It's Coming Around Again

Last night at work I had a chest pain that I thought was going to take me straight to the boneyard.  It lasted about 2 minutes and then it became a low grade ache that lasted a week.  I was at work and it was so bad that I felt I had better warn my coworker in case I dropped dead.  My coworker said, it's probably the virus, attacking your lymph nodes.  She studies about the body and has been my advisor since COVID.  She is interested in the Long Haul and understanding how it affects the body.  She usually yells at me, like its my fault when I get sick but then becomes intrigued with my symptoms. My ticker is good, I've had tons of tests.  Riding home out of breath and miserable, I figured she was right and later learned, she was indeed.  The COVID got me again.  It was a much milder version but because it comes with such a bizarre set of symptoms, I would never call it an easy ride.  When my body gets run down, its as if the virus comes alive again and wreaks havoc on my bladder, my heart, my muscles and nervous system.  Its always felt like the first virus never left my body.  It's certainly plausible that I could have contacted the various variants individually, but instead I believe the first version has never gone away.  

But life goes on and meals must be eaten.  I took advantage of the amazing lunch menu at Deniz, ordering the Chicken Kebab. On the other end of the phone, I hear yelling 'didn't you read the menu, the Chicken special is only available Monday through Thursday.  Friday must be lamb!  Don't you see it written??!!  Yeah, yeah, I say, no worries dude, I'll take the lamb.  Geez!  It was so delicious that I forgot all about the scolding.  Everyone is so intense in this town.

So Take A Good Look At My Face

Ground Pork Vindaloo with Potatoes from Myheartbeets.com

Got potatoes and ground meat but want a more incredible taste sensation?  This Easy Pork Vindaloo dish delivers! An unexpected delight!

The Incident

I admit, I am no stranger to strange but even I can get spooked.   I feel it's important to document the post COVID oddities that continue to happen, if only to process them for myself.  This one was particularly remarkable and so mind boggling that I didn't even share it with my sister and I tell her everything.  It wasn't until today that I could truly look back on it. 

Neither P nor I can recall how it all started.  I believe it was early afternoon, a couple of weeks ago, a day off when I became very dizzy and felt I had to lay down.  I was having trouble speaking and felt I was not getting enough air, which is not so uncommon post COVID.  At the time and definitely now, it all felt more like a dream.   I laid down on my bed, but was restless because my heart was skipping beats sporadically, like I had swallowed jumping beans, but then slowed almost too much.  After that I was overcome with what I'll call emotion but words can't express much of what I felt that day.  Giant waves of the most stunningly, vivid images flooded my head.  I cried, hysterically, like a confused lunatic, not knowing how to process any of this at first.   My head and hands were tingling and eerily warm but my body was so cold.   I've had mild post COVID dizziness and fuzziness but this quickly became very extra.     

P was scared, we thought I might be having a stroke.  We wrestled a few moments with calling the doctor but had no idea what we'd say.  I became very calm so in my limited way, I attempted to explain what was occurring in my body. all the while, this explosion of elation kept pouring in.  All I knew was I clearly needed to stay with it long enough to see it through and that it was the coolest thing I'd ever felt.  But yes, I also wondered if maybe I was dying.  Although physically I was in this uncomfortable state, my mind felt separated and able to watch overhead somehow.  The palpitations subsided and eventually I felt moved to go sit by the window.  My head hit like lead against the sill where it rested. like a giant dead weight, trying to take in the fresh air.  In a few short moments, a miraculous soft breeze, that was also a light and warmth hit my face and came into me.  Came straight through, and right away began speaking to me!  I was smiling and tears poured down, taking it in like a miracle. There was no way to describe this level of wonder to P but I tried my best.  All of my senses strained to process and experience this light but proved completely useless.  There were no words spoken, yet I understood everything.  There was nothing to see, yet I was shown everything within seconds.   Whatever it was, this air or light or form was the most loving, pure sensation.  And it came in the softest of wind and communicated with me, and yes I know that sounds mental.  At the same time a bubble surrounded us where every particle of space was alive and aware.  I could not even look it was too beautiful, yet I did see. Psychedelics trips from many years ago pale in comparison.   The amount of what I'll call information coming through was infinite but all so merciful and kind.  A tsunami of reassurance and love, right there in front of me, in me, around me, somehow. How incredible it was.  

