Sunday, March 31, 2019

There Should Be a Law Against You Comin' Round

P cooked this dinner.  Chicken tenders and a butter lettuce salad.  It took some effort for me to allow him to make a whole dinner and it took him years to want to.  But what a treat.  Not sure how certain things became laws in this house.  I always made dinner.  It just happened that way.  Then this year he finally got in that kitchen and made some magic of his own.  He likes experimenting with meats. I've had a bout of chronic migraines so it was great timing.  I've been wrestling with the backlash of the Leaving Neverland documentary.  He's been fighting some violations of his own at work. And it's really screwing with both of us.   I'm wondering, are we really such soldiers of justice that it's interfering with our downtime?
P works in an ultra liberal school and his assistant has been ingesting much abusive behavior from one of the parents, not even an employee of the building.  She's been bullying him and waving her tuition payments like a staff.  And because this is one of his staff, P must take steps to protect him.  It has gone to the board and because of race, the matter was handled with serious consideration.  And in a month where the school had an event to end racism or some ridiculous notion and also held harassment classes, rights were fresh on the brain. They have one African American employee and had a potential case of discrimination.  It's all so laughable but unfortunately also a real situation. Regardless of it's irony, P spent a few days super stressed, taking all of the elements into account and searching for the right way to handle where justice would be served but a huge splash would not have to be made because this place has it's fill of drama just opening the doors.   And he didn't want his employee to suffer any repercussions.  In the end it was sort of out of his control as the company needed to issue an official response immediately following the complaint.  It could only go in his favor because he was on the right side of all the laws but of course they are now both paying a bit on the back end.  No one likes to be wronged.  Especially ones that have never been reprimanded before in their life.
And I'm still twisted out of sorts believing anyone is actually banning Michael Jackson's music based on this ridiculous HBO feature.  And like P, I've lost so many hours fretting and figuring how to fight it.  I have lists of reasons why this is also a major injustice.  It just goes to show you that when introverts get involved and concerned, then it really is wrong because we tend to stay out of most of the world's battles.  I've questioned why it has affected us both so deeply that we've lost days and weeks of our lives.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Spring Is Here, Why Doesn't My Heart Go Dancing

Spring is finally here but there hasn't been much of a showing yet, although I really do appreciate a slow build.  There's been sun in the last few days though, lots of beautiful new light.  Someone shared a picture of those purple flowers that seem to be the first to ever bloom here.  I haven't seen any yet. 
 It's still winter in my heart but the same as the exterior, I'm seeing small signs of melting. Feeling more hope and joy bursting out at unexpected times.  I made a spring-like Midwestern scramble last night for dinner with sweet onion, zucchini and grape tomatoes, basil and no-nitrate turkey lunch meat.  Reminded me of an Easter basket.
My heart was also warmed yesterday as I was rushing out for my lunch and a much needed restroom break.  I was catching my stride when I was confronted with a small black girl with Down Syndrome peeking out of the Family bathroom.  Her 1/2 inch pony tail tied back with a little pink ribbon. She stuck her head out and said, could you please come here.  As I came closer she whispered that she needed a maxi pad.  Like the Grinch, I immediately became so warmed by her presence, this very sweet, good girl.  I was given responsibility and didn't want to let her down. In a large store sometimes these small things can become very difficult to make happen. Due to the size, the running back and forth is ridiculous.  I asked a few girls before I went to security and thank goodness found a sympathetic gal who was willing to go ask her friends.  Eventually we found one. A side note that struck me funny was that even today, the guard tucked it in her hand for the pass off, like we were dealing drugs.  And instead of me going to her friend directly she asked me to stay back so they wouldn't be embarrassed.  I get that but also it's such a reminder how crazy it is that women bleed, almost shamefully.  I bet if it were men, we'd all be treating them like dying kings while it were going on. I then knocked on the door that I noticed my new friend had not locked and she came peaking out, grabbing it quickly like a little rabbit out of a hole.  A quiet, thank you before closing the door.  And for some reason it just made me feel so human and alive again. 

