I Think I'm Sinking Down

My sister in law came to a wedding in New York and we were able to visit and site-see for an afternoon.  It was very special as this is the wife of Lobo, our brother that passed just a little over a year ago.  It was hard enough losing my sibling, I could never imagine losing my spouse and don't want to try. Even going close to the idea I became so empathetic and filled with sorrow for her, remembered the sadness we all still hold and carry with us.  That moment when you allow your mind to pull out and see the aerial view of the truth.  The whole fractal image of loss that goes on and on.  We all lost my brother but he was closer to some and of course his wife.  She went through it with him daily, the horrible, debilitating cancer.  She saw him each and every day, the deterioration happening to him, his poor body withering.  She heard all his emotions, what he chose to share only with the closest to his heart, his fears, his wishes, his reality.  All the while also experiencing her own.

He always told me he wanted to come to New York.  I never knew if he meant it but she confirmed it was a real wish.  I longed to show him my version someday and looked forward to when he got better so that a trip like that would be possible.  But it didn't come.  I thought of how I could have sent actual pictures to try to show him my world instead of a book of New York as I did.

But now, after he is gone, it was time to focus on those remaining and what we learned.  The fact was she and I didn't speak for years and years.  Not for any good reason, just life. Only when he became sick did we reconnect, mainly through my other sister.   Now we had a chance to become friends as adults. We get to recall him together and I have a very beautiful reminder of my brother in her.  She says she see's him in me and in his family, so we are also her remembrance.  And we will benefit from that but it's also what would have made him happy.  In fact, he did tell all of us individually that it would be cool if we became closer and looked out for each other more.  What a thoughtful person.  And I take it to heart.  I want to fulfill that wish.

So, you'd think I would be top of my game when choosing the right restaurant when she came.  I had the idea to go to the oldest coal burning oven Pizzeria in town, thus the long line for lunch.  My plan B was vetoed so we did wait about 45 minutes which felt like more because we were tired and needed to sit. As we stood I considered all the gorgeous sit down environments I could have chosen, instead I have us at the CBGBs of restaurants.  Old New York is slowly dying and yes, pizzerias are a dime a dozen right now but soon it will not be easy to find one of these long standing places.  And the pizza really, for me anyway, was exceptional.

Can I say that I just LOVE when someone we love comes to town and I see them in our backdrop, smiling and enjoying the small pleasures. 

I used to imagine my sis Rachel having the ability to see out of my eyes so I could show her things when I wasn't with her.  Like passing her the binoculars of my mind.  I had such a longing to share, for her to see exactly what I saw, experience just as I did.  This has gone on from like 5 years old. And maybe somehow now brother could see New York after the fact, through her eyes and finally get his trip.

She told me beforehand at some point she wanted to stop at a fountain and throw some coins in that she found in my brother's pants pockets.  We had him in our hearts all day.  He was with us, my other sister kept telling me in her texts.  I wanted to believe it, that he was walking with us.  It had started raining and coming toward the end of the visit.  We walked over to Washington Square Park and it was all very light until she finally threw those coins in.  It happened quietly but the way my heart sank instantly so deep like those coins to the bottom, feeling the weight of loss.  Even now, it stops my breath. I love her and our entire family. I hope I don't let her or them out of my life ever.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Breakfast egg on pizza slice

I get feels when I see an egg yolk broken open and the beautiful yellow river flowing down along side of almost anything, a burger, this pizza slice.  To me, that's beauty.  Some people hate eggs so that sight is grotesque, not enjoyable at all.  I can't relate but I do understand.  So I sort of get why people are tired of everyone being so offended by all these new things.  But also follow the folks who are upset.   We're at a weird place in our evolution where progressive thought is hitting me sideways.  Or at least in my logical mind we are taking an odd turn.  A people that do not like to be held to only one way of thinking are creating a vibe where that is exactly the only thing that is acceptable. The far left are no more capable of deciding what is right then the right.  But I have to keep reminding myself that on closer inspection, 'people' are being misrepresented by news feeds and political click bait articles,  meant to shake and stir.  Heated debates equal money so I imagine it's pretty easy to write up a story igniting some controversy that does not exist.  Who is actually equipped to say how the majority does feel these days? 

We are. I mean us, the friends, the relatives, each of us individually can kill this monster that is trying to destroy us and I don't mean Trump.  I think success is somehow rising above the fray, remembering the people you love are not the ignorant vile haters we've all been pounded to believe daily.  

