I'm the Bad Guy, Duh!

Bunless Chili dogs

A pantry dinner and nod of pride to New York City featuring Nathan's Hot Dogs, fortified canned chili with black beans and seasoning, leftover sauteed cabbage.

P deflecting virus

When you're walking outside on the city streets now, a few weeks into this pandemic, you don't know who's sick and who's just trying to avoid getting sick.  It's just a matter of time that most of us will get this virus and either not know it, get a lighter version or worse.  When you're fully in it, you can certainly avoid going out if you've prepared or have help as I did.  When this was surfacing, I didn't wear the mask at work, no one did, even though my sister urged me to for weeks beforehand.  They issued gloves only the day before we closed. My reasoning being at the time you wore a mask if you were sick so people knew. That was the initial social agreement.  Now 3 weeks later we're all in masks each as individual as we are, even full on gas masks.  I feel bad that when I felt it coming on, I tried to fight it by getting out there in the sun and the park, to walk if off, without a proper mask.  But you weren't supposed to have the proper masks because normal people shouldn't need them.  On the reverse at that time you were told scarves do nothing, but by the way, everyone please start wearing some type of mask, knowing fully well they're harder to get then Tylenol right now.  Meanwhile I passed the little kids, strollers and mothers congregated in the the playground, the dog owners gathering, high school kids strolling together as if the whole world hadn't already changed.  I remember being pissed that everyone was not taking the task to flatten the curve seriously enough.  But I was out there too.  It's so impossible with this many people in such a small space.  Like the ultimate game of tag! you're it, but with action paranoia and public shaming.  

While in the thick of it, it's hard to tell people I'm scared shitless.  Who do you tell?  You don't want to worry family, they can't do anything for you but you don't want to hide it either in case things go south.  Friends in New York are all dealing with either being sick themselves or in a high state of anxiety, rightly so.  I've relied on my out of state friends, hopefully not leaning too far.  Beyond all of that, you can't dwell on what might come, but even if you just look at what is happening today, it's quite enough.  The daily news brings images of our worst nightmares.  Mass burials?  Say no more, please. Days are more a mental battle than anything.  There are beautiful things happening too, like the 7pm ringing of the bells. Everyone yelling out their windows for our service workers who are risking their lives and that of their families.  I cry everytime.  Still, I can't help but wonder if it's the equivalent of saying 'thank you for your service' to our soldiers.  I just read EMT workers in NYC are only paid around $34,000 a year.  Our city's core problems are surfacing like thousands of floating corpses in the Hudson river.  We are at such a crossroads, a huge opportunity to make a leap for the better.  I hope we will.

Working in a busy retail box store with no ventilation, I knew this was coming for so many of us.  I can even pinpoint the day I believe I contracted it.  It was Sunday, March 15 after a slow week, hundreds flocked in to buy home computer and school desks for their children's homeschooling and work.  We had so many call outs so they asked me to cover that department.  I felt it so strongly, the numbers, the odds,  it's just math.   The weeks beforehand I felt anger being so vulnerable in that environment having listened to doctors saying the virus can pass with breathing.  But our company tried as best they could with the limited brain capacity and nutcases in charge.  Their heart is always in the right place and that's important. You have to be your own mayor, governor and manager now I believe, there is so much misinformation and conspiracy theories everywhere.  I failed too.  I was pretty sure I had it but didn't isolate from P and now he's sick.  I also believe I killed my little Mona the cat. 

I'm the bad guy. 

Sick and sequestered to window ledge

Labored breathing worse during full moon? This is sister's pic from Colorado where you see the moon so huge!