I'd say I'll never forget it but I can't access most of the memory now, and have a very hard time swallowing it logically.  If it weren't for me describing every detail to P who served as a witness, I think I might easily chalk it up to illusion.  I was able to convey enough though that he was visibly moved and said he felt jealous witnessing this experience that he could not step into it but was only inches from the whole time.  He could see everything in my face as I was also in sincere disbelief even as it happened and must have appeared in shock.  And by the way, P is not one to welcome silly notions, ever.  Something inexplicable really happened that day. 

Of course, I'm cautious in many ways to share this story but also still so genuinely shocked that I don't know what to make of it and want to tell the world.  The scientist in me feels there is an explanation that is indeed COVID related.  Something about how my heart rate goes down very low and if I'm not getting enough oxygen maybe I could hallucinate.  Or I've read about neurological damage, all above my pay grade but I suspect all that bad news will show itself eventually, if it's true.  

It ended as a flickering light of the candle, out of it's lifeline wick.  In a poof, the light was gone, and I landed back in reality, breathing better but very tired.  I stayed at the window for a long time wondering what the hell just happened.  P came to check on me every 20 minutes or so, bringing orange slices and iced lemon seltzer.  I even stayed hoping the feeling would come back, but it didn't.  Later we both just accepted we had no idea what to think.  I kept it all in a little box in my mind to pull out and contemplate later when some time and distance passed.   This is that day. 

I'm Talking to Myself At Night Because I Can't Forget

Roasted carrots and Green Beans with tomatoes

Even though I'm in it, in no way do I want to be defined by this Long Haul Covid Syndrome.  I fear I've become it's little bitch at this point.   Long COVID is like my abusive pimp that is bringing me Johns that beat me up and leave me bedridden and broken.   I must find a way out of this life.  It's difficult to talk about because I want to share this experience but not worry family or friends.  I must say, however, that I have come to a place of acceptance, that it is here and I need to deal with it.  From a scientific perspective, it's fascinating.  The way the virus struck the world and changed us forever.  I contracted COVID through my retail job, in March of last year.  I would say it was a medium extreme case.  Like many others we weren't hospitalized or tested right away because there was no room at the inn.  Plus hospitals were like roach motels, people checked in but they didn't check out.  We nursed each other back to enough health to return to work, after it opened back up.  But fairly quickly I learned it wasn't out of my body.  I would say the original virus aged us maybe 5 years and felt like we'd been in a bad car accident.  I still had many symptoms but they were more a topic of discussion rather than anything too debilitating.  I should mention though, we would from time to time admit our struggles in secret.   I couldn't ride the bike as long without getting extremely winded to name one.

Then in January of this year, I got the virus a second time and it hit my body like a freight train at first, the rest was a tolerable, but bedridden 3 to 4 weeks.  This time, instead of healing, it just keeps morphing into weird new things, like clusters of symptoms or flu storms. I would never believe this if it weren't happening to me.  I am my own lab experiment now.  It is getting to me and I need some release.  It may help me to get it all out there, like a good cry, just let it all out.  So, just look at the pretty pictures if you're not up for this. 

This is what the long haul has been for me:  My stomach has gone through a war and the nausea is debilitating.  I had a major infection that took forever to go away. My abdomen was super sore and I was on antibiotics as well as pain meds for weeks.  Now my bladder gives sudden deep aches for no reason.  Much of this is out of the blue by the way, so it's very easy to get sideswiped by a giant pain that can take you down.   I've had several doctor visits and went on Short Term Disability from work, something I NEVER thought I'd do.  Gremlins have inhabited my body.

I was to return to work in the beginning of March but instead I broke down at my doctors office.  I went in to get a release to travel to my father's funeral, he started asking questions and it all just came out like a drunk puke.  He asked me point blank, can you return to work and I realized then, I couldn't but that felt so crazy to me that I was stressing out big time.  I explained, yes I can walk 6 blocks but that's all I can do, pushing it seems to anger the demons.  He had been writing the words, Long COVID on my disability forms but only this time did we really talk about it as an actual thing.  He not only explained what they know, which is not much, but called it by it's new term, PASC, post acute sequelae Sars Cov2 infection.  This felt good and bad.  Bad because, this was becoming too real.  Good because when my doctor talks I calm the fuck down and can comprehend news, even when it's not good. 

But it is a long haul, as described.  I am just now beginning to go on walks, ride the stationary bike indoors with weights.  2 weeks ago I could not write or go for a walk because there was literally not enough energy to do anything but lay on the couch and pant, completely lethargic for days upon weeks.  I would make a meal every few days but it took all I had to do it and I couldn't taste anything but salt.  I slowly gave myself management projects, like cleaning a closet or fridge.  I'm not depressed, but I am nervous.  Like a flacid penis, most days the will is there to get going but nothing cooperates.  Fatigue stays steady but the rest is a true variety show.  I'll get fever blisters in my mouth when I feel my body start to battle with itself, like a little evil reminder saying, don't get feisty. 

