I'm a Loser, And I'm not What I Appear to Be

I have unbridled guilt that seems to seed on my days off.  Little thought sprouts that grow until I'm practically fetal position under the bed.  Pathetic!  But real and yeah, it's a thing.  I'm the worst daughter.  I am learning so late in life to show love and appreciation to my sisters and brothers the way most kids do naturally.  I basically botched up my entire list of aunt duties.  I put real effort into being a good partner but suck at it a good majority of the time.  We've already gone into my friendship skills and people have recently walked off the set, seriously.

I'm shy and I don't like social situations.  I'm not can do.  I never learned to play well with others.  I'm awkward and say stupid shit because I'm incapable of small talk.

So even though I'm not an accomplished real cook, I've found cooking to help like art might be useful to kids with autism. I can start something and finish it, occasionally share it and bad or good it lets me do something normal and feel like I'm part of society.

I have spoken of the demons coming to greet me on days off and how it's like a cat and mouse game to shun them.  I think they are not allowed in the grocery store, so I tend to go there for refuge.  Good ideas are also very useful repellent so it's best to grab onto one should it happen to pass by my brain.  I allow us pork sometimes and on this day, found some nice lean pieces to feature in a dish that would turn into a mashup of spicy peanut noodles and cashew pork.

Using unsweetened chunky peanut butter and adding the honey helped control the sugar content.

The fact that they planted a tree with a giant claw right outside my window at the crack of dawn aided in creating a distraction for me and I somehow made it through to the 4pm hour.  For some reason I give myself immunity at that point I guess figuring I gave the day my best shot.  Plus I must save time for fretting about getting fat or saggy, how I never look fresh and alert anymore or how I don't have cute clothes and never manage to wear the appropriate outerwear.