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Lord If You Hear Me, Touch Me and Hold Me, Keep Me From Blowing Away

My migraines are starting to scare me a little.  They come so strong and feel like they're frying up my brain cells.  And if I understand my neurologist correctly, they kind of are doing that.  She says damage can happen if you don't get a handle on them. Could bring on a stroke or dementia.   She tells me this in the scolding way one would speak with their teenage son.  Medications and remedies?  We're still trial and error'ing them sonsabitches.  I'm against her next step suggestions, steroids or Botox injections.  That all sounds like no thank you!  I'm freaky enough. Oh and keep your stress level low she says.  Meanwhile I'm developing a fear of these things lurking around the corner, like the boogey-man.
And yes, I could be more strict on my diet but I'm doing the best I can with my small stash of self control.  In my opinion, I've given up almost every vice that brings me joy in life.  What else must I sacrifice in order to ensure I don't wake up with my head on fire?  And as if they are not violent enough the next day I feel like I spent all night at a Fight Club.  I'm sluggish and dizzy. I'm weak and depressed.  Who wouldn't be?  This shit has made me pray for spontaneous combustion.
Migraines are like an enemy that you know.  People don't realize this but before they strike many times you'll get signs. Like with me, I'll get a stiff neck or yawn a lot the day before.  I'll start to feel slow and unable to focus well.  As in the horror movies, you feel it coming.  Right before it hits, I'll get a really bad headache that feels like it's far away.  Like a freight train coming in the distance.  One that maybe I could live with but within minutes it becomes apparent it will go full blown. That moment that you contend.  It's coming straight for you. Freddy Kruger is in the room.  The pain intensifies until if feels it couldn't continue.  Now you're unable to communicate needs.  You can't tell what your body will do. You know it's gonna hurt so bad to vomit but you hurl uncontrollably, usually with no food in your belly.  And sometimes, when it's an extra special one, you do this for an hour or so until basically you're unable to physically heave your stomach any longer.  Running back and forth, holding your head, shielding the light. Throbbing to full ferocity, with all your mental strength left you try desperately to shut down your engines.  You lie down and pray you can stay down because any movement is hell.  Even the slightest bit of light hits your eyes like full on sun so you pull the blankets and pillows as a barricade.  Later, sometimes much, if there is a God, you begin to feel the contractions subside.  The slow pulling away of the drum beat.  Usually I fall asleep but pass out is more fitting a term.

Two cool things about this.  They do go away eventually and you are so grateful to be normal again, albeit a little worse for the wear.  And P has begun to feel sympathy and is cooking dinner on these occasions.  Like this night.  A well seasoned minute steak with drunken asparagus and sweet corn.  Delicious!

Saturday, March 23, 2019

But It Ain't All Flowers, Sometime You Gotta Feel the Thorns

Roasted Red Pepper Lasagna
While riding my bike one day 3 weeks ago a voice and idea came to me.  You must make a roasted red pepper lasagna as soon as you can girl.  I love when this happens but it rarely does.  A fully formed recipe idea.  It's like you hear about songs being written in the writer's sleep. They're special.  Magically, it all just falls into place. I thought, of course, why didn't I think of it before?  Layer the roasted red peppers flat, like noodles. To mix it up I added layers of zucchini zoodles, sliced flat with a potato peeler.  In the center, instead of ricotta, which would be great, I just did mushrooms, onions, ground beef, basil, mozzarella and Parmesan along with a bold sauce.  This was a slice of heaven.  Nothing is hard, it's just several little steps, so I recommend for a night you want to zen out on your prep.  But I would make a big pan because there is nothing better than having a big slice of this just sitting ready for you.




Friday, March 22, 2019

The Way You Make Me Feel

Ryan Adams and Michael Jackson have been heavy on the brain this week.  I had no room to even read a story or watch a rebuttal video on R. I believe I can Fly Kelly.  I might have to circle back lest I missed some significant music history there.  But today I feel I'm the one suffering, from some sort of odd fixation on these topics of the moment.  Surely they can't be this important.  I got off the Trump coverage because I was unable to concentrate on my regular life.  Then today I was barely capable of focusing on work. Every conversation turned to one of these two knuckleheads.   I swear they're putting something in the water.
Green Chili and Baked Chicken
The two items in this dinner are as different as the two musicians.  Each achieved relative heights of genius at what they did for a living.  MJ was the king, no contest. In their respective little worlds.  Big fish, little fish.  Possibly one or both were capable of horrendous things.  Normally you wouldn't put any of these foods or people together but they were leftovers from previous nights and like I say, the boys I just can't seem to shake out of my mind.  Speaking of shake, the chicken is a homemade mock Shake n' Bake recipe that I just love. It's so crisp and juicy.  You don't miss all the grease from frying or the mess.  Its just what you'd expect, flour, heavy seasoning, Panko crumbs put in a bag. The chicken first dipped in egg, then dropped in bag and shake it!  Onto the baking sheet.  Life is simple, we just insist on complicating it. 
If you seek you will find all kinds of interesting opinions on YouTube but I like the way this unassuming guy lays out many of my own inner points. 

