Friday, August 31, 2018

I Think I'm Sinking Down

My sister in law came to a wedding in New York and we were able to visit and site-see for an afternoon.  It was very special as this is the wife of Lobo, our brother that passed just a little over a year ago.  It was hard enough losing my sibling, I could never imagine losing my spouse and don't want to try. Even going close to the idea I became so empathetic and filled with sorrow for her, remembered the sadness we all still hold and carry with us.  That moment when you allow your mind to pull out and see the aerial view of the truth.  The whole fractal image of loss that goes on and on.  We all lost my brother but he was closer to some and of course his wife.  She went through it with him daily, the horrible, debilitating cancer.  She saw him each and every day, the deterioration happening to him, his poor body withering.  She heard all his emotions, what he chose to share only with the closest to his heart, his fears, his wishes, his reality.  All the while also experiencing her own.
He always told me he wanted to come to New York.  I never knew if he meant it but she confirmed it was a real wish.  I longed to show him my version someday and looked forward to when he got better so that a trip like that would be possible.  But it didn't come.  I thought of how I could have sent actual pictures to try to show him my world instead of a book of New York as I did.
But now, after he is gone, it was time to focus on those remaining and what we learned.  The fact was she and I didn't speak for years and years.  Not for any good reason, just life. Only when he became sick did we reconnect, mainly through my other sister.   Now we had a chance to become friends as adults. We get to recall him together and I have a very beautiful reminder of my brother in her.  She says she see's him in me and in his family, so we are also her remembrance.  And we will benefit from that but it's also what would have made him happy.  In fact, he did tell all of us individually that it would be cool if we became closer and looked out for each other more.  What a thoughtful person.  And I take it to heart.  I want to fulfill that wish.

So, you'd think I would be top of my game when choosing the right restaurant when she came.  I had the idea to go to the oldest coal burning oven Pizzeria in town, thus the long line for lunch.  My plan B was vetoed so we did wait about 45 minutes which felt like more because we were tired and needed to sit. As we stood I considered all the gorgeous sit down environments I could have chosen, instead I have us at the CBGBs of restaurants.  Old New York is slowly dying and yes, pizzerias are a dime a dozen right now but soon it will not be easy to find one of these long standing places.  And the pizza really, for me anyway, was exceptional.

Can I say that I just LOVE when someone we love comes to town and I see them in our backdrop, smiling and enjoying the small pleasures. 
I used to imagine my sis Rachel having the ability to see out of my eyes so I could show her things when I wasn't with her.  Like passing her the binoculars of my mind.  I had such a longing to share, for her to see exactly what I saw, experience just as I did.  This has gone on from like 5 years old. And maybe somehow now brother could see New York after the fact, through her eyes and finally get his trip.

She told me beforehand at some point she wanted to stop at a fountain and throw some coins in that she found in my brother's pants pockets.  We had him in our hearts all day.  He was with us, my other sister kept telling me in her texts.  I wanted to believe it, that he was walking with us.  It had started raining and coming toward the end of the visit.  We walked over to Washington Square Park and it was all very light until she finally threw those coins in.  It happened quietly but the way my heart sank instantly so deep like those coins to the bottom, feeling the weight of loss.  Even now, it stops my breath. I love her and our entire family. I hope I don't let her or them out of my life ever.

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