole bug is deceptive and mysterious. 

I also had another attack of the clenching chest pains last night and inability to catch a full breath for long enough to start getting a plan to wake P and call that doctor, but it passed.  Again, we aren't celebrities. The doctor doesn't have anything to prescribe for COVID-19, even sedatives could be dangerous if you're having issues with  breathing, he said.  I read this bug tries to attack any part of your body, and now mind... neurological stuff is not off the table, nor is your heart.  So with all of that, COVID-19 is a very unwanted guest in this place as you might imagine.  I want it to be gone from here, never to return. 

I made a breakfast of eggs, arugula and tofurkey sausage knowing occasionally real food, as opposed to cereal can tempt your senses to come out of their misery.  This morning, so long ago, that didn't happen.  I sit here in a dark quiet apartment tonight praying P does not have another episode and we can all laugh about this some day soon. 

Coronavirus is a real jerk. That's a nod to P and his fascination with Norm Macdonald.  A joke we actually found hysterical just yesterday.

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