Saturday, December 31, 2022

Time Washes Clean, Love's Wounds Unseen

Tater Tot Nachos
I added cheddar, taco meat, sour cream and green onions to baked tots for a quick tater nacho for my after work impromptu party on New Year's Eve.  We settled in to watch Miley and Dolly's TV Special and it was a mixed bag of delights, some bizarre, some surprises.  All completely worth it!
For Dolly's outfit alone on I Love Rock and Roll. I hope Joan Jett got a chance to see that. 
David Byrne was mesmorizing and his voice was dynamic as ever.  The band Liily caught me off guard and took my breathe away.  What a pop of brilliance in an otherwise musical circus (i.e., Paris Hilton, SIA in a box).  Dolly can do no wrong and has earned her place and right to do whatever she pleases.  She is an icon and we're so lucky to have her. Miley is intoxicating and I couldn't take my eyes off of her as a performer.  She knows how to wow and then that voice and those legs!

The crowd was interesting but the best part was seeing the young girls cry when she sang Party in the USA!  

Lots of gays, as expected with those two at the helm.  A formidable welcoming of the New Year. All fabulous!
I'm a little foggy right now though on the gayification of EVERYthing!  Why does every single movie and TV Series have to include mandatory LGBT+ characters and love scenes?  I'm someone who could do without love scenes across the board, especially in thrillers and all other genres except romance.  Some of us are not lovers of lovers.   I'm not going to get pissed off if you make a legitamate romance movie, like 2017's Disobedience. That movie took my breath away.  So well done and beautifully written.  I think we should show diversity in characters across all genres, as it is in life. But can't it be more natural, as it is in reality?   

It's embarrassing how Hollywood is so easily manipulated and how quickly they abandoned protecting the art over fear of losing money.  Or maybe it's just how powerful the woke has become over industry.  Doesn't anyone come forward to stand up for artistic integrity anymore?  

(Spoiler Alert) We are watching the series The Last of Us and one whole episode took a giant turn to the entire plot to feature an unnecessary, poorly written, male love story that ended in layered grossness, selfishly taking their own lives and cloaking it in heroic romance.  I may be in the minority here and I love Nick Offerman but to me this was an overly sweet, sugar laden dessert that was tough to get down.  Not only that but all the group-think publications fell in line to call it brilliant and best ever.   It turns out the director, used his power to trick his audience into witnessing what he feels is controversial, two males falling in real love.  Um, unless you live under a rock, dude, everyone has gay friends, family, recording artists, actors, coworkers, and down the line.  We have seen real love, nothing brand new here.  When can we move on from this topic?!  Show us something real.  How is this even being funded?  Again, it had nothing to do with the plot and took me out of the series flow like a psychotic daydream.  I'm happily in bed with my nuclear fall-out zombies trying to forget my own damn troubles.

In order to show how over saturated this is, I say replace all of these film scenarios with a put-upon Mexican immigrant story. After all, they are certainly repressed, experience violence and injustices.  What if you had to sit through the same cookie-cutter Maria and Juan love story and struggle in every movie and series?  Is this something anyone would tolerate?  In order to educate the cists and racists who clearly need the learnin'?  No way!  It is becoming my true belief that almost any group that gains a little power, will eventually missue and abuse it and then a horse trail miles long will follow of mindless trolls.  Maybe history has already proven this but nevertheless shocks me seeing it come to fruition from a group I once admired so dearly.  Or does it?

People are not groups, they are individuals as different as snowflakes.  And just how the BLM movement became infiltrated by shiesty charlatans under our noses, I have to wonder how the folks that I know and love think about all of this new gay strong arming in media?  We know now that many times the individuals behind all of these change movements, may not be who we think.  Who's behind all of this, really?

Are legitimate gays behind this or is it woke housewives or millennials that need to affect the universe in some profound way.  My generation saw the Aids epidemic and the end of the hippy free love movement so there is perspective and depth to our concern over treatment of many groups but certainly gay rights.  However, I came from an opening when lines were less sharp in regards to sexuality.  One could explore being with the any sex to decide if it was for them at any time.  You could go for years without picking a side and never had to label or put yourself in a specific box.  Who you were as a person had nothing to do with the exact way in which you chose to have sexual intercourse or love another individual for that matter.  Hell my long time, not so young, friend is having urges to live and be with a woman again, and I say, cool.  Its neither good nor bad. 