Dinner with what is in the refrigerator.  

The scariest part is the chest pain.  All systems rush to protect the heart, and I just try to sit very still until it passes but sometimes it goes on for an hour or so, many times in the middle of the night, that's when the fear sets in.  It can't be good for your body to defend against that for too long.  I could have a stroke, my doctor reminds me or it could be damaging my kidneys because apparently, it has the ability to continue to wreak havoc, which I don't fully get but from what I understand it tricks your body into attacking itself.  My eyes burn all the time as does the top of my head and my hair at the crown is falling out.  My heart races always and skips beats, which is off putting.  Much of the time, I have shortness of breath, as if I'd just run up 10 flights of stairs.  For a couple of weeks I felt dumb as a rock, almost to the point of stuttering again as I did as a child, where I could not find my words or my mouth wouldn't move.  I go for a walk now and my legs get so tired, they start to feel like spaghetti.  I have a heaviness in my chest like with the flu that makes my voice sound like Marge Simpson. 

Patches of skin will dry up overnight and either develop a rash or extremely dry, peeling skin.  My ears and neck this week were the victims, but now suddenly, like magic,  the itchy rash is gone.  I've always had headaches but these new ones feel almost like there is something IN my head squeezing on things that shouldn't be touched.  My legs get extremely restless, like they need to grow into a werewolf.  My lips will get real red and burn as if with fever.  I feel that damp deep cold in my bones when you can't get warm and literally the very next second, I'm sweating bullets but it keeps on until my whole body overheats to a breaking point and then it finally subsides.  I had hot flashes previously but this is next level.   

Sister's Ice Storm in Colorado from 2/11/21

I read you do get better, or most people should and I aim to be one of them.  I believe with the right outlook and regimen, I will heal.  If I'm not a changed person who appreciates life to it's fullest at that time, then I give permission to shoot me dead on site.  For now, its day to day and a good one can bring such hope, whilst a bad one sends me into the fear that it's going to take an exorcism to get this outta me.  

Something to appreciate, the taste of tomatoes with green beans

You're Messin' Up My Mind and Fillin' Up My Senses

As I'm coming out the ass end of this pinche pendejo COVID virus for the 2nd time (!!), I want to learn to speak Spanish just so I can sufficiently curse it out like a scorned witch from an old Mexican village.   

During my isolation, I eat out of necessity although I am thrilled to be served hot food on trays each day.  As someone in a long term relationship, I really have to give it up to my partner for completely coming through for me.  He's never been one to dote, so making breakfast, lunch, snacks each day is a true feat not to mention fetching meds, endless hot and cold drinks, washing dishes and sleeping on a tiny loveseat.  Everything I put him through with the two ER scares was above and beyond for anyone, let alone, you know, a man.  He's a guy-guy, not one of these new millennial empaths.  That's a nice way of saying he's not naturally considerate, its work for him.  He's a loner that never grasped the concept of union completely.  Usually he needs very clear instructions if I want help and nothing can be left for interpretation.  He'll do anything I ask, I just couldn't imagine he'd be up for making every meal for 2 weeks straight. People are dying alone though, so I can't help but be flooded with deep gratitude.  I know his limitations so I'm sure he was about ready to stop being nice to me like 9 days ago.  Afterall, this is real life and we all just want to be left alone, no one more so than my husband,  so I recognize the scope of his generosity.  These are some of the meals he left at my door like a tired, angry prison guard.

