You Don't Know How it Feels To Be Me

Doctored Whole Foods PIzza 

For eight dollars you can feed two people with these Whole Foods frozen pizzas.  We try to stay away from prepared food in general but Pandemic living has changed that slightly.  When your choices are either completely homemade meals or take out, then these little in-between helpers are a nice compromise but not too often because it's a slippery slope.  Letting our guard down can come with consequences. 

A friend recently wrote and asked me how it was working in retail right now.  Such a loaded question, it took me aback as I forget much of the population is dealing with entirely different issues, that somehow we're even more isolated than before.  It's been a long strange trip even looking back to only four months ago, walking into the building for the first time and seeing all my fellow coworkers.  How strange that was, like the scene in Close Encounters when Richard Dreyfuss gets on that small plane with the others of his kind.  

Looking around the room at the equally spaced singular tables, I could see in some people's eyes that they had seen the spaceship.  I wanted to grab them and hug them, say how I understood, have a human moment, but I didn't. I stayed facing forward, sitting quietly getting briefed on the new world we were about to enter.

Everything felt so dangerous and temporary but that hasn't gone away.  The store manager's are trying to force us to act as though the dangers are no longer there because we were 'making the customer's uncomfortable' it was said.  But when they recently increased the capacity, many of us began building barriers out of trash cans, fixtures, anything we could to put distance between us and the thousands of daily germ carriers.  We are tested daily for fever, yet they could be Typhoid Mary.  One day recently after the news about the uptick in Brooklyn numbers and two coworkers became ill, I literally moved an entire workstation that was in a vulnerable area, that I had complained about but so far no one had seen fit to relocate.  I had no authorization but could not go another day watching people work so closely to strangers without care.  I felt compelled to do it and may have scared some of the youngsters. 

I understand if some coworkers feel they are invincible but I already know I'm not, so protecting them is protecting myself.  That's how I see it.  I'm tired of trying to get those workers to comprehend the risk on both of us.  I need to protect myself.  If I hear another 20 year old say, That's okay, I think I already had it, I may punch someone. 

In just these short months, we've gone through many versions of what operating safely looks like.  The rules were broken more and more often when the city moved into the 3rd phase.  Coworkers began facing each other for lunch. Many of the margarita smelling alcohol dispensers and surface cleaning bottles are now missing or empty more often.  Tables aren't being wiped down between users, the bathrooms have become disgusting again.  But Brooklyn is facing another wave right when retail needs to get on it's feet.  I don't think we can afford to not do well for another 3 months.  When companies are desperate financially, they can make dangerous decisions. Our's is very conscientious but locally, it's far less humane and in the same breath, many in the staff are also taking advantage of the chaos, calling out constantly.  Decisions and daily changes are being made quickly and that makes a person nervous. 

This company where pre-COVID had always said 'speak your mind, tell us what we're doing wrong, question what doesn't make sense'.  At least they wrote it all over the walls, printed stickers and put on buttons we are forced to wear.  Now the word is 'do as I say' and the word non-negotiable has come up a few times this week after I pushed back.  That tells me we're in a new stage.  

So how is it working in retail right now?  Not great.  That being said I'm grateful to have a job.  Many of us are more afraid than others. It's too crowded for comfort.  Everyone starts masked but because of the exertion it takes to walk through the vast store, many end up pulling them down to catch their breath which is exactly what you don't want as those particles take flight during heavy breathing.  I can't blame them but customers are not concerned with my safety. They come at us like zombies with their cell phones pointed like guns, trying to show us what they found on the website.  We wear giant yellow buttons that say, please remain 6ft away for our protection but it's like trying to teach cats.  Anything that is so consistent is exhausting.  People actually come around the plastic barriers and enter the tiny space with us, which clearly describes the ridiculousness of the time.  You've never experienced anything so bizarre as standing in a plastic bubble with a 70 year old 6 inches from your face, who sees nothing wrong with this picture.  Its a scene right out of a Monty Python movie, as the scene goes silent, I hold my breathe quietly and slowly ask them to please move to the other side, pointing at the plexi-dome created to keep me safe. I can only guess education will take time to break this closeness we are so used to.  An old man or woman with their mask down to their chin, breathing heavily that can't hear well or where English is perhaps a second language regularly come so close that they grab me like a life raft.  That happens maybe 50 times a day.  I feel for them.  This is someone's grandpa.  But I am scared too.  You can only guess even masked, how so many encounters increases our load and vulnerability.  After all the air is only circulating to a point, we work in a box.  And children.  There are so many kids, running around touching EVERYthing.  They're kids, they get colds, they wipe their noses with their hands, then grab at things.  It's all very common and understandable.  But now, it is different.  Coworkers also must touch everything.  It's impossible I guess is what I'm saying, impossible to stay safe.  Nothing has changed since we were ultra careful wiping the bottoms of our shoes, cleaning packages before opening, not leaving our houses 6 months ago.  We just get more and more relaxed but it supposedly only takes that one infected person's breath to penetrate an orifice.  