In fact I've lived so long to learn I'm not special at all, and you're not special and no one is an island. We're all more similar than we are different in ways that matter and that is a tough pill to swallow, especially when you're quite proud of your uniqueness.  True individuality and creativity is beautiful, and inclusiveness is already here.  People who have a hard time embracing that are not going to be taught by forcing a bear love scene on a popular TV series. 

Feature Mexicans, black lesbians, gay couples, transgender teens and all the flavors of the rainbow in movies and TV series, I'm all for that.  That's how it should be.  But damn it,  let them be realistic characters, as they truly are, not teaching stereotype robots to infiltrate and force-feed everyone your personal vendettas. 

Happy New Year Bitches😄!

Thursday, December 29, 2022

I Got a Feeling, A Feeling Deep Inside

Sometimes things are perfectly fine, like this baked Chicken dinner served with Broccoli Rabe and creamy polenta.  It was missing nothing, delicious and warming.  A perfectly fine balanced meal.  It's just that, what I really wanted was something completely different, like baked lasagna or Calzone.  Therefore, my stomach was bored by this meal.  Not just bored but dissatisfied.
See the two new little babies growing where my cactus broke?! Time heals all wounds.
It's strange how one day this exact same meal could serve all your desires and the next, becomes too bland to placate, even making me feel a little sad for no reason.  Why does your gut crave excitement on certain days?  It needs a punch of spice or tangy tomato to stir things up in order to revive and awaken itself affecting everything including mood.  They say your stomach is as intelligent as your brain, so it does speak to us throughout the day.  If you're trying to be present, and paying attention to your body more, you start to notice the stomach is very outspoken, a real chatty Cathy.  And like a mad scientist we try to appease her throughout the day with various concoctions.  I paired this with an extra lemoned-up iced seltzer and garlic stuffed olives and those helped appease my persnickety, disinterested belly. 

Monday, December 26, 2022

Lord It's Like a Hard Candy Christmas

P was gone to visit his family.  I rode to work the morning after Christmas day in frigid weather, in fact the coldest I'd ever ridden in, except for Christmas Eve, which was even more brutal that night.  I wanted to hit my record on a holiday, it seemed almost like a bucket list item.  An introvert's fight club with one suffering member.  I wanted to feel something, even if it was painful.  A retail Christmas story.  One of the good things about working in retail during the holidays is there is a short-lived comradery with coworkers.  They may feel compelled to give you little gifts out of the blue, like this lady who brought this delicious spiced drink concoction, called Sorrel and boozy cake bite, in cute little containers.  Both were so sweet I wasn't able to finish but loved them just the same.  

My bud thinks Peanuts is life and had expressed her love on the 1/8 Weekly Playlist.  She would be Lucy, by the way.

I think that yes, we can all agree that the magic of Peanuts runs deep.  I stumbled across this article that revealed I am Snoopy in the Charlie Brown universe of zodiac signs the week before and had similar thoughts.  I mean, for one I was so caught up in my stupid pre-holiday angst, I never took the time to pick out small items that might make someone else's day.  These are people I care about.  That does come across as self-centered and I guess it is except it felt more like hell not to participate more.  I get joy in doing Christmas, I just couldn't be there this year, physically or mentally.  I consider sharing traits with man's best friend a high honor and even though I always figured myself more of a Woodstock, the stars don't lie. 
P would be Peppermind Patty!
Who are you?

Sunday, December 25, 2022

With the Dawn of Redeeming Grace

What does one eat on Christmas day when spending it alone?  I decided to treat the meal like a Last Supper of sorts. What would I want to eat as my last dying meal, say if I was being electrocuted the next day.  A death row dinner wish if you will.  I worked the nights before and would work the days after, in retail, so I was feeling put upon by life.  Yet I was also very much wanting to feel that spirit, the over flowing of love and connectedness one does on these holy days.  I made loaded oatmeal cookies with chili and cinnamon, nuts and chocolate chips. Obviously!  Spaghetti with meat sauce because I happen to love it and it was already made and I bought the real Parmesan for the baby Jesus. But for a twist, I made real fried chicken, something I never do.  I used a quick and easy recipe from Marion's Kitchen.  That's a girl who loves her fried chicken and has a bunch of amazing ways to prepare it!  
One benefit of being the sole party goer of your holiday revelry is you are free to go through all the emotions, out loud.  I taped up the Christmas cards on my door, carefully eyeing the penmanship and curves of the ink from family and friends.  I played Holiday records and danced around.  I put on Holiday comedy movies and laughed out loud.  I received several family group photos on text, which made me cry and miss everyone.  I lit candles and dimmed the lights, drank lots of hot tea, showered. Then finally sat and listened to the night.  Just like the stories, even in Brooklyn, not a creature was heard stirring, except the subway trains and sirens, an occasional base thump from a car waiting at the light.  It really was a relatively silent night.  A beautiful, quiet, blessed night.  Except the crunch of fried chicken from the light of the open fridge in the wee hours but other than that, pretty silent. 

