Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Turtles All the Way Down

Went on a quick trip for multiple reasons.  To get out of my head, ritualize my ridding of a pile of guilt, change the scenery of my mourning and to seek answers in a more appropriate setting.  My mom would have been 95 yesterday, we just passed Mother's Day on Sunday and today I have been 10 years at a job I refer to as the prison.  A slew of sadness to commemorate.
This was one of those trips where from the get go, there were signs it was going to be unconventional. First of all it was to rain the entire day.  A super storm hit the area the night before with giant hail, downed trees and power outages.  There was even tornado sightings.  The locals told their tales to where we understood it was a doozy, the likes they had not seen in recent years.
The plan was to take a hike, reach the peak, do the formalities, then later lighten the mood by going to the drive-in and eat some fun food along the way.
We hiked the swamp trail in the rain and climbed up to the head of High Point National Park where there stood a monument, or so we were told.  We barely found it in the thick fog and standing at it's rail, we could only see more fog.  But we were alone and that's something you can't get in New York, so it became the perfect weather.  I stopped at the lake and privately made my proclamations to my mom and God about various things.  While I was talking and trying to make an impromptu ceremony I see all these fairly large turtle heads popping up out of the water and looking over at me as if they were curious to see who was making all this racket in their quiet serene little world.  It became hard to concentrate and even felt like a flood of lightness filled my heart.  I wanted to do this, take the time, make it a real thing.  But the turtles seemed to negate my sense of purpose. You hold on to people when you don't get a proper finish.  When I could finally really talk to my mom she was emotionally unavailable due to her condition.  And I always thought when she was finally at rest, we'd chat all the time.  But its not the way it has played out so far. I don't have access to her spirit.
At the edge of the water I almost felt a riddle was presented by nature herself.  From what I can manage to put into words is that I can stop looking for mom because she is particular.   There was no longer a her that I could ever comprehend again yet was now available to me always and everywhere.  This is one of those concepts that you can grasp tiny particles of and usually only with the help of chemicals before it flies off into space.  People say things, write poems, songs, get close to it.  But way down deep in our chemistry there is a built-in recognition of all these divine laws.  Our brain can't contain them but our beings respond with resounding hell yeahs.

Wall of Trump

Cobble stone streets in the Village
Palm trees in Manhattan???

Rained out Warwick Drive-In

 Irish Nachos. First a ridiculous notion, then a slice of heaven. Homemade potato chips with chili, onions, pickled 'penos and smothered in cheese.  The chips stayed very crisp as they packed them upside down.  Genius!
Wayback Burgers - pics don't do them justice

High Point Monument.  In a way, the best view of endless fog and sweet solitude.

McDonald's Breakfast with staring children.  Beat it!

The Bronx

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