Take Me to the Pilot of Your Soul

A Trump Storm

The great thing about  past news is that you rarely care about it just a short time later.  Months ago, Trump in church was the talk of the town on this day along with a gnarly windy sleet storm here in Brooklyn.  At the time it seemed important and I recall having tons of thoughts on it.   Yet, this slow cooker chicken chili is what will be etched in my mind from that cold day. 

Black Bean Chicken Chili

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Right now because we have only one channel, the Trump news, for or against him, if there's a top story you can bet it'll be about our narcissist president.   When my mate had union workers under him, he would say to them, you'll have full autonomy until or unless I get pulled into your nonsense, whether it's your fault or not, we'll have a problem and you'll be gone.  And years ago when I was getting bad press at my job, my boss said that perception was everything, even over the truth.  L.A. bosses had the strangest methods and that bothered the heck out of me but there is something to it.  The point is that I'm so tired of hearing about this man!  At this point he just needs to go regardless of anything, just so America can get on with their lives.  Let's have a Season Ending episode and move the heck on! G! O! Trump's Gotta Go!  

Soutzoukakia

With all the horridness going on in the world right now, if we're gonna be booted off the planet soon by some major catastrophe, an asteroid, mini ice age, hurricane, wildfires or however it plays out, I don't want to be thinking about this single, psychopath in my final weeks.  It's not all his fault of course, and we can only change our own behavior.  My friendships, conversations with my mate and family have been overtaken by Trump nonsense.  I have to turn this ship around especially with the upcoming election where it will be important to follow to a point but for our physical and mental health, we probably should learn to ingest him and his constituents in way smaller portions. 

I found a cool authentic Greek site that featured this Soutzoukakia recipe.  I thought about it for days and was finally able to make it.  I should have a chiffonade of mint on top but other than that, this was so great!  Isn't it interesting how very similar ingredients can take on such a different flavor with slight tweaks to seasoning.  I use Cumin all the time in my cooking but with Cinnamon and a dash of sugar, lots of garlic - transported these meatballs to a foreign land.  I baked the balls first before coating them and finishing the cooking process in the sauce.  They suggested to serve with mash potatoes, so I took the opportunity to boil my leftover cabbage alongside and mashed together.   The sauce is delicious, like a tomato gravy. 

soutzoukakia recipe for you.

With Your Feet On the Air and Your Head On the Ground

Yesterday, as I drowned out my daily concerns by listening to David Attenborough describe the soothing daily life of penguins, I did that thing.  You know, that thing when you look at your phone news feed in the middle of the day, even though you promised yourself once in the morning and once a night is best. The headlines read something like: Breaking News! - Trump To Issue Draconian Measures for NYC.  In my mind there was an exclamation mark.  I hurriedly go to the video clip.  It's Trump outside, looking pretty casual, stating matter-of-fact-ly, he may issue a 'quarantine' for all of New York City, parts of Jersey, maybe Connecticut, maybe.  He doesn't know, maybe needed, maybe.  That he may announce it later on today. That he hopes he won't have to, but he might.   At this point, I feel we should demand an interpreter travel with this man.  What the hell is he talking about! Even in my head I sound frantic.  And why does it sound like he's threatening us?  But wait, I consider, we already are in a state-wide shelter in place mandate, many are in real quarantines....  Before I can go further he continues, They’re having problems down in Florida. A lot of New Yorkers going down... don’t want that... heavily infected.”  His exact words, as always broken up, unclear. 

I rush to put this through my Trump decoder ring.  I repeat the video, try to piece together a sentence.  And in the end, I agree, New Yorkers should not be traveling to Florida right now unless we're able to test beforehand.  That is one thing.  But a lock down, travel ban on our biggest city?! People are going to go apeshit.  Oh shit, this isn't good, I say to myself as the reality starts to sink in.

Now, some of you living in New York City or L.A. have a common paranoid scenario fire storm forming in the back of your mind these days.  Every now and then you'll throw another fear on it, usually in the form of a what if.   What if the food markets close down. They go on and on and we must minimize unnecessary creation of these little logs.  But one of my biggest what ifs, is what if they restrict us from leaving the city?  Thank goodness, that I was late in hearing the news and Trump in the next hour would clarify, as much as he is capable, on Twitter what he actually meant to say.  Or more likely, after someone told him, he can't do that.  But not before many of us caught a heart attack and started into panic mode. 

