Friday, July 31, 2020

Some Guys Have All the Pain

Sunset view from the computer desk department of the store
Corona Boss
I couldn't resist featuring a photo of his cardboard cutout that I see each time I enter the building of my place of employment but want to respect privacy.  This is the big boss at my job.  He's my age and was struck with the virus at the same time.  He had a long hospital stay and obviously is in another tax bracket, so I have used his experience to gain knowledge about my own.   I don't know him that well because retail is very different these days.  I've seen him maybe 4 times a year for 11 years, sometimes literally waving as he passes by like the pope.  But when the store reopened he told his story to the staff so I caught the nerve to approach him after work one night.  I briefly explained that we had been sick as well and we had similar stories but we decided to stay out of the hospital.  I figured he would want to exchange information but instead it has become a one sided dialogue on his health.  That's okay, because at least I can still obtain information. He is an athlete and an avid runner.  He tells me he's back to running 5 miles but not every day as before and sometimes he barely gets through it, becomes winded again.  Let's call him Bob.  Bob is seeing a couple of doctors.  He has PTSD from not being able to breathe, he has anxiety, sometimes becoming unnecessarily angry unannounced. He also lost ability to process too much information, getting easily confused.  He had perfect blood work like me and his readings were great even when he was clearly in distress.  He agreed to be part of a study group, of folks that experienced post virus symptoms.  They thought he might of had a stroke but his tests also proved that to be incorrect.   He goes in for shots of B12 that have helped with his depression.  He passed by me the other day and said he wanted to give me an update that his vitals were still good and more tests confirmed he didn't seem to have permanent damage.  I was very happy for him but had to laugh a little inside knowing that he never once asked me how I'm doing or recognized that maybe I'm having a tough time too.  Such a man trait.  I'm his employee technically, although like I say, retail culture has changed a lot.  People work for the company, not for individuals any longer so our rights are clearer, and basically no one manages people.  I'm not sure what I think of it.  I have no idea what Bob actually does.   
Morning Breakfast
Speaking of lovable but selfish men, I served P fried eggs, sausage, ham steak and cheesy polenta with some fresh pico de gallo for a before work breakfast.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Planet Earth is Blue and There's Nothing I Can Do

So I have been working hard on not working hard to be able to live in the moment.  To live in all the moments of life, in the present.  And I will continue on because what's the alternative?  Our current reality lends itself to seeking a backup, building our houses on stronger foundations so to speak than how we've lived in the past, finding better ways.  I've read more and more about how the living universe is almost forcing us to evolve in order to save ourselves.  It would make sense as those of us feeling powerless and baffled by the state of the world are seeking respite, sending up endless prayers in global volumes.  I believe those requests do not go unanswered, whether they be wishes from a child or hopeful pleas by weary everyday schleps like you and me.

But I digress.  God knows I digress, hard!  I had a really great couple of weeks, successfully catching myself as my mind tried to pull me into a rip current of mayhem more than a few thousand times.  I was so happy to keep stepping outside of the nonsense and breathe the fresh air of nothingness.  I wasn't taking anything on, allowing my true spirit to acknowledge all was well.  I made friends with the now, as I'm learning to and shutting my ego down when it seemed to take the wheel.

And then one day, at work, I broke.  My mind blasted onto the scene with armfuls of evidence that it laid out on the table, all saying that I needed to pay attention to it.  Beware, think!  It, being me, the girl that lives inside the body.  My mind was convincing me that while all this peace and love bullshit was fine and well, here in the real world major issues needed attention.  That I was a victim of bullying and if I didn't start standing up for myself well then I may as well go throw myself in the Gowanus.  Further, wasn't I aware that these hens at work were playing me like a fiddle?  That I need to demand a little respect around this place, for God's sake!  That my goodness, can't I see when lines have been crossed?  And it all made sense, most of it feels true.  Some of us are doing twice the job of the others and nothing is fair.  I've acknowledged that truth many moons ago.

So what's a partially enlightened girl to do?  I'll tell you what I did do and that was to unload a busload of opinions on a kind coworker, bending her ear so far, I almost rendered her crippled and then apologized profusely.  I went home and kept swatting my mind thoughts away like a pesky mosquito.  I don't know what to do about all the problems I have at work.  I've tried everything I know how. In the end, maybe they're not that important.  Maybe their not even real.  So I will again breathe in and feel the tingling in my fingers.  I'm alive and my body is real.  I can feel the blood running through to my legs and now my toes.  The air is fresh and there are no problems in this moment. 