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Let Us Bring Him Silver and Gold

Vegetable Party Soup!
Why stop at just potato and leek?  After all it's Christmas Eve! Aren't we supposed to bare gifts to the Newborn King?  Why not invite broccoli, kale, carrots, sweet potatoes and ham to the blessed birth?  Allowing this delicious convergence of flavors to meld and soften is key to this heavenly compost. 
Do you Wordle?  I get such a jolt when I get the word on the second guess!

My amped up version of this classic Potato Leek Soup is void of cream but instead allows the starch in the potatoes along with a dollop of sour cream to finish it.  You can simply mash it up in the pot until it becomes thickened and chunky, to your liking.  No need for the immersion blender, we are doing rustic here.

This is the original ingredient list from Once Upon A Chef's site that is updated to include my additions:
  • 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
  • 4 large leeks, white and light green parts only, roughly chopped (about 5 cups)
  • 3 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
  • 2 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and roughly chopped into ½-inch pieces
  • 7 cups chicken or vegetable broth
  • 1 bunch of curly kale chopped and massaged
  • 2 heads of broccoli chopped
  • 1 large sweet potato
  • 1 cup of chunked ham
  • 2 bay leaves
  • 3 sprigs fresh thyme
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper

  • Green onions, cheddar and sour cream for serving

Friday, December 23, 2022

Rejoice, Rejoice, We Have No Choice

Holiday Pasta 
My sister's yard buddy (above) that shed an antler in Colorado is just another reminder of how nothing is permanent.  
Consistent, predictable maybe, but not permanent.  When P goes away I tend to make huge pots of spaghetti with meat sauce and eat like a savage.  It's been a comfort to me, when alone to overeat as I've done for years and years.  This went back to when my parents would work all day and night, I would use television and spaghetti as a security blanket after school.  I was scared to be alone in a big house at night in a bad neighborhood.  Television characters would feel like familiar friends that livened up the otherwise dark, silent house and food filled a hole that was too hollow to leave empty.  For more nights then I care to remember, I was paralyzed with fear that someone was breaking into the house through the basement or one of it's many entrances.  I'd go through and check all the locks including the dreaded triple kitchen door that lead to the outside as well as to the unlit, drafty basement.  That door was massive and had a giant latch that once put in place, seemed to make the house go quiet. To this day I have recurring nightmares of that house and finding mysterious wide opened doors at night.  Here and now, I do get a little scared in New York riding home at night but generally speaking, I feel safe when home.  For the first time, in I don't know how long,  I didn't feel the need to overeat this year, although to some, this might be a giant plate.  I ate until I was full and made lunch boxes and froze the rest. 

I had what I call a cute breakfast of a poached egg over toast and a slice of freshly baked ham.   Something calved off of my psyche like an iceberg that day.  I don't know why it chose this holiday but I feel lightened and refreshed by it.  It's always been a small source of shame and disgust but unlike those with other eating disorders, I never tried to purge it out.  Instead I would keep it safely inside, giving me more weight as I lay comatose for hours, feeling comfortably numb until my hunger resurfaced, and I would repeat.   It's not the worst affliction and unless I kept doing it for days, it's not harming anyone or me but knowing its origin felt like it still carried some power.  According to antlers take a lot of energy to grow each spring as does lugging around old fears and hang-ups.  

