Saturday, September 19, 2015

No One Mystifies Me Like You Do

I used to think I'd be interesting forever because... I don't know why actually, just assumed it would be so.  Never had a reason to believe I'd remain anything other than fascinating to myself at least.  However, all the sudden, I'm not so taken.  All the sudden I feel like one of those old ladies they nominate for makeovers on daytime tv shows.  All the sudden I feel very unimpressive in many areas.  Like a lot of women, I see room for improvement.  I try to look at myself. Taking down each little trait like the Christmas ornaments off the tree and examining them.  Looking at all my attributes after years of just shoving them all in the back of my closet like shoes.  I have some great qualities that when polished up and cleaned are more impressive than I thought actually.  But some of what I imagined were my highlights turned out to be non existent or illusions. Like trying to pick up snowflakes.  Huh.  Seems like a really bad idea to consider yourself so much.  Too bad I can't seem to stop.  
Cooking is one of the most honest things I know how to do.  It's one of the ways I know to really live in the moment.  You make quick decisions in the kitchen. It's fast paced, which I like. It's self pleasing.  You need to start with a plan or occasionally just spontaneously begin.  You become forgiving and supportive of yourself.  You learn patience and to use your sense of humor.  Music plays a role and can inspire.  You lose yourself in it and I love when I'm not examining, I'm just doing.  I make everything a damn study.  And when I cook, that goes away.
It's theraputic alone time, diddling with yourself and getting your own needs met.  Concentrating on one task allows a focus that is uncommon in our daily lives anymore.
I had this great idea to make a cabbage roll casserole.  I blanched the cabbage leaves and made a huge cabbage bed. Then stuffed it with ground turkey, tomatoes, garlic, onions, shredded cabbage and herbs before wrapping it all up like a present with a parmesan cheese bow on top.   Baked at 350 for 40 minutes and it was pretty special.

I haven't figured yet if distractions are your actual life or something you do to avoid your real life.  If it's the latter, I think I'm screwed because I've managed to fill my days with a myriad of pastimes.  Just like this dog that fixated on this squirrel.  I use cooking to divert my attention away from forming any definite conclusions about myself.

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