Rigatoni and bok choi

Chili Relleno and Chips

Spaghetti and meat sauce with sauteed mushrooms and garlic

Red Velvet Cake with tea and shot of whiskey

pot pie and steamed broccoli with banana

Bunless cheeseburger with vegetable soup

chicken noodle soup with grilled cheese and sundried tomatoes

Pizza slices

Chicken wrap with vegetable soup

Pot pie with 1/2 a sandwich

Corn Chowder with 1/2 sandwich

Ravioli and lettuce wraps

A proper sandwich and chips

Scrambled ham and eggs with spinach tortilla

pizza slices

I'm not far enough away yet from this virus but I do have to say, it is intriguing.  If you haven't had the pleasure, it's not what you might think.  Yes, it is closest to the flu and the lists you see on MSN are all true. Of course it's different for everyone, but there are so many more not so small oddities that come and go like little gremlins.  Some so severe, they wreak psychological havoc on your already tired mental state. Dry, cracked lips, stabbing leg pain, blurry site, achy eyes, sudden rash.  Here's one for you acid droppers from the 70s.  Remember when your eerily warm skin felt super alive, as if time stopped existing and you could feel all the microbial cities making your body work with some inner eye??  You know the one, where you find yourself in the bathroom examining this incredible foreign creature two inches from the mirror. Well, That feeling!  Ringing in the ears, extreme charley horses in the extremities, sudden hoarseness. I mean the list goes on, nausea, scary chest pain, teeth chattering chills, sweats, back punching pain and zombie like tremors.  I write this list to share but also to remember.  You never feel 100% but weeks from now I'll need to remind myself of waking up on the floor from passing out, sweating and running to get Patrick but realizing I couldn't move half my body, my arms and hands locked up in a crippled position.  I'm super lucky and although I'm still sequestered, it seems for whatever reason I have been spared again.  But the virus got me close enough to that frightful edge again that I stay on high alert. 

Baby Let's Cruise, Away From Here

Broccoli Bar Platter from the night before, when things were swell

He sat like a gargoyle at the edge of the hospital gurney watching everyone.  His shaved head darting right and left.  People were screaming and moaning in layers of sound from multiple directions.  Let me out of here or I'll kill you!, a man threatened at the other side of the room.  Brother!  Brother! A woman screams every two minutes, who sounds just like Fran Lebowitz.  We are in the emergency unit of Maimonides Medical Center in the Bay Ridge neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York.  The scene is straight out of a Scorsese film. It's overcrowded and chaotic, probably a typical Friday afternoon.  My side-eye glances reveal blood on gowns, limbs are cock-eyed and assorted other attrocities as we pass the first room of triage.  Some people are in extreme pain, others are very old, and I imagine them dying quietly alone. P tells me not to look.  Now we're further in a packed holding room, and they're parking me sideways in the hall.  I get moved a few times, finally to the corner.  I'm at the emergency for the second time in a week.  This time because I passed out and then my body went into some sort of mangled shock.  My hands, arms and legs froze contorted and it felt like a solid wooden board replaced my bladder.  Later it would be revealed I had COVID again.

But this story isn't about me, it's about the day my partner transformed into one of our most treasured icons.  Yes, P Tom Cruise'd the shit of me in the hospital.  A very intense Nigerian doctor came to take my symptoms but had zero patience and difficulty understanding my phrasing, which he seemed to hold against me.  I was having a hard time getting my words out and the good doctor was basically yelling at me for not being clear.  He didn't know what teeth-chattering meant, so I finally had to lift my mask to show him.  With eyes the only visible tool, I looked to P for help and he seemed to take the side of the doctor, mansplaining my symptoms.  The intimidating man (who I found later was in training) walked away and P was 5 inches from my face within seconds.  I swear his voice was that of Mr. Mission Impossible himself.  'We... are... managing them!' he said to me with an equally intense urgency.  'Stay with me here!  We need this man on our side, this place is insane right now."  And I complied immediately.  He was right, there was nothing to be gained by splitting hairs on bowel movement descriptions or what constitutes falling with this giant hothead.  Besides, we will most likely get sick IN here, so the best thing to do is manage out of it and quickly.

A tough nurse said I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom but my bladder had been the boss this week, so we defied her rules and she simply stopped and yelled "Support her!" to Patrick.  An older lady came to take my blood and set up an IV as if she was a short order cook preparing the breakfast special on the busiest day of the year.  She poked and taped and was finished in less than a minute.  The IV came undone but no one noticed as my arm turned to ice. Another woman frantically handed me a pee cup that everyone made mention of but no one ever collected.  Others came, all asking similar questions yet somehow each one repeated back some inaccuracies and for some reason everyone called me a smoker.  Hours later we were double masked, and even more critical folks were wheeled in.  An elderly man walked by several times, pulled down his mask and hacked up a boatload of phlegm in our general direction.  

A tough looking drunk  guy that possibly came out the wrong side of a bar fight was put right in front of us and I prayed he wouldn't wake up.  P focused on his movements.  I wanted to get out of there.  He continued to stand guard and after a few tests and pokes, and two COVID tests, I was released.  P got us out of there and into an Uber.  It was now dark, late and very cold.  

The next morning the urologist would call and tell me I had COVID.  He said to get an Oximeter, and to return to the hospital if anything gets worse.  Worse? I thought, What would that look like? 