Besides, who could know what our lives will look like even in a few months at the rate of change we're seeing.  These petty issues at work mean nothing.  Society is broke like a cheap IKEA wine glass and we're all the shattered particles, slivers on the floor never to be the same again, the most fragmented we've ever been.  That has to be the most opportune state to emerge and realize more of our true potential.   Even though I envision it getting way worse before it gets better, I look at all this as positive.  Many times what we view as a bad, opens better doors.   I know more than I'd like to about doing the same thing and expecting different results.  That's the one positive thing I always say about having such an unconventional president, no matter how horrific a person. Trump broke the mold.  Now, we can't go back... hopefully.  Maybe he really did do something incredible, that he'll never realize. 
I was given a nudge and just enough of a pointer to another way to live that I'm all-in at this point.  Best of all, it's working!
What's not to like in a taco bowl of cool iceberg lettuce, freshly grated cheddar, seasoned ground beef, refried beans, homemade pico de gallo and guacamole served with my favorite blue corn chips!

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

It's Just A Complicated Game



Build Your Own Taco Bowl
Have you noticed in the last 10 to 15 years that animal behavior is evolving to integrate more with us and other species than ever before?  My late night playlist is filled with amateur videos of wild animals interacting with people or taking on some polar opposite buddy.  Deers befriending dogs, bears making rabbit besties, turtles asking for help, all kinds of unusual encounters.  And I wonder, is this new or is it merely that people hold the ability to record these occurrences and share them so much more easily and frequently.  I would imagine the latter must be true but even so, are animals also changing? 

Is it just nature?  I mean if someone moves next door to you, too close say, but you both keep your boundaries for the time being.  Then something bad happens, your house burns down or your power goes out for example.  That might prompt you to start communicating with these neighbors and see if you could work a trade or mutual partnership.  At the very least, become closer.  Could this be what we're seeing with the animals?  They suddenly need us for water, food, sometimes to take a plastic bucket off their heads or cut fishing line from their fins.  But what if it's more than that.  Animals share this finite space and have also lived with the changes of the landscape along with us.  They must have their own level of perception and consciousness.  This earth is our common ground.  Perhaps they, like the moderates who so far have been silenced by all the far left and right finally feel the need to speak up and participate, throw their dog in the fight.
I admit, I have mixed reactions to some of the co-mingling.  I'm thrilled with the interspecies relationships.  Not as much with people feeding raccoon families on their porch, then taking them in as pets.  Allowing bears to frolic in their pools and walk into their houses, opening fridge doors to get a good video share.  But the minute that bear does real bear things, that same community kills it, even though they were complicit in it's behavior.  There is a protective bone for the animals, something in me wanting to warn them not to trust the friendship with humans, to keep their natural separation.  I guess I fear like the Indians, the animals are going to be roped into some bad trade deal that they'll forever regret.  But also there is a defiance that I resent.  People changing the natural order to fill some need in themselves to feel like heroes.  I might have it all wrong and admittedly go back and forth on this one.  It's touching, that people want to help creatures, the vast uptick in rescues is inspiring.  Even down to the tiniest living things.  So many people really going the extra mile to aide our fellow seemingly helpless critters.  Or saving something that may have once been disposable, like a baby squirrel or a racoon abandoned by it's mother, a tiny bird that fell out of a tree.  One woman made friends with a wingless bumble bee until it died and damned if that lady didn't make me believe that little bee was her best bud.  Wild animals, willingly living as domestic pets.  It's odd to me.  People scolding a bear like that thing couldn't turn around and eat the shit out of them.  Or you see the big game exotic animal keepers.  I'm not comfortable with this idea of a full grown cougar taking a bath and laying on the bed acting like a common house cat.  Are they seriously okay with this?  People are kissing crocodiles and hugging coyotes.  Rolling around with big brown grizzly bears, playing hide and go seek.  Is this living in love or some bizarre fetish?  At least with some it's a power grab.  But for others it could be a genuine desire to add meaning to their lives, to get out of their own heads and affect something real.  I get that part.  Since we've been so isolated, I find myself staring at trees, talking to fish, seeking out birds.  A butterfly followed me on my bike for about a block the other day and you should have seen the dumb grin on my face, I was so thrilled and affected.
I sent P to the store for peppers without specifying which kind, so that's on me but he comes back with small red chile peppers, you know, the kind we buy, NEVER!  They were super smoky though, so I invented a strawberry red pepper salsa cruda.  Unconventional yes, but it did turn out pretty cool.  Interesting and unexpected kind of like a lion friending a wiener dog.


Tuesday, July 28, 2020

You Shook Me All Night Long

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All My Life I Wanted To Be Somebody and Here I Am!

