Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Canary in a Coal Mine

A coworker sent a viral video of a Brooklyn Hospital transporting bodies into a freezer semi-trailer truck and it was horrible.  Yes, the daily deceased need to come out of these hospitals and be transported in an efficient manner.   Regardless, it's a chilling reminder to be incredibly respectful of our bodies and time right now.   In the same night I had read that someone dies in New York every six minutes and assorted other terrifying statistics.  Long story short, along with our on-going symptoms we woke up in bad way.  I've had two official panic attacks in New York, where they take you to the hospital, in an ambulance.  It is super humiliating when you realize, oh shit, this is psychological.  Well you live, you learn.  At least the 2nd time I was able to hop out of the back, as the ambulance guys were familiar with attacks and equally understanding of my deep fear of the Brooklyn Hospital.   Now I spot them more easily .  Like the one that tried to come on early today.  Unfortunately both of us are having real shortness of breath due to what we have to believe is the virus.  It was feeling more like sharp pangs, as if a small child was resting on my chest while trying to choke me.

I have ancient Valium from a friend that I've kept for years just for this purpose.  We took one and P was nice enough to postpone his writing to sit with me and watch a Fixer Upper episode, the most un-stressful show possible.  Chip Gaines and his idiot antics was exactly what I needed.  A sense that life is stupid and normal again.  I was able to believe for a minute we weren't in something so scary.

I'm sure depending on the state you live in or your news intake, you're either not bothered at all or having similar days to mine or much worse about all of this.  But if we get a chance to look back on this time, I will say it's also filled with a lot of joy and much bigger waves of love for people then I've experienced in some time.  Love for family, for friends, for life.  People say if we get through this we'll have the biggest party celebration.  I hope for that too but even further, I hope all the proposed casualties are not lost in vain.  We've never in our lifetimes had a chance like this to collectively stop the hamster wheel in order to attempt a huge change.   I wrote about going feral, but instead maybe this is how we'll be able to deprogram, to come out of the fog we've put ourselves in.  It's a hope anyway.  You have to aim higher but I'll just be thrilled to come out alive and without loss.
Beef Enchilada with Corn Meal Mush

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