Monday, September 14, 2015

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, How Can a Loser Ever Win?

In the last year I've been learning yoga and pilates the same bad way some people get degrees, from the internet.  I do not like the experience of being in a class but I do love the whole concept behind the discipline and have taken a huge liking to some of the moves and flexibility.  Concentrating on your breathing always felt like such a great idea, but I was never in a place where I would stop and do that.  Now I feel that if I don't do it,  I'm writing myself a prescription for misery.  I'm ridding my world of unnecessary media and chaos, negative social distortion.  Filling my time with more music, food, art and the present. Forever I've been trying to settle my ass down as far as anxiety and stress levels. My mind races at night so I began listening to meditation, trance and sometimes lately, a yogi give thoughts on various subjects.  It helps. It helps me to sleep anyway.  I'm always leery of people that claim to have bigger answers. I wonder if some of us are a higher percentage wild animal than others because I really feel my feral kicking in as of late.  As a society I think nervousness is a symptom of a larger problem and I see it in many women and also more and more men.  An uneasiness. We're on edge!  People can't relax and breathe, like you used to see old people do. Just sit and be.  It's the animal in us, sensing the build up of chaotic static.
And I don't want to just sit for long periods of time really. I'm not aiming for that.  I want to do more, but not be so freaked out while doing it.  We need to break down that next wall that seems to be stopping us from transforming in beneficial ways to ourselves and our environment.  From the time my mom was a little girl until now, we seem to have made huge advancements in just about everything, except us. In some ways perhaps but it's arguable.  When do we get that third eye or something that can really help us get to that next step? Here I am trying to build up muscle and strength in order to combat life breaking my heart.  In other words, I'm grasping at straws.  No clue.  I only know it can't hurt so why not try anything positive.  And that seems silly only until I confess my past method of defense which was breaking down and destroying my own body and mind.
Cooking wise, I'm coming along in baby steps too. I'll have growth spurts but have so far to go to be considered a good 'cook'.  So many styles of food I've never even attempted.  Certain classic dishes I have no experience making.  The list goes on.  I cook a lot.  If I was gifted, it would have shown itself by now. Crickets.  So I accept I will just strive to get better. That's how you learn to play music.  You just keep doing it.  That's about all the fuck I know in it's entirety.

I made a gorgeous pork stew that impressed my inner critic.
I really don't know how to save myself from the beating this life is giving my heart.  As my brother who is battling cancer, a true inspiration and has real problems says, getting older is definitely not for sissies.

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