Chris Christie of all people said it best this week.  He was someone who had been very careful.  He was afraid as he was high risk.  He knew it would be very tough for him should he contact the virus.  His state is doing horribly and he was a big fat target.  Then he let his guard down after being so careful for so long hunkered down safely in the butt hole of our president.  Even though the event he attended was said to allow only tested people and was mainly outdoors, he felt it was perfectly okay to hug and kiss on fellow like minded idiots.  How far will he or Giuliani go to live in the kingdom of hell?  Apparently as far as it takes.  Well he's lucky to be alive and an average man in his condition that didn't have access to his level of care most likely would not be that.   

A biggie breakfast to start the day

You Got Me So Confused, It's a Shame

I admit, shamefully, that I did not want to spend an additional 2 or 3 hours of my day investigating and reading articles, watching video footage of the Breonna Taylor trial today and last night.  It's my day off and I value that time, each hour like precious gems. I try to fill them with creative projects, communication with family and friends, making meals for my mate, watching good movies, writing, listening to music.  Basic simple joys.    All the things that I resent not being able to do while I'm working. Putting on my own oxygen mask before I attempt to save others.  But how do you accomplish that logic and also keep up on the multitude of important, complex problems facing the world right now, and at the rate it's all pouring in.  How do we accomplish that balance of duty with our personal pursuit of happiness in this new world? 

I knew what I thought was enough about Taylor's case weeks ago to see it was an injustice, to feel for her family, to mourn the death of an innocent woman who probably made people happy and clearly was on a path to a better life after falling in love with the wrong someone.  Enough to be concerned this was on the heels of Floyd and yes, a responsibility to at least get informed and pay attention to the outcome.  I do agree this is everyone's problem, not just the black community.  If we, people that are less affected, go on ignoring these blatant crimes and misuse of power, that's a problem, we become part of the problem.  I do get that, I read the protest signs and pondered them, at first a little annoyed anyone was trying to guilt me into action but there's enough truth and good intention in the message to get my attention.  

But these folks need our help in numbers to make change and it should never be okay but worse now, that more people are made aware it's happening. So to know and continue to allow it with a blind eye is no longer a choice we should choose.  And the truth is, but what is not being talked about, is that so many of us 'other' people have been victims of lessor but disturbing power plays by cops too in our lives.  I know in my house we've talked of more than a few incidents and have even been together a couple of times when it happened.  Some people get into those jobs and use them as a tool to play out their crazy, sick, psychosis.  I've seen it in the extreme first hand. So,without even hearing all the detailed facts, it's not that big of a stretch for me to believe this is all really happening to folks less protected by status and class in society on the regular.  

But even putting aside responsibility,  how much can one take on, competently and truly?  When these complicated issues pile up you find yourself overwhelmed and unable to do much of anything but get yourself all upset and feeling deflated and tired.  Prioritizing is even tricky.  The election is coming at us like the unpredictable waves of Cabo San Lucas.  We're the flailing tourists who one moment were sunning happily but suddenly now are caught in the undertow on the beach unable to get up before the next bigger wave hits, and yes, some drunk and stupid but others of us were just living our lives, ignorant to how powerful the ocean can be.  This never ends well on the videos I watch late at night.   