I Was Alone, I Took A Ride, I Didn't Know What I Would Find There

I waited all summer to take this shot of children playing in the open hydrants

I take little biking excursions before clocking in to my sales job often in order to calm my nerves, partly to prepare myself for what happens at this bizarre big yellow box.  My job is fairly normal in a place that is not.  Brooklyn is another planet for the most part.  And Red Hook in Brooklyn is a moon orbiting that distant world. Far enough away from the main hub and maintained with its own set of laws and rules.  There is no subway in, only two city buses and a ferry.  And biking.  I've biked in and out for the better of 10 years, riding around by myself.  I'm not sure if being a loner is a choice or an occupation.  I take great strides to remain solo, not because I don't like people but because I need lots of time to process my thoughts, take pictures and view the world.  That's why biking is so perfect - no room for anything but your thoughts.  These were the last days of summer and I didn't want to miss a drop.  It almost couldn't get any greener, nor hotter, no more alive. 

To commemorate the period and mock the sites of the day I made us lettuce chili dogs with Nathan's Beef Franks that night piled high. 

You Make Me Feel There Are Songs to Be Sung

This is sis  apple-picking over in Colorado, or Roddy as we call it.  

Another synergistic dinner concept with my sis.  She described these amazing slow cooked beef ribs and in turn inspired me to put some extra effort into my own supper idea.

I would have never had the thought to go seek out these fatty country pork ribs that I had discovered years ago.  And her talk of these juicy apples that she could just go and pick out for free prompted me to put nectarines in my chick pea salad and suddenly it was so much more alive and fruity.

It's a Supernatural Delight

The full moon was a positive energy giver this time.  It's pull got me home in seconds, the bike felt like it was riding itself, effortless.  As usual I couldn't take my eyes off of it the whole ride home.  It feels like a giant eyeball in the sky staring at me.  I can't ignore certain things when the moon is shining full.  I can't reject all my animal instincts and untamed nature. I must learn the appropriate use of this amazing burst of raw vitality. I stand on the edge of the island flailing my arms saying I'm here, I'm here.  The moon is screaming come out, come out!! 

Later, back in the cage I made a decent quick supper idea.  Corn Meal mush seasoned with cayenne and cheddar and then ground turkey, peas and corn on top.  

Love Will Abide, Take Things in Stride

The Ranch Burger from 67

Does your mouth start to water when you see this picture of a delicious chocolate shake?  I know how good these are and the way that fat straw feels in my mouth.  The slow pull of the thick milky chocolate ice creaminess up that shaft.  That last bit of cocoa hitting the back of your taste buds as you take in a big gulp.  Oooh, there's a bit of solid texture but no, it just melted. That super cold mixed with softness coating your tongue.  What could be better?

And I have the answer to that.  The Ranch Burger from 67 Burger.  Thin sliced delicate onion rings drizzled with a tangy ranch sauce, melted cheese over grass-fed, grain-finished, all natural beef from farms who are committed to responsibly-raising their meat.  Whew! Isn't that a mouthful? And so were the first bites of this perfect for the moment burger from our local burger joint. 

I say for the moment because although this burger was so tasty, the flavors were working perfectly with that toasted bun, and I enjoyed it tremendously, foodies know that the vast universe includes incredible burgers and really good burgers. No burger I've met has ever been truly bad.  You sometimes need to put them into perspective though for scale.  If someone makes you a burger, it becomes special automatically. Any food prepared for you is tops.  Did you make it yourself, were you trying to be healthy as in a good black bean or turkey burger?  If so, those can be surprisingly tasty because you set your expectations lower.  Was the burger super fast and convenient, like a piping hot bacon cheeseburger from McDonald's that you share outside of Target with your mate in a quick romantic moment?  Drive in burgers are sort of nostalgic, unwrapping that paper wrapped foil and therefore get points for bringing your serotonin levels up. Was the burger, as this one was, brought to you as a surprise last minute after a long shift and therefore steps up several notches on the scale of deliciousness? 

I stand by burgers.  Every burger matters. 

Make the Rules, Then Break Them All Because You Are the Best

Creamy Tuscan Chicken Thighs

the recipe.  My version was lightened up without the heavy cream and no wine. I used yogurt and a little corn starch.  Yes, the sauce is thinner and less dreamy but honestly that could be fixed with a bit of thickener if it bothers you.  I added more vegetables only because I had them and replaced kale for spinach.

Note that this is a stove top, one pot recipe so you don't have to turn on that oven in the summer.  As a matter of fact you don't even have to read the recipe.  These days the idea of it alone is enough to go ahead and create our own versions.  Are you with me?! 

We've lived so long that most cooking rules have been broken or proven that there is more than one way to skin a cat.  Variety in method is artful and should be celebrated.