      Thursday, March 21, 2019

      But Now I Got A Bellyache

      I bought two bags of black eyed peas thinking I'd have lunch for the week.  Instead of remaking Slow Cooker Hoppin' John, for the second bag, I made a straight soup stove top with carrots, celery and tomatoes, garlic and jalapenos, lots of cilantro and tomatillo sauce as a garnish.  I guess these homemade hot sauces are like my version of the Sofrito that is popular in Spanish cooking here.
      I feel like some foods are for adults that have lived to appreciate food more intricately.  All these tastes like onions, certain vegetables, the full bodied flavors of a righteous bean for example.  These are all eats that I've come to appreciate much later in life.  The thought of a pot of beans was always foreign to me.  My sister R actually got me into making them through suggestion years ago.  She often spoke of having a pot on the stove and now that is what we lived off of through the winter.  Black, pinto, Great Northern, black-eyed peas (technically a bean), 15 bean soup ( a favorite), split pea, they are all incredibly hearty and easy.  Flavor with smoked turkey necks, ham hocks, salt pork, bacon or ham chunks.  Also, any herbs can change the theme. Cilantro, parsley, thyme, oregano, basil, you name it.  Use onion, garlic, carrots and celery for your base.  If you like, peppers and then tomatoes in the final stage once the beans are soft.  Adding acidity to the beans before cooked won't allow them to soften.  Don't trust the sites that say salt won't harden the beans.  I've made every bean error and one of them was salting too early.  Salt when they have already softened. 
      Tip: You don't have to pre-soak if you're using the slow cooker but when you can, you always should soak the beans overnight.  This makes them so much easier to digest and breaks down some of the sugars that can make you gassy.  Also, it loosens the field dirt and pesticides from the bean, so I also throw out that soaking liquid.  Some sites say to use it.  No way Jose. 

      Saturday, March 16, 2019

      Are You As Good As I Remember Baby

      A snowy day and Spicy Beef Kabobs.   This time with a tahini sauce and a Greek salad.  Served like Lettuce Gyros, you could do worse I'm saying.  This is a great cheap, easy, super tasty dinner idea.  I'd say supper, but I hate that word. 
      Example of more food words that make me cringe for whatever odd reason are; yummy and delish (when in place of delicious), however I love the website.





      spicy beef kabobs

      Braised Country Pork Ribs with Tomatillo Sauce

      Sister Samesies.  I texted my sister saying I got a great deal on Country Pork ribs and she sends me her pack of buy one get one FREE that she was thawing for dinner the same night.  

      Friday, March 15, 2019

      Baby, I'm in the Mood for You


      I hate the term date night because it smells of desperation and pathetic attempts to connect.  In reality, sometimes you just go out together and it does feels like a stranger because some effort is made.  But unlike a date, there is no stress.  You can't screw this up, they already love you and have accepted most flaws.    He pays, and you talk to each other differently then you do when you're home.  There are no computers, books, TVs, phones to distract so its sort of surprising how much there is to talk about or how funny you each can be.  And attractive!  It's really good to see your mate in a different light once in awhile and to be seen.  Mainly though a public setting forces you to act awake and be your better self.  To listen and respond. You'd be shocked how 29 years can make a man deaf to the tone of your voice.  Or how many times both of us have talked to the other one when they've had their headphones in and didn't hear.  That's a super depressing modern reality.  It's no one's fault but I think a great remedy is to make a point to tune in once in awhile.  But regardless of all of that, what a treat it is to eat great food and not have to cook or clean up! 

      Tuesday, March 12, 2019

      You've Been Struck By, A Smooth Criminal


      Related image

      an odd meal for an odd story - egg over pizza slice and leftover chicken soup

      After the 1993 accusations and the 2005 trial against Michael Jackson and all that we now know if you are super absorbed in the minutia as I am, this is the one circumstance that I feel we should NOT just believe the victims of sexual abuse again without thorough investigation.  I am livid how this situation is going down and quickly spreading like wildfire.

