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| Ground Pork Vindaloo with Potatoes from Myheartbeets.com |
The Incident
Neither P nor I can recall how it all started. I believe it was early afternoon, a couple of weeks ago, a day off when I became very dizzy and felt I had to lay down. I was having trouble speaking and felt I was not getting enough air, which is not so uncommon post COVID. At the time and definitely now, it all felt more like a dream. I laid down on my bed, but was restless because my heart was skipping beats sporadically, like I had swallowed jumping beans, but then slowed almost too much. After that I was overcome with what I'll call emotion but words can't express much of what I felt that day. Giant waves of the most stunningly, vivid images flooded my head. I cried, hysterically, like a confused lunatic, not knowing how to process any of this at first. My head and hands were tingling and eerily warm but my body was so cold. I've had mild post COVID dizziness and fuzziness but this quickly became very extra.
P was scared, we thought I might be having a stroke. We wrestled a few moments with calling the doctor but had no idea what we'd say. I became very calm so in my limited way, I attempted to explain what was occurring in my body. all the while, this explosion of elation kept pouring in. All I knew was I clearly needed to stay with it long enough to see it through and that it was the coolest thing I'd ever felt. But yes, I also wondered if maybe I was dying. Although physically I was in this uncomfortable state, my mind felt separated and able to watch overhead somehow. The palpitations subsided and eventually I felt moved to go sit by the window. My head hit like lead against the sill where it rested. like a giant dead weight, trying to take in the fresh air. In a few short moments, a miraculous soft breeze, that was also a light and warmth hit my face and came into me. Came straight through, and right away began speaking to me! I was smiling and tears poured down, taking it in like a miracle. There was no way to describe this level of wonder to P but I tried my best. All of my senses strained to process and experience this light but proved completely useless. There were no words spoken, yet I understood everything. There was nothing to see, yet I was shown everything within seconds. Whatever it was, this air or light or form was the most loving, pure sensation. And it came in the softest of wind and communicated with me, and yes I know that sounds mental. At the same time a bubble surrounded us where every particle of space was alive and aware. I could not even look it was too beautiful, yet I did see. Psychedelics trips from many years ago pale in comparison. The amount of what I'll call information coming through was infinite but all so merciful and kind. A tsunami of reassurance and love, right there in front of me, in me, around me, somehow. How incredible it was.
I'd say I'll never forget it but I can't access most of the memory now, and have a very hard time swallowing it logically. If it weren't for me describing every detail to P who served as a witness, I think I might easily chalk it up to illusion. I was able to convey enough though that he was visibly moved and said he felt jealous witnessing this experience that he could not step into it but was only inches from the whole time. He could see everything in my face as I was also in sincere disbelief even as it happened and must have appeared in shock. And by the way, P is not one to welcome silly notions, ever. Something inexplicable really happened that day.
Of course, I'm cautious in many ways to share this story but also still so genuinely shocked that I don't know what to make of it and want to tell the world. The scientist in me feels there is an explanation that is indeed COVID related. Something about how my heart rate goes down very low and if I'm not getting enough oxygen maybe I could hallucinate. Or I've read about neurological damage, all above my pay grade but I suspect all that bad news will show itself eventually, if it's true.
It ended as a flickering light of the candle, out of it's lifeline wick. In a poof, the light was gone, and I landed back in reality, breathing better but very tired. I stayed at the window for a long time wondering what the hell just happened. P came to check on me every 20 minutes or so, bringing orange slices and iced lemon seltzer. I even stayed hoping the feeling would come back, but it didn't. Later we both just accepted we had no idea what to think. I kept it all in a little box in my mind to pull out and contemplate later when some time and distance passed. This is that day.
