Why Oh Why Did She Have To Leave and Go Away

I miss my mom.  I miss her presence.  I miss talking to her, hearing her voice.  I had no doubt that I would feel her spirit after she passed regularly and thoroughly.  But its not the case.  I haven't felt her.  I have tried to speak to her and conjure her spirit going to work and at night, whenever it's quiet.  On this morning I was asking her what's up and what's it like, where is she, assorted questions.  I stopped to lock up my bike at work as usual.  I look up and I see this squirrel staring at me, coming up to me slowly.  This is under the building in a big parking lot, usually void of all animal life. It stunned me and I tried to shew him away for fear he was rabid.  But he just stayed looking at me and near enough to shake me out of my routine normalcy.

But it wasn't until after I got in the building it hit me that anyone in their right mind would consider this a sign.  In my head as a child and beyond my mom had all of these powers.  She was very humble but she could communicate like no one I have ever known, like through all parts of her being. And deep interesting knowledge that people don't normally even discuss.  She lived there in that place, where ever it came from.  Perhaps she found a way to send a little nature buddy to say hi in a sweet way that did not make me sad but helped me to remember to live in the moment and keep my mind open, not just my eyes.

My sister said the squirrel definitely wanted to bite me.

Later it rained hard, which was another huge treat.   Mom if you read my blog, I miss you so much.  You were an amazing mother in so many nontraditional ways and I'm so grateful for all the gifts you gave me and all of us kids.

Mom's voice would go high when she saw something she liked.  I could just hear her if I presented her with this salad with grilled portabello mushroom, nuts and grape tomatoes. 

And she would have been so pleased to see a Christmas cactus bloom twice.

I didn't show her enough gratitude.  I did not tell her I loved her as often as I should have.  I did not do enough to make her feel proud.  Regrets are worthless offerings.