Leftover birthday beef enchilada for dinner helped to calm the nerves. Also, one of my favorites, salsa over rice.  

I Cursed the Gloom That Set Upon Us

Without sounding at all giddy, I'm dying to know how everyone is feeling right now about all these happenings.  I'd never downplay the seriousness, in fact I'm mostly trying to distract my mind away from all the fear and onto more interesting or fascinating details of this situation.  I worked on Sunday inside a giant box with no ventilation and thousands of shoppers depositing their droplets.  Personally, it felt so wrong to be there.  I really struggled with my reasoning for going in.  I am not the one to call out unnecessarily and don't like leaving people shorthanded.  Then Monday, I felt compromised again but worse as schools were cancelled and another day had brought much more information to light.  Against my better judgement, I went in.  The store closed in the middle of my shift and we all left quickly like we were trying to beat an impending snow storm.   But it wouldn't be for just a day or two, it would be the official start of living in unknown territory, not just for us but for everyone and for an indefinite period of time.

The night before I watched as de Blasio, looking like he'd seen a ghost after coming out of an all day meeting, announcing his reluctant decision to close schools.  And then the next day when Trump who wore that similar look of horror in his press conference seemed to have done an about face literally overnight.   Tonight I read this frightening article so possibly charts and graphs of this nature is what they were both digesting and why the tones were changed so abruptly.  One line reads: The Imperial College group reported that if nothing was done by governments and individuals and the pandemic remained uncontrolled, then 510,000 would die in Britain and 2.2 million in the United States over the course of the outbreak.

In the thick of his cancer my brother joked with me about having the consumption.  I remember being so taken that his sense of humor was in tact at such a critical time.  He found a way to handle his fate with such grace.

I found myself unable to pinpoint my fear while being consumed by it, so writing is helping me to lock it down.  Yes, I'm a little scared of getting sick but more of the possibility of going to Brooklyn Hospital.  I had a very medieval experience there once that I never want to repeat.  I do fear for my family and friends. That's certainly the biggest driver.  As most of us probably did, I made a mental assessment at the start of this, who's most vulnerable in my circle in order of risk and down the line.  For most it's your parents or grandparents.  For others, our mates.  It's a reality we all must tackle right now and do what we can, keep in touch, keep checking.

Mostly though I fear the unknown, things I can't control; how long will this last, will we see thousand dying each day at the worst points. How could we get through that?  What if something happens to a loved one across the miles and we can't make proper arrangements.  You know I guess the questions go so deep that the fear is endless.  Especially with a good imagination and a backlog of disaster movie images to pull from.

I've been training like an athlete in the last months, living in the moment (trying) and silencing worry and anxiety by acknowledging, but not being it.  Where I would normally be chicken little right now, I'm trying to be the calm that is needed.   

We need someone to arm people with the right information. Be concerned for the right reasons and lead us to better ways of seeing this.  The way I understand it, most of us just need to try to stay away from people by social distancing, that's our one job right now. Flatten that curve! We may get sick but most will get through it.  We can run to get provisions in the case we need to isolate ourselves in our homes due to contracting this virus, but that's not the emergency.  It's that by all of us being out in public, we are going to spread this thing like warm butter cream frosting on a summer day.

Everyone handles stress differently.  Everyone handles their bodies differently.  You'd be hard pressed to find a healthy looking person walking in certain parts of the city and boroughs right now and I'm pretty sure that spreads to the middle of the country.  I'd be curious to know how many people we have that are in the high risk category overall.  That's scary.

Some people can't eat when they're nervous but somehow my appetite soars.  I like a little cheese with my anxiety.  I made the mistake of dipping into my frozen provisions stash early.   These slow cooker pinto beans with some enchilada sauce were an incredible cradle for my beef tamal.

