Thursday, July 30, 2020

Planet Earth is Blue and There's Nothing I Can Do

So I have been working hard on not working hard to be able to live in the moment.  To live in all the moments of life, in the present.  And I will continue on because what's the alternative?  Our current reality lends itself to seeking a backup, building our houses on stronger foundations so to speak than how we've lived in the past, finding better ways.  I've read more and more about how the living universe is almost forcing us to evolve in order to save ourselves.  It would make sense as those of us feeling powerless and baffled by the state of the world are seeking respite, sending up endless prayers in global volumes.  I believe those requests do not go unanswered, whether they be wishes from a child or hopeful pleas by weary everyday schleps like you and me.

But I digress.  God knows I digress, hard!  I had a really great couple of weeks, successfully catching myself as my mind tried to pull me into a rip current of mayhem more than a few thousand times.  I was so happy to keep stepping outside of the nonsense and breathe the fresh air of nothingness.  I wasn't taking anything on, allowing my true spirit to acknowledge all was well.  I made friends with the now, as I'm learning to and shutting my ego down when it seemed to take the wheel.

And then one day, at work, I broke.  My mind blasted onto the scene with armfuls of evidence that it laid out on the table, all saying that I needed to pay attention to it.  Beware, think!  It, being me, the girl that lives inside the body.  My mind was convincing me that while all this peace and love bullshit was fine and well, here in the real world major issues needed attention.  That I was a victim of bullying and if I didn't start standing up for myself well then I may as well go throw myself in the Gowanus.  Further, wasn't I aware that these hens at work were playing me like a fiddle?  That I need to demand a little respect around this place, for God's sake!  That my goodness, can't I see when lines have been crossed?  And it all made sense, most of it feels true.  Some of us are doing twice the job of the others and nothing is fair.  I've acknowledged that truth many moons ago.

So what's a partially enlightened girl to do?  I'll tell you what I did do and that was to unload a busload of opinions on a kind coworker, bending her ear so far, I almost rendered her crippled and then apologized profusely.  I went home and kept swatting my mind thoughts away like a pesky mosquito.  I don't know what to do about all the problems I have at work.  I've tried everything I know how. In the end, maybe they're not that important.  Maybe their not even real.  So I will again breathe in and feel the tingling in my fingers.  I'm alive and my body is real.  I can feel the blood running through to my legs and now my toes.  The air is fresh and there are no problems in this moment. 

Besides, who could know what our lives will look like even in a few months at the rate of change we're seeing.  These petty issues at work mean nothing.  Society is broke like a cheap IKEA wine glass and we're all the shattered particles, slivers on the floor never to be the same again, the most fragmented we've ever been.  That has to be the most opportune state to emerge and realize more of our true potential.   Even though I envision it getting way worse before it gets better, I look at all this as positive.  Many times what we view as a bad, opens better doors.   I know more than I'd like to about doing the same thing and expecting different results.  That's the one positive thing I always say about having such an unconventional president, no matter how horrific a person. Trump broke the mold.  Now, we can't go back... hopefully.  Maybe he really did do something incredible, that he'll never realize. 
I was given a nudge and just enough of a pointer to another way to live that I'm all-in at this point.  Best of all, it's working!
What's not to like in a taco bowl of cool iceberg lettuce, freshly grated cheddar, seasoned ground beef, refried beans, homemade pico de gallo and guacamole served with my favorite blue corn chips!

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