      I am leaving out well documented facts as to not regurgitate what is already out there written better  for you to read.  But understand, there was nothing more important to me this week then researching the new Leaving Neverland documentary.  In order to speak on the subject I refreshed myself with hundreds of videos, interviews, articles, opinion pages, friends of friends, polls, posts and the like. Finally I had to tell myself, 'Girl, you will never know the absolute truth'.

      I don't have cable so I couldn't watch Leaving Neverland so I watched 4 1/2 hours of people watching Leaving Neverland, mainly so I could listen to it in it's entirety, with headphones, catching every word  That turned out to be a blessing because I wasn't swayed by lighting and dramatic pauses.  I had my own, then read multiple reactions.   In some ways listening to these two seemed like a betrayal of my own trust.  However, my openness for the truth got the best of me at some point.  I believe all alleged victims should be heard and especially in his case, as we've all taken part in some way, allowing this most unusual way of life to go on.  We trusted this one man that was open about his love of just sleeping with children in his bed.  I at least, allowed myself that one person could actually be capable of doing this innocently albeit still wrong and also stupid.  It left a giant opportunity for people to take advantage of him.  I remember being mad at Diane Sawyer for asking him in her 1995 interview 'will you stop now, having boys sleep in your bed?' as if pleading with him for everyone's sake.  Secretly I wished he would have stopped too just because you knew the flood gates were open and someone was going to see this as a giant paycheck for life.
      Image result for young michael jackson
      Unlike the Ryan Adams controversy, Michael Jackson's persona and odd behavior is actually directly related to my affection for him.  We don't have enough interesting people in the world, taking different paths, living oddly with their bad selves like he did.  I saw him as a real person that existed in the world, separate to his music.  Separate entities but definitely linked as I can barely remember a time when Michael's music wasn't in my life.  Growing up in Indiana hearing the Jackson 5 on the radio constantly followed shortly by their introduction on television when I was around 5 or 6 years old. I owned 45 records and we tried to dance in unison like them in our backyard.  For a Mexican American kid in the Midwest, the Jacksons were also important because they were the closest role models to 'us' that we could get at that time.  Something to relate to and celebrate, like James Brown but this was a kid like me, also poor and from my state!  Millions witnessed him grow up before our eyes, this beautiful bright sad child.  Many of us still followed after his oddities set in and were not swayed.  Many started to care for him, fear for him, be protective of him.
      Related image
      For the last two weeks, I ran my own court case with as much information as I could absorb. Everything I know from the past I mixed with the present allegations and brought myself up to date with events I missed and there is a lot out there for those who seek more information.  As you go further down the rabbit hole, you really see that many little bits of information really change normal sounding factors.   Just like MJ himself and Neverland, all the fine points are distorted like Through the Looking Glass.  So many times, things aren't what they seem.  What makes sense is turned upside down and certainty is elusive. 

      The actual truth might be harder for so-called normal people to comprehend.  That he was simply an eccentric pedophile is a nicely wrapped package.  What we do know is true is certainly more difficult to absorb and far more messy.  My gut and much of my hard research still points to not guilty.  Michael Jackson as we knew him was hard enough to believe.  If you look at his whole existence, he's like a character out of the very best Tim Burton movie imaginable.
      Related image
      I was thinking how sad it is that most people can't even imagine  one man alive that would be weird or innocent enough to sleep with children and not have sex with them.  Makes you wonder how sick we are as a society in 2019.
      Image result for serious michael jackson
      I've had one theory through time that has stuck with me.  Michael could have suffered from multiple personalities, split alters that took over as needed throughout different times of his life.  One dominant alter possibly was regressed back to 5 to 7 years old.  In this way his time spent with young boys his age was very normal and could explain his 'preference' for boys over girls.  It would explain his invention of Neverland, not as a lair for catching his prey but to exercise his childhood fantasies in a context people could believe. His other split, the savvy businessman that people claim existed and must have, could have come out of necessity. That is also feasible because he saw much of the grown up negotiations and dealings at an early age and could have lifted a personality from that batch or even formed one out of several people he knew in order to sever the controlling strings of his father. The fact that he did have adult sexual relations with women also applies.  It shows possibly another alter, not as prominent but there was no disputing that it existed.   He was able to form a real relationship with Lisa Marie Presley.  He charmed and courted her, showed genuine affection.  He may have wanted her babies more than he loved her, but because he desperately wanted children.  So far, I don't see he wanted to breed in order to molest them.
      And to further my case, I ask you, what makes people split?  Intense traumatic events that's what.  Who had more trauma than this exceptionally talented meek, poor, African-American  boy pushed out into a grown up world that we can't even grasp.  No one could relate to everything that was thrown in his basket, not other child stars, no one.  He was entirely unique.

