Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Nothing Really Matters, Anyone Can See

Black Bean Chipotle Burger with Confetti Corn Salad
This is an example of getting the flavors just right but the picture not doing it justice.  The chipotle sauce and chopped onions over the cheddar in retrospect needed a piece of green.  Maybe this could have been laid on the top of the corn salad and either some cilantro tossed on top or avocado.  It just looks like ketchup and gives the wrong impression.  My food photography has been lagging a bit.  Possibly due to the fact that I'm always rushing.
I scramble getting ready for work.  I race to get there.  I hurry through my paperwork.  I talk to customers like I have to go to the bathroom, just passing through quickly and honestly usually cannot wait for them to just get to the damn point so our interaction can be over.  I eat lunch fast before going to the restroom to refresh before I have to run back to the floor.  I bolt home on my bike only to try to pull something out of my arse and call it dinner.  I feel like I'm missing something when I am not doing exactly what I want to do.  Not that I know what that is but I damn sure know what it isn't.
But I need to settle my ass into real time motion at some point before my gig is up. I have gained nothing by this method.  It's stressful yet the only way I have been for decades. Can you really change who you are at this stage of the game?  These are core operating principals.  It'd be cool if I was an overachiever or was hitting all my goals but truth is I don't even have any.  All that shit just flew out of the window some years ago like all the things I thought I knew.  As if someone came to me in the middle of the night and said, 'Pssst, hey kid, guess what?  None of this matters, including you'.  And instantly I realized they were so right.  But instead of fixing my pace, my method worsened.  Now I probably just speed up out of some fearful coping mechanism, hiding from the depressing truth instead of spinning it positive.  How freeing it should be to hear nothing matters.  Reminds me of being back in Berkeley years ago.  We passed around the Tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff at the record store where I worked.  That tiny little book made a huge impression and I decided to use it like the bible for some years.  I'd forgotten until just now, how all of this relates strongly to the teachings.  But what have I learned other than I'm still Rabbit?
Well, if I had to answer that like a job interview question, I would say that I have become great at searching out sites and occurrences and value in life and photographing my findings.  I sit and be with them in the moment later like treasured art.  I have repurposed friends as I'm not great at making new ones.  I've dusted off some of the oldies but goodies and am shining them up like pretty new pennies.  This takes concentration and intent, honest reflection.  It's a daily struggle to be mindful but I am doing yoga most days of the week and that is teaching me to focus on the breath and be present.  So, as you can see sir, I have it all under control.
In reality I just have a pragmatic fear of getting this entire thing wrong.

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