Grill pan Chicken Bruschetta and Watermelon Feta Salad
Suzi Quatro!
We watched the Suzi Quatro documentary last night.  I've always been incredibly curious to know her story but later became too fixated on Joan Jett that I never took the time.  I knew of her through magazines but unfortunately Midwest radio did not see fit to include her songs in rotation back when it possibly could have made a strong impression on my drive.  Only able to read about her so called, Glam Rock gave me the wrong perception of her music.  But her images alone were enough to captivate me beyond belief.  I may have caught a live performance on a midnight 70's television hour because I was very aware of her moves. She was the perfect amount of androgyny and charisma.  I wanted to be that!  Whatever that was that instilled deep ache inside my fellow youth, similar to the way musicians would continue to make me feel well into my 20's.  They had it, this mix of confidence, joy in what they did, talent. and an incredible, unique vessel to showcase it all.  It wasn't the obvious boring traits like sexiness coming from a perfect body but was instead born from somewhere else, somewhere much cooler and authentic.    


Suzi was ultra talented and had incredible rhythm and great musical genes.  That always helped, musical parents that possibly didn't realize their full potential.  My theory is that drive stays in the blood and makes it's purpose stronger to come to fruition for future generations.  Or simpler, talent just runs in the family.

Music documentaries can be so rewarding however, there is a risk in learning too much about your idols or seeing them in current full light.  In her still image youth, she was untouchable.  When she became a little older and had children, got into Broadway plays and now an aging 'rocker' I'm not so enamored.  I'm sure she's a good, fun person but often you're left to judge their current mental states, and they're often stuck in blame or immature needs that no longer make sense.  We shouldn't see this much of the musicians we love, because it's usually disappointing to see this flawed, human side.  But I always want more, or think I do.
I wanted more of this grill-pan chicken with an invented tomato, red chile pepper, strawberry salad on top, drizzled with a nice fruity balsamic vinegar.  I served it over sliced polenta and paired it with a watermelon, feta, arugula salad.  In the end, although both were delicious, I think they competed with each other for flavors and the watermelon got drowned out a bit when it should have popped because it was nice and sweet.  Suzi too suffered, in the states at least, from bad timing, having the wrong sound at the wrong time but she knew what she had.  Good thing other countries were able to recognize her amazing gifts, savvy and skills as well. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Falling On My Head Like a New Emotion

Castro's Combination Plate 

Castro's Chile Relleno

Loaded Nacho Fries 
Loaded Nacho fries?  I'm listening with my eyes!!!  Of course you've seen every type of loaded french fries at this point but I will say carne asada with a well distributed pico, sour cream and an inordinate amount of guacamole ....for me, was hitting that Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger-at-the-front-door type passion, but if you replace Cruise with cheesy fries of course! 

Some find rain romantic.  I'm not big on sappy couples-type romance but I do find so many natural settings dreamy in an enchanting, corny way, like riding home on my bike in a giant storm.  Plus, as an adult, it is seldom that you are in an uncontrolled situation like this.  Cheap child-like thrills, getting all wet, swerving to avoid pothole puddles, can be exhilarating.  What better reward than the following day off and pounds of fine Mexican food delivered?  

Last nights rain storm 

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Watchin' the Ships Come In

thousands of tiny fish
Sitting by the water on the old docks in Red Hook in the summer is one of the most calming activities that I have in this Pandemic world.  In August when it gets super hot, the fish literally jump out of the water.  Schools swim around in giant circles and you don't see them at first but as you sit there, more and more life becomes clear.  First you see thousands of tiny minnows floating and suddenly larger groups come along.  Yes, fish in the water is not such an amazing site but I argue when you're in New York, you can forget that we are also in nature, even though the concrete jungle prevails.  We still live on land and are right on the water.  There's water everywhere in fact, an ocean, bays, sounds, channels, rivers, canals.  Not only that but even though there is often times garbage everywhere, there are animals and birds and aquatic life cohabitating around us that when found, become even more incredible.
Elegant tern - Wikipedia
This is a Tern.  I started seeing them this week.  They look like the regular seagulls if they'd taken ballet classes.  They're much thinner and graceful.  Very gorgeous elegant birds. 
A school of fish swimming up as if to say hello

It's also fun to watch the boats come in and out of the channel.

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Everybody Play the Game, of (food) Love

Sister's Red Chile Enchiladas
My Asian Cabbage Wraps
Before I saw a picture of my sister's, what she called 'quickie' enchiladas, I was feeling accomplished with my Asian Cabbage Wraps.  Lots of fresh ginger and garlic along with Hoisin sauce made these special.  Instead of lettuce cups, I blanched Savoy cabbage leaves until tender but still firm enough to be a vessel.  Somehow this made the wraps more substantial and memorable.  The spicy punch of the meat mixture, along with crunchy peanuts, went so well with the delicate subtlety of the cabbage.  Plus you get an extra serving or two of vegetables which is never a bad thing.
However in the rock, paper, scissor game world of food, I'm pretty sure enchiladas trump wraps any day of the week.