      To see people so uneducated on child sexual abuse makes me realize how little most know about Dissociative Identity Disorder, or split personality.  Extreme movies like Sybil and The 3 Faces of Eve gave a Hollywood glimpse.  But in actuality, it's a real condition and not so uncommon.  Everyone has it to a very lesser extent. It's just far more pronounced in folks with the mental disorder.  Everything we know about the small child that was Michael leads me straight to this condition when explaining his way of handling his growth and changes physically and mentally.  He could have abused boys as part of one of his egos and that's why we could never say 100 percent that nothing happened.  But it sounds like it was even more out of the ordinary. It points to an inappropriate fascination with children yes but with their beauty and innocence.  Maybe needed to stay in a childlike, pure state as a way to unsee much of the adult world he was forced into that frightened him so much.  This kept him safe from those visions to be with these boys, feeding off of their traits, running and playing until so tired they fall off to sleep. It also explains never wanting them to leave because maybe that state could not exist without them.  It doesn't imply any sexual conduct, in fact, that is projected from our minds. 

      Something that struck me that I don't think would be normal for a pedophile was when he was basically confronted for sleeping with boys in the Bashir documentary as well as several interviews afterwards, he never cowered away ashamed or tried to cover it.  He said it was the most loving thing you could do and that sticks with me because he seemed to be void of shame.  Shame is a big trait of molesters. Pedophiles don't actually enjoy these childlike things like toys and Disney characters themselves, they are props to lure.  Michael spent many hours climbing trees and doing childlike activities and did enjoy them very much.  We were all witness to that.  And it was constant for years.

      Then looking at this barely known film maker Dan Reed who struck gold by hitting the #metoo G spot at just the right moment for the mindless herds to support.  A wolf in sheep's clothing.   I don't know him but am very suspicious of anyone who takes on this icon and says it's not about him.  Who is looking into his motives?  Where are our top journalists on this?   We're just going to swallow this at face value? And what of these accusers, Robson and Safechuck?  With all that history and previous conflicting testimony,  I think those boys should take polygraph tests.  You can't ignore the fact that they both are in major financial debt, that they are coming out so late and after his death and after they both tried to sue the estate as adults.   They had a very long time to corroborate their stories and study up on molestation 101.  They both had access to so much detail that it would be easy to throw allegations into innocent situations set in inappropriate settings, like sleepovers, locations in the private quarters, etc.  I don't believe Robson and I see him as the instigator.  Safechuck looks scared, possibly suckered into this, perhaps a victim of false memory syndrome.  He's much more believable but still too many holes in his story.  Both of their reasoning for waiting to come up needs way more cross examination for me.  At 22 and beyond Robson never felt it was sexual molestation?  I could buy repressed memories but he states he never forgot anything and always just viewed it as 'loving'.  All the while he claims he understood that very same innocent loving was something he could send Jackson to jail for or himself, so that alone is very contradictory. I know a lot about how memories work and you don't have the level of fact detail at the ready like these boys claim in the documentary. You get snippets, bubbles of captured moments, not whole days.  You recall in a way your child-mind would relay these complicated sexual acts as well, so words they used for descriptions are words you don't have yet as a child.  Their big shocking explicit detailed moments in the film were too graphic in the wrong way.  For me, there was something very off and untrue about the way they recalled those specifics.  And that was the only real meat per say in the 4 hours. Grueling questioning and probing by top lawyers did not snap anything out of these boys in the past.  Hours and hours precisely describing sexual abuse did not lodge a question in Robson in either case?  Not to mention for the amount of years Wade is claiming abuse, the affects would show up big time in one's sexual life, in some form.  Fetishes, promiscuity for sure, homosexuality, bisexual at the very least - some type of quirk.  Yet we're to believe they both went on to have normal hetero lives?  That doesn't add up to me.  Depression was the only deviance expressed.  For Wade, the time the breakdowns occurs could be explained by his reckoning that his father committed suicide and his mom moved their entire family away from dad for Wade's career and all those dreams were bottoming out.   As for the mothers and wives, I'm dismissing all of them because there is so many unanswered questions and I got enough on my plate. Grandma too.