* There is an interview with Dr Fauci where he states 'we need to study if the virus has changed' when referring to over half of the 300-400 cases hospitalized in France that were under 65.  I never even considered it could change.  And THIS is why I'm not watching one of the plethora of virus movies this week.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Meatballs in Chimichurri Sauce with wedge baked fries

As far as inexpensive weeknight meals go, this is a winner (thanks Jo Cooks!! ).  I was thrilled to make Chimichurri again this time not as a marinade but as a sauce.  I was told by my Argentinian friend that you should never chop the herbs but rather hand tear them, which would take forever.  Instead I scissor cut them which felt less invasive than my first idea, to use a food processor.  There is an art to getting that Cinderella effect balance of garlic, vinegar and herbs as well as shallot, red pepper.  You'll know when it's right but keep working until it's magic, I promise it's worth it.

When you zero in, you can see my sloppy handiwork on these shallots but take your time to chop with consistency because this is a pretty and delicate, as Jo says, herbalicious sauce.

I'm writing this in late March, well into the Pandemic.  I haven't been able to watch the nightly Coronavirus updates from Trump, or even read quote captions.  I've been able to keep fairly positive and upbeat throughout this.  I've never once thought I needed or wanted to be lead per say.  In my adult life, I've never felt the desire to have a president chime in and ease my mind.  Tonight in a very low moment I just couldn't help but wish that Obama could take the mic, just for a few weeks, until we get over that hump we're trying to flatten.  Give us some of that soothing I'm-gonna-make-it-all-better voice.  Tell us in long grammatically correct sentences how we're going to get through this.  Wouldn't that be cool? 

Chimichurri Sauce - if you haven't, you just gotta

A great home cooks recipe for this

If It Keeps on Rainin' Levees Going To Break

Some days wrap into perfect little thoughts and stories.  Other times they're kind of random and insignificant.  Stormy Daniels was to appear on her first television interview and I'm a little embarrassed to say I was fairly curious to hear what she had to say.  Not because I'd be shocked to hear Trump had an affair or that I even feel it's relevant, other than the whole money part.  I guess there was something about this particular woman's story that was appealing.  She certainly wasn't going to come on as a victim.  She was a seasoned professional, so I sort of got it that she was more pissed about being bullied into submission. She was looking for vindication. Or money.  I guess that was my question.  What was her angle?

The spot aired and we watched.  It didn't change the world.  It was what it was.  I felt like by the end I realized that it may be best to just keep all of this nonsense out of my daily diet.  What do I really care anyway, really. This is none of my business.  And if it comes out that Trump ordered her followed and threatened, then someone will go down but most likely not him.  If he's capable of that sort of nonsense, he's going to screw up and someone is going to nail him, eventually.  With something even more impressive.  Or not.  People get away with crimes all the time.  He won't be the first.  If he's innocent and its only the lawyer operating on his own, then what's new?  High powered lawyers do horrible things every day.  It is what it is.

My 94 year old dad trying Pho, second time this month.  That's a good day. 

And so was dinner.  Baked orange glazed chicken thighs with white beans and spinach.

It certainly wasn't going to change the world but I was happy to have it.  And it was good but nothing I would look forward to having again.

Breakfast was soft poached eggs over spinach and potatoes.  And bacon.  A good day, nothing special and right now that's fine with me.  I'm not anxious for the day when all this shit hits the fan.  Regardless of what I think of him, a lot of people believe this one man wants to make good change for us.  People that I care about and love.  People I don't want to see hurt.  This is what it is though, no doubt about that.

No Wise Man Has the Power To Reason Away

Beyond Meat Asian Lettuce Wraps 

Ingredients:
Beyond meat pack
1 bunch of green onions snipped
Cilantro
I can Bamboo Shoots
1/4 cup Roasted Peanuts
Ginger
Garlic
Serrano pepper
Chile Oil
Sesame Oil