Us before the election

We're all spent mentally from this Pandemic and what it's done to our everyday lives.  The discourse in society around the cops, our public servants bringing on this disruption by their years of bad behavior within their precincts and no one making them accountable.  I'm willing to believe that issue is so much bigger than that because nothing is simple anymore.  We have so much history, bad blood, old problems, poor leaders, years of corruption.  These types of things spin a brain like mine.  For someone like me, just a girl trying to enjoy her day off it feels like being hit with wave after wave and my inability to catch up or get a proper grip on solid ground has now become yet another problem to tackle.  

Before social disorder could hit the streets and because my grocery is across the street from Barclays Center, the starting place for all protests, I ran to the store for dinner and found this nice fresh, wheat pizza dough and thought to create a flatbread using grated sweet potatoes, Italian sausage, spinach and onions.  Lots of garlicky olive oil for good measure and of course cheese.  It was definitely a hit and a surprise even to me since I haven't made anything impressive in weeks.   

To this point I have not been a protester, I have never marched for anything.  I've thought about it.  The virus definitely squashed those thoughts previously but I will find a way that's true to myself to help.  When it's this specific though, I need to have all the facts and I'm still absorbing them.  As a matter of fact 20 minutes ago, I was sent the Definitive Breonna Taylor story, or so I'm told.  This made me realize, and maybe I've been slow to get this but we're no longer just protesting bad cops but our entire legal system if we are not able to accept the verdicts.  That would be more of a tsunami. 

My City Was Gone

My empty street in Brooklyn

A group of rats playing near City Hall (only caught one)

We drove to the city to see if it was as desolate as some were saying and if there were changes since the last look around.  Well, no one is exaggerating, the city is definitely void of millions of people.  Shops are closed and all the street vendors are gone.  Here and there we found small pockets showing life but from City Hall to Harlem, you've never seen so much concrete.

Broadway closed off for outdoor dining

To prepare for the journey we stopped for McDonald's breakfast.  I got the Bacon Egg and Cheese biscuit and it did not disappoint with hash browns and coffee of course.  Today especially I honor McDonald's for being a beacon of hope we can count on.  Everything was hot and freshly made and the coffee was perfect and that's what you rely on and expect.  It's very unsettling seeing so many missing bodies in the city.  P reminds me that I did imagine this, in detail.  Not so long ago I would bore him with all my fears at night forecasting gloom and doom until I had to turn off the fear or I couldn't enjoy the present.  I was obsessed with mutant viruses and the fall of big cities in a heartbeat by some horrid event.  And now, as we are in one of those nightmares, it is so much stranger than I pictured. It's as if we went through the rapture and suddenly people are just gone from the streets.  The quiet becomes the horror. Yes, thousands did die but how many up and moved away?  How many businesses closed up shop?  How many buildings lie empty?  There is still very little acknowledgement, probably a hold out of hope that it will just pop back as quickly as it went away.  But to me the reality of the change feels like a big alien ship landed right in Central Park and we just put some caution tape around it and keep looking the other way.  

In my worst conspiracy scenarios, I never imagined this slow quiet burn of nothingness.  I know job loss is a huge problem across the whole country, not just in big cities but a New York deprived of millions of city dwellers is a shocking contrast and does not come without huge repercussions.  It's difficult to even consider what it all means and each little thought bleeds into more fractals.  I probably can't comprehend the half of it.  Driving along the streets, you consider the companies that cleaned these buildings, elevator workers, restaurants surrounding the businesses, coffee vendors void of hundreds of morning customers, cab drivers missing passengers.  No one paying to keep up the electricity and gas in thousands of offices.  How long can all these buildings remain vacant before some type of vandalism or decay sets in?  I heard the NYC rats were starving and in desperation were bothering patrons of outdoor eateries.  We're lucky the garbage men are still collecting regularly.  With so many less people on the streets, we're hearing about daytime shootings which are up 97% over last year.  The weeks are just passing like some ghost train.

How long is this little pause in the action going to last before the next shoe drops?  Will the city recover or need to be entirely repurposed?  Who could know but hopefully those with great minds to imagine will create new beginnings lest we become ruins for some distant space traveler to sort through and ponder what happened to this great metropolis.