Friday, July 17, 2020

But They're Back Again, Just Like a Long Lost Friend

Homemade Salisbury Steak!  
Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak
There were times in my youth where even though I was thrilled to eat my mom's amazing home cooking of all my dad's favorites, I did begin a hankering for some of these American meals.  No disrespect to her, she was incredible with food and my sister reminded me that we got cheeseburgers ! packed in our lunchboxes for school, on white bread with mustard, and tiny bags of potato chips.  She always had variety and a selection.   She made lunch an event.  But being a never-satisfied food-curious girl, I imagined people in houses down the street eating things like meatloaf and crispy fried chicken, with buttery mashed potatoes and gravy.  Frozen dinners became my window to those types of foods.  I was thrilled to eat Chicken Pot Pies and the regular sized trays but even my tiny self ended up licking the insides of those metal containers.  So when the Hungry Man dinner was introduced then this became a viable dinner option for my dad, so we began buying them.  Salisbury steak was possibly my favorite option, with every compartment holding a delight.  I loved green beans and I loved peas, and equally as happy to have cobbler or chocolate cake.    

Late night You Tubing brought me to Chef's John's take on this historic dish that I recreated this week and enjoyed every bite of it!  If you're into freezing, double the recipe, making 8 patties for 2 lbs of beef.

So delicious!  Ignore the brown pigeon peas, the only failed item on the dish.  I had a can of what I thought were regular peas and out pops these bland. lentil like mush.  But if you haven't, you gotta make this.  It tastes enough like your good memories but even better and bolder.  And whip up some nice mashed potatoes to go alongside your favorite green vegetable.

Thursday, July 16, 2020

I Won't Hide It, I Won't Throw Your Love Away

P wanted a late night snack so he bought a couple of pepperoni slices from the newly revamped Lean Crust Pizza parlor downstairs.  Pssst, it's not as good but definitely good enough.  I had a genius idea to cut off the crusts and use them as dippers for hummus.  So good, like warm pita bread.  Then I cut the slices into little squares to share.  
For lunch having returned from the road trip and I'm sure excessive beer drinking he wanted to eat lighter, but I needed substantial grub, so I made a big pot of chicken sausage, potatoes, kale, Savoy cabbage, red onions, red apple and garlic.  A nice balsamic vinegar, pickle juice and pepper flakes really boosted the flavor pop of all the vegetables.  I did big bite size chunks in order to taste the nuances of each one.   There is something to remembering the food you ate that day due to a series of circumstances.  That's interesting to me and fun, to make a little story out of it.  I like reading them years later and thinking about it.

I used to have this plant in San Francisco that I kept alive by storing it's overgrown roots in a separate jar that my roommate called it's colostomy bag.  I had carried that plant from Fresno to San Francisco from apartment to apartment, broken relationships and it too had been on it's death bed at times.  My roommate had a green thumb and was bothered by it's odd look.  She couldn't understand why I felt compelled to keep it alive.  Sometimes that's what this blog feels like to me.  Maybe I should let it go and die somewhere in the internet universe but I can't.  All these meals are connected to life and stories.  I made this because that happened.  But everything I'm understanding right now proves that we should shed any ideas of who we think we are, our egoic connections.  So I can't decide if this is that or something different.   Am I holding onto the past by constructing this site as a monument to the idea of me or is it simply an innocent way of sharing dumb thoughts and food ideas out to the world? 

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

How Come 24 Hours Baby Sometimes Seem to Slip Into Days

Pasta girls know the deep rewards of a glistening bowl of simply dressed noodles.  Tons of garlic and a couple of spoonfuls of pesto, red pepper flakes, Parmesan and Extra Virgin Olive Oil , all tossed with pasta water was all this girl needed to restore her faith in humanity.  A heatwave had spoiled my fantasies of creating selfish, incredible dishes and long adventurous walks while P was away.  Instead I came home each night and after rehydrating, I'd shower and immediately fall into bed.  I was barely able to put on a pot of boiling water, let alone be creative.  But then something incredible happened as I lay there listening to the air conditioner.  Instead of my mind filling with useless thoughts, I was flooded with a giant sense of gratitude and luck to be here, in Brooklyn, at this time, at this moment, alone but not feeling lonely.  It was like the whole room, the whole apartment was breathing in and out with me.  Everything was filled with this beautiful peace and stillness.  Yes, it was hot riding home but I took a long shower and felt refreshed and invigorated. Yes, I was tired but now I was home from work and I could watch dumb movies or read stupid articles about whatever I wanted while relaxing comfortably!  It'd be cool to make something new but honestly, what makes me the most happy is a large bowl of pasta dressed as my mood in that moment.  So every obstacle popped like balloons from my mind, until I was left with a perfect stillness.   I'd never been able to feel this level of contentment before, not like this. 
And it was all real.  I ate, then made a huge glass of lemon seltzer and settled in for a night of incredible solitude.