I Dreamed I Saw the Silver Spaceships Flying In the Yellow Haze of the Sun

What was to be a day trip tag along ride with P would turn into the beginning of a series of unfortunate events.  I thought it might be a good idea to go get out, breathe some fresh air and forget all our worries.  P needed something you can only get it in Massachusetts, a short 2 hour drive up the Taconic, our favorite parkway.  If it was fun, maybe we'd spend the night in a hotel, as my sister suggested, make it a real getaway.

This was a steak and cheese breakfast sandwich we got an hour into the drive.  The beautiful thing about the Taconic State Parkway is it's a step back in time. You would swear you were in the 1970's by the views and traffic on this Pandemic Sunday, so peaceful.  Getting out of the city is a an insane series of frantic merges, so by the time you do get out, you need that peace. 

The Pass - A nice dispensary in the Berkshires

The night before I'd read about a UFO incident that happened in the same town of Sheffield.  The story was featured in Ancient Aliens and Unsolved Mysteries, Vol 1, the Berkshires UFO, right up my crazy alley.  A compelling story involving several unrelated townsfolk that seem more interesting than credible but regardless, convinced me that something happened here back in 1969.  Many things, as a matter of fact, and one started right on this bridge as a family witnessed a giant round orb floating above the water and then woke hours later down the road, in different positions in the car.  Namely, the grandmother was in the driver's seat but she no longer drove, and was definitely not driving that night.  No one could account for the missing time.

The covered bridge where light beams flooded the wooden planks of the Reed family car as they crossed that hot, summer Labor Day evening. 

Nerd Alert!

Admittedly awestruck and giddy to be out of town on a road trip, let alone sidetracked to an authentic UFO site!

It's official, UFO's exist!

The town was great, the hotel was cute and looked over the Green Mountains.  Everything was actually pretty dang wonderful. 

We picked up the booty and decided to stay the night.  There was a snow storm that was to hit the area and dump a good amount of snow and sleet, making conditions icy and dangerous.  I was tired, like the kind where you can only quietly watch bad movies.

That same night I become very ill, like a big veil of ookiness fell on the bed. I decided just to lay still while P played guitar and enjoyed his bounty.  I woke in the night to intense pain (close your ears if you're sensitive), urinating blood, so I woke P to say I needed to go to hospital.  Nothing a stoner wants to hear and never at 5 in the morning.  All bad things got worse quickly so instead of waiting for a clinic to open, we rushed 7 minutes away to the most beautiful hospital, atop a tree-lined hill through winding streets with this beautiful freshly fallen snow.  If I wasn't so miserable, I would have taken more pictures. 

Fairview Hospital Great Barrington

Not cute 

The ER doctor looked more concerned than you'd want and I think he may have believed I was beaten. He asked me who was 'that guy' I came in with and why wasn't he there now.  I told him the nurse said my husband had to wait in the car due to COVID protocol.  Later, while the super nice nurse moved my sleeve up, to take my blood pressure, she showed these bruises on her own arm that were the exact outline of a giant hand and possibly why the doctor was suspicious. Not wanting to assume anything myself, I could only imagine what brut grabbed her in such a violent manner.  Small town hospital with a story of it's own, how comforting in a strange way.  The doctor even insisted on looking at my abdomen after prodding and poking.  He kept saying, and you're sure you have no surgery scars or bruising?  They did a CT Scan and saw extreme bleeding in my bladder and gave me antibiotics for what he said may be the worst UTI he's ever seen if that was even what it was.  But to follow up right away with my doctor and a urologist to find out 'what's going on'.  Wait, I thought that was what he was gonna do.  It's hard to understand how it all works, especially when you're weak and groggy but since then, we have discovered, ER doctors make sure you're not dying.   They assess and stabilize you.   I was sent with prescriptions and lots of paperwork on drugs, alcohol, and domestic abuse.  

We stayed another night for me to rest and P made the romantic gesture of carving my name out of snow in the hotel parking lot.   I got right on the meds and pain killers.  

We were so excited to try the local fare but on that snowy night all that could be delivered was pizza.  It was great actually, and P was particularly impressed by the crust.  Family run businesses are usually the best and this was no exception.

Vivaldi's Pizzeria

Missing are pictures of nachos and cheese soup, chili and pot pies, pancakes and eggs.  Normally highlights for me but this time just bites of tasteless nothingness. 

A constant view of downed trees for miles and miles is a side story for another time.

Still, the trip was incredible and we managed to laugh about most of it and agreed it was memorable. 

We drove home the following day and 4 days later I had another ER visit and there was diagnosed with COVID. Again.