Soy Sauce
Batch of Lettuce leaves rinsed and separated

Some talented writer really needs to do a piece on the effects Donald Trump is having on our psyches.  I hate to admit it but I'm having some very personal and harsh reactions.  I found myself home sick this week with a bad cold for a couple of days.  Unable to find movies, I ended up reading endless articles, and tweets.  Even worse than those, the comment sections on his twisted thoughts.  My head felt like it would surely explode with anxiety.  A prism of conflicts shooting in every direction in my mind. And mind you all the while knowing, full and well this is completely against what my focus should be right now, if I am indeed trying to understand what's happening in the world.  There are very tangible horrible realities taking place at this very moment.  A threat of WW3 with North Korea, hurricanes, earthquakes, flooding, entire cities without power or clean running water, healthcare.  My God I can't understand how one asshole could draw us all away from our own priorities so easily.  The man who was chosen to lead us is doing everything in his power to separate the masses and is manipulating and feeding our weakest and least educated group a full diet of their own fears and ignorance.  He doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.  He is a narcissist to the 'nth degree.  But I have never witnessed such outright self serving behavior and I will say by definition, evil in my lifetime.  At first I believed him to be just another con job from New York.  Not particularly smart but certainly shiesty enough to weasel his way through the systems and come out with more money.  Get around all the rules.  Someone who takes things for free and feels winning is in the getting.  Like a rich Mr. Haney from Green Acres or our entire capitalistic system.  This isn't particularly interesting or new. But then upon listening further I thought, oh gosh he's a complete idiot. That brought on further anxiety as the global game has stepped up several notches and our brightest deepest thinker is what is needed right now if we can be greater.  Rational, level-headed, intelligent, worldly.  Good gosh I thought, he could be much more dangerous than I had initially feared.  This is not the devil we know.  Now more months in and several atrocities later to good judgement I fear he really does have a true agenda and it has nothing to do with us, ANY of 'we the people'.  And THAT recognition has me drowning in flight or fright mode.

I worry this is having a big effect on the day to day life here in society. People are getting so mean. Words are powerful. It's as if hate has been given a new breath of life and intensity.  And at the same time, if you're a thinking person you can't help but envision this new future of natural disasters on our doorstep and what that will look like in a world so divided.

I divided up my meatless mixture onto these big lettuce leaves and added a little chile oil before serving. One thing I learned is that if the meal is really light, adding heat makes you slow down and that prevents you from inhale your dinner so fast that you're hungry before you finish.   The crunch of the salted roasted peanuts with the green onions is a highlight.  

Don't Let it Bring You Down, It's Only Castle's Burning

 Chicken Enchilada Soup.  At first sight of this recipe on a Delish.com grouping of Fall soups, I crinkled my forehead.  Enchilada soup?  No.  But you know what?... Delicious! Use your own homemade enchilada sauce and the flavors go way deep.

http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/cheesy-chicken-enchilada-soup-recipe/  Instead of adding 8 whole ounces of cheese to the pot, I just put a small handful in the bowl upon serving.  Much better.  We don't need to start eating cheese soups at this stage of the game, you know what I'm sayin'?  In place I added a huge pile of fresh cold iceberg lettuce, avocado, green onions and tomatoes.
I'm also trying not to put lots of cheese into my brain.  But you have to live in the world.  That's part of being human.  I'm knee deep in Donald Trump-isms this week.  I have such a hard time believing thinking people could consider him anything but an evil raving lunatic.  Yet, some folks I like and admire will vote for him come November.  You watch videos of his supporters being interviewed and they sound like irrational, uneducated, hatemongers.  And come on, are these people really the correct representation of his group?  Because that's a lot of people.  I know that is not what lives solely in between our coasts.  I really try to understand but I'm sorry I simply can't get past what comes out of his mouth almost every time he opens it.  I don't want to believe that smart, loving folks could see that debate and with a straight face say, 'yes, this is the man I want to lead this country'.  The man who is basically saying, I've screwed my own country by using it's own laws against the little people all my life and now I want to run it.  This country, the one that we all see as looking a little unhinged and volcanic right now. That leaves us vulnerable and weak.  So an admittedly shiesty New York millionaire is truly what you're hankering for Midwest?

Honestly it's weighed heavy on my mind, not how half the country could perceive reality so drastically different but how angry we all are becoming.  Truth be told, I actually wanted a strong Republican candidate to come around this time.  It's like when you win a lot and you sort of give your opponent a freebie.  Democrats had a long run, accomplished a lot.  I wanted this for a large group of the population that feel they have not had a voice. But not like this.  Not him.  And unfortunately now I see what it means that a strong leader can unite because a very weak man is dividing up our country in the worst way.

I don't relish in negative articles that support my own views.  I don't feel superior to this mess.  I am absolutely terrified right now of things I read and see.  This is a reflection on all of us. We've all failed when a large portion of the country feels this way.  I don't fear differences but I do fear violence, hatred and its power to build quickly.   I thank my lucky stars for music and good vibes that transports me from all of this virtual insanity.   I think its important to refuel, breathe and take in as much positive thought as possible.  Less cheese.  More truth.