Thursday, December 22, 2022

In Every Moment There's a Reason to Carry On

Dark Chocolate Chip Star Cookies 
I came home from work and found a gift bag of Christmas cookies on the stairs!  Our neighbors are quiet, kind, and bare the best offerings.  We don't know what we did to deserve them, as they have been a godsend to this building.  Years ago we had an elderly couple, may they rest in peace, that sold drugs and were alcoholics, with cleanliness and hoarding issues.  But they also had many beautiful sides to them and were always very kind to us.  I found my neighbor more than once laid out either on the stairs or outside with bleeding wounds and his wife Peaches came home some days looking so disheveled, I thought she'd been in a terrible accident. It's a very hard life for some and it's a great reminder when you see someone living through theirs in real time first hand that its almost a sin to complain about our petty nonsense.  People may say, it's all relative, but is it really??  

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

In Me You See a (Wo)man Alone

Hey Girl!
P left to visit his family for the holidays and to beat a once in a generation storm that he might intercept with if he didn't leave early.  Blizzard like white-out conditions in only 1 or 2 inches of snow, whipping through the Midwest, set to slam right into him just as he was pulling in around St Louis.   My weather nerd mapping would put him out of danger but it would depend on Mother Nature's shifting moods. It has been an odd coincidence that he leaves town during almost all of our major weather events. This time it was to get colder than the devil's nutsack here in Brooklyn and I wondered what kind of mayhem might ensue in the bitter frigidness.  I was sent this very soothing tea which is a step above and the packaging gave me giggles.  My sister always hooks me up with the best products and this would provide calming warmth during this glacial celestial marvel. 
Working through the holidays has it's small rewards though, especially if you like to observe the world.  Like in the puzzle above, alone time gave me perspective that I hadn't considered before.  Being alone allows you to hear your own thoughts and then finally to not hear anything and just listen.  That is my favorite place to be, alone with everything together all at once. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

That I Might Understand You

Pizza Slices cut into squares so they could be eaten as a snack and everyone knows, snacking doesn't count.
Earlier that day, I made another biggie-girl breakfast of ham and poached eggs on avocado toast with leftover roasted potatoes. Bacon and eggs or Ham and eggs?  It's like choosing Pepperoni or Sausage pizza. Both are perfection.  
I've been falling asleep to You Tube chefs, trying to get inspired to make interesting meals and step out of my comfort zone.  Although come to think of it, mainly I'm just watching food porn until I sleep. Research, I call it.  But while viewing, I notice that the Tuber's seem more desperate to get not only your Like but for you to subscribe and become a Patreon supporter.  They have become clingy partners who want you to say you love them on the first date!  Hell, it's not even a date, you might have just been walking by and decided to take a quick peak.  Okay, I understand, it's easy enough to press the like button, although I wish they'd make it possible to do in full screen.  This new pseudo friend is going to waste a couple of minutes of my life asking me to subscribe too...then without skipping a beat, they're already asking for me to become a Patreon?  Dude, we just met, now I'm gonna give you money every month, just like that!?  It all happens much too fast.  Not only that but you get commercials interrupting the videos.  Plus you have to listen to the host talk out a commercial since they all have sponsors suddenly.  Here's someone you're trying to spend some time with, so to speak, but your'e watching them fake how they love a product and maybe some do, but I got the feeling that most don't.  So now we got trust issues.  Everyone has to make a buck, sure.  I suppose I'm a fool to believe people have free time to keep producing incredible content simply for the love of the art.  But it's hard to accept that everyone does it mainly for the money.  Maybe they're just trying to make a living, doing something they love.  I could understand that.  I just don't get why everything has a price tag on it these days.    

Monday, December 19, 2022

I'm Back in the Saddle Again

Back to work after the bike accident.  The quick post-wreck mac and cheese dinner made a great lunch box meal two days later.  People asked if I was sore.  The truth was things hurt that I didn't even know I had.   I worried I went swiftly into the old body night without warning.  Would I feel better than this, ever? Am I going to be the lady with the weird walk that looks like everything hurts? If it was to be true and thank God it wasn't, I didn't want to know.  The natural healing process would confirm later that I would be just fine and back to my annoyingly fast pace walk, no weird ticks. 
I made a pot of split pea soup with my left over ham bone to get back in the groove of life.  The addition of fresh dill to the traditional recipe, the only deviation, but that brightened it up quite a bit.

We headed back to the scene of the crime to say thank you to the Firefighters who let me store my bike on my way to work. P would take it in to get it fixed. We noticed the street was renamed Seven in Heaven, after the fighters from this battalion that perished on 9/11.  