      And my goodness as if people aren't whacked enough right now, Oprah has to go and role out the red carpet in the most infomercial way for her Q and A session with the filmmaker and accusers.  The Jackson's including Michael must have trusted her like family.  I think it was very wrong of her to take this story for use as a platform to speak on child sexual abuse as it has not been proven.  No evidence was brought forth that would turn a jury, except for their personal accounts that sorely needed serious cross examination.  To even take the risk that these men are confused or lying yet let them speak on their experiences as fact with absolutely no true journalistic questioning was so unfair to him and his family.  This was the first time I feel Oprah ever really screwed up big time.

      Don't forget Tom Sneddon wanted Jackson so bad, obviously for the wrong reasons that he even tampered with evidence and reported lies but still TWICE could not prove that MJ was guilty on 14 counts.  Michael Jackson was cleared of all charges and he is dead.  The end of his life was tragic with addiction to pain killers surrounded by leeches and hangers on, like Elvis and Prince and others.  I say this poor man has suffered enough for two lifetimes and although I don't believe it affects him one bit in the afterlife, the way we tell history is important.  I think preserving his legacy is crucial for Black History, for American history, for all he endured as a human being yet still brought forth hundreds of incredible, unmatched to this day, forms of art including his singing, writing, music videos, short films, acting, not to mention live performances.  The inspirational aspect of his life, the mark he left and for this endless list of accomplishments alone, we can't let his work and complicated story be rewritten especially after death without undeniable proof that these allegations are true.

      I'll Share My World With You

      I'm only sharing this disgrace because even though it was really tasty, it was also done wrong.  It's Mexican Shrimp Fried Rice.  So true confession, I have never made successful fried rice in my opinion.  I'm getting closer.  The problem is not the ingredients but the technique.  What I'm not getting right?  Separation. For it to look right, the rice must separate, stay moist but also some crispy bits.  It tastes good because it's rice and shrimp and vegetables.  I started with pre-cooked rice, which is key and fresh shrimp.  What I did wrong?  Another confession, I hate reading recipes.  It feels like school.  But sometimes it could really save a ton of mistakes and time.  In this way I'm stubborn and pig-headed.  I didn't get high enough heat on the wok.  I didn't use enough oil.  AND even though I made the little pocket, the egg didn't cook properly before spreading out to the other ingredients because again, the wok was not hot enough.  Some people just do the egg separately and add it later or they cook it first before the rice, but I don't like the egg to dry out too much. 

      Monday, March 11, 2019

      More Bounce to the Ounce

      This happens to my sister too.  When making something healthy-ish and hearty, we crave something bad and spicy.  I was knee deep in beans this month so I whipped up a batch of Tomatillo sauce to super-size the flavor impact.  However, the fresh tomatillos were looking a little haggard at both stores, so I experimented for the first time with canned.  And they were so good!  I really couldn't tell a big difference.  Normally I char them beforehand but this was more of a cool citrus-y flavor with the heat of the beans.  And much easier to just pour all ingredients in your blender and zap it up!
      Hoppin' John Black-Eyed Peas & Red Rice


      Saturday, March 9, 2019

      Hoppin' John

      Hoppin' John with Tamale 
      I couldn't pick a recipe, so this is a mash up of all of the ones I read online but then turned into a soup. 🙉

      Friday, March 8, 2019

      Johnny What's The Deal Boy?

      There are so many recipes on-line for Hoppin' John that I ended up unable to settle on any one. This later became Hoppin' John but the first day of it's conception it was a very beautiful light bean soup using black-eyed peas.  Smoked turkey neck, garlic, jalapenos, carrots, celery, onions and a nice broth.  Very hearty but still spring-like.   Beans and soups are always better the 2nd day anyway. 

      For lunch a tamale and smooshed taco from El Mexicano