The Day Obama Socked it to the Harper Valley PTA

This sweet little dish was made back in July but I'm writing this in October, just 23 days from the November Election.  Something serious has just gone down in Yemen but it will take days before I understand it. Instead on my day off I feel the need to bleed out my thoughts on Trumps bus leak transcripts and finally put this thing to rest (in my head). You never know what you're going to spend time thinking about and it's hard to truly understand why a particular action or event might bother you as opposed to another.

Initially when I listened to the audio from the bus footage I was totally disgusted but it came as no surprise to me that Donald Trump from what we now know about him, spoke like this.  The beginning was repulsive but then he went that much further than say the drunkest biggest asshole at the bar in describing and being specific about actions.  And this was key in the words and his past words actually, suddenly becoming so much more powerful. It didn't change anything politically for me except to increase my deep dread of living in a post winning Trump world.  In the back of my mind I was kind of excited to at least see the few people I know that have held onto him as a candidate finally concede enough is enough.  It wasn't until more thinking people brought up that he was describing actual sexual assault did I really understand how big this was for our country in a weird way.   A very high profile man had just done the unthinkable and it was caught on tape for all to replay lest he try to deny it.  Joy, Joy!

And then, I read just a few too many defenders.  'These are just words'.   'Tell me you haven't said things like this before or worse'.  (* btw side note: my husband and I pride ourselves on out-cruding each other on a regular basis but our grossest humor never crosses into that hateful, dark world of wrongness that Trump so eloquently laid down on Bush). Someone's meme read:  'People are afraid of words but will let a man in the same bathroom with their daughter'. I felt all sick for a day.  Wow, was I over reacting?  I stopped reading all the backlash and thought it was time to go onto more important issues. Then Trump defended himself.  And to this day he digs even deeper into this huge ugly hole by claiming 'those women' who are accusing him are 'not attractive' and would never be his first choice....for assault mind you.  This is his response to sexual allegations!!!??  People that I know and love are okay with this???  Talk about alternate universes.  What is happening right now?









First of all, I woke up and realized. I know this man very well.  I am unfortunately super aware of this mindset.  But this isn't about me or me having to deal with past abuse.  This was about acknowledging just how many men and women know this man and continue to allow him to carry on decade after decade, every reincarnation of this asshole that lurks and we generally don't try to stop them because it's uncomfortable. We are all Billy Bush in some respects.  How many women had to deal with a Trump in their life intimately?  How many guys did you suspect thought this way but couldn't even bring yourself to believe it.  How many times because of exactly the reaction of a huge portion of the country have so many of us women just gritted our teeth and shoved various forms of sexual assault under the rug because we didn't want to bum anyone out?  And for me personally it's even more sad and disturbing for women to ignore or play down the power of those words especially in 2016.

But then this week, Michelle Obama gave a speech and I don't know if I took one breathe for the first five minutes. I felt her words so strongly one because she was serving them up them with a conviction I had not seen before.  But two because she was fucking reading my mail all week!  I couldn't stop thinking about this. I was feeling this personally, this is not acceptable!  Her words were screaming in my head all week dying to come out.  The whole of America was hearing this speech from the most powerful woman I can think of at the moment.  She was not only calling major bullshit, she was sorting and organizing my week of disparaging thoughts.  The foundation, the history, the deep contrast of the world right now..beautiful progressive movements celebrating women and this crazy train thinking that too much of the country is supporting.  It's not a regular election.  This is not normal!  This is right versus wrong.  No woman deserves to be treated this way and let's be honest, a non reaction is a slap in the face to all women. These human decency rules apply for either candidate, man or woman.  But like she said, this wasn't necessarily about politics at that moment.  And even if she wasn't the president she was our First Lady, the mom-in-chief doing what needed to be done at that very moment as a voice for all thinking women and men.  She finally said the words I wanted to hear,  Enough is Enough!  And then she said 'This has got to stop, right now!' like in the most epic mom voice ever and for all of America to hear.  Talk about the power of words!

Cauliflower Steak Pizzas with mushrooms, onions and turkey sausage.