Saturday, December 17, 2022

I'm Skittish!

Sing along!

I'm skittish!

This city's givin' me the creeps!

I'm skittish!

The shit is gittin' pretty deep!

You're number came up,

said my husband,

Be more like Eckhart Tolle,

Don't mind what happens,

Dude gunned it at the corner,

eeeerrrk, crash!! (sound)

Hold up, Hold up

So, all day at work, I had the fear

That some evil darkness was lurking near 

So what happened was,

I was hit by a car

on my way home 

You get me so far?

Now I ain't some young girl of 20,

I celebrate  in decades,

Already had DIS MANY! (holds up six fangers)

it's hard to be old and on a bike

In a city that dismisses all us misses 

that's past our prime

Was there a stop sign there? as he jumps out the car.

Hell yeah Muthahf#c&er what you think I R? 

laying on the road, my limbs splayed out like a splat

You think bike tires work all jacked up like that?

I'm trying to figure out if I can get on my feet.

Seeing what's broken or if I've scraped any meat 

or if there's blood 

gushing out from my lady parts,

Just then a witness hobbles over screamin'

I sawer it from the start!  


He was in the wrong!

Go to the hospital, make him drive you home.

I say, I'd rather die right here on the street,

Then go to Brooklyn ER 

on a Saturday night!

Dude I'm Skittish!

This city givin' me the creeps!

I'm Skittish

Shit gittin' real deep!

Like Old School Will Farrell 

Gittin shot in the neck

I think I see Blue!

as I hit the deck

Yup, dat's him

and he's glorious

Can you stand up?

I say 


You're crazy Man!  

But it's gonna hurt like hell in days to come!

The guy asks me, Do you want a ride home,


you 'bout killed me SON! 

So he called me an UBER and we stood by.

It's hard when your assailant is a friendly white guy.

But now I sent the bill and he's taken to the sky

Like Bloodstone


I love that song, you remember that song P?

Get back to it!

Now thinkin' back he mighta been drunk,

I shoulda cursed and screamed but instead I shrunk,

I don't know if it was entirely your fault

shot out my mouth like a lightning bolt 

like a Touretta Lynn,

I say stupid shit

when I get a little nervous, 

words squirt out like spit.

On the ride home I get to thinkin'

2022 tryin' to take me out!

With COVID and Long Haul and machetes about

in the subways and that's why I ride my bike,

you can't predict when a rando will strike.

I'm skittish!

This city giving me the creeps!

I'm skittish!

This shit is gittin real deep!

I'm just trying to get to heaven before they close the door

Bobby D knows WHAT we're living FOR!

I know old ladies can't rock like Flavuh,

but I'm shinin' up my words like 


I ain't giving up,

still wanna live my life

Get out the city, maybe head down south

Lay out on the beach with Mark and Tee

Our main man Nate, dogs Dais' and Scrappy

We got a 401k for when we retire

Can't quick now 'cause who will hire,

an old lady with very little skills,

 and less to admire!

So for now,

I'll go back to work and heal

Tell the story to my homies and stay GRATEFUL

They all listen and say 

girl, you might be cursed

But err'body's sayin' 


I'm skittish!

Somehow after the accident, in a daze, I managed to make food.  Amy's Mac and Cheese fortified with broccoli, ham, onions and green beans.   

Editor's Note:  I survived but unfortunately today, on that same route to work, the same ride in time, a girl was fatally struck on her bike in Red Hook and didn't make it.  I had coworkers calling me frantic, all thinking it was me.  Ride safe and my heart goes out to the family that got that bad news today.  

Thursday, December 15, 2022

We Gon' Celebrate and Have a Good Time

Ham Sandwich with American Cheese on Toasted Rye for lunch

Roasted Accordion potatoes and green beans for dinner.  A dollop of sour cream and green onions post-picture brought these lackluster spuds to life. 
Pre-holiday Chipotle Glazed Ham
P was to be gone for Christmas this year. I was to stay and work through the holiday in retail because that is how I chose to live my life apparently.  Instead of feeling lonely or pathetic, I chose to observe the holiday in fits and starts, savoring the moments.  I made this pre-holiday ham to bring modest weeknight merriment to an otherwise uneventful week. An all day rainy day off was the perfect setting.