Monday, June 10, 2013

Maybe I'm Amazed at the Way You're With Me All the Time

I spent the whole morning watching video footage around Michael Jackson.  Either of him or of Lisa Marie, Janet, Debbie Rowe, the Oprah Interviews, etc.  We are coming up soon on the anniversary of his death.
Let me share, that I love to talk about Michael Jackson.  Honestly, I could talk all day about him. I certainly am not obsessed by any stretch.   But I grew up with the Jackson Five's music and I do believe he was an incredible talent, maybe one of the most talented all around that we'll see in his genre.  I know that as fact but I didn't grow up thinking much else about him on a regular basis.  Who couldn't notice if you were of a particular age though?  Motown, The Jacksons. That's required music. His first solo efforts were up there with the moon landing. Not to be ignored. I was a rocker girl but coming from the Midwest, you had to have and understand your rhythm and blues roots first and foremost
The whole nation saw his entire child into adulthood and beyond.  He truly was the King of Pop.  Sad that it had to be almost a self made title.   And I actually think he was one of the most bizarre of all that we call celebrity. Not to say that his oddities were something to admire.  But you can't say he was just some kid. No, you barely think of him as our own species.  I respect his artistry a great deal, his musicianship. His dancing abilities were phenomenal to anyone's standards.  His understanding of the rhythm and the beats of a song and it's flow, the tiny pauses in between, the movement.  It was his God given talent.
As a human being on the planet, I seen him as a walking social experiment.  Someone to monitor and study.  As a country, we almost created him.  In some ways that's true.  He's a rare bird, or a visiting alien.  A one of a kind. Like Bob Dylan or Elvis Presley, we won't get another one of him.  And now he's gone, tragically.  It is sad also to have his death shrouded in mysteries and questions.  He left these beautiful nutty regular looking kids that we're all sorta looking at, me not being able to wait until they get old enough to start really sharing stories. That little Blanket looks like he has some things to say doesn't he?  He's been paying attention with those big eyes you can bet on that!
On the other hand, I almost don't want to know anything more that's any stranger than what we already do or suspect.  I have several theories on the subject of his changing persona's.  Who's the real Michael Jackson per say. One being that when you're abused as a small child you gain access to abilities to split in ways that I don't think we understand fully yet.  But its one of the most fascinating things to me, what the mind can do. I don't think you have to go full on 'Sybil' in order to save yourself from going off the edge say in an instant when you're kid-self can't truly grasp or handle the situation you're in.  Mental 'flight' takes over since when confronted with adults, you can't fight' and maybe you can't even physically leave. Thank God we're given tools to leave mentally.  I think Michael did that many times as a child.
But I don't think this tool comes without a bit of a price.  In fact I see it as an almost hacking of our computer brains.  You might upset some hardware up there permanently, get some pop ups that never go away.  Whereas that split forms its own little self.  Not completely independent but enough so that it will grow its own likes and dislikes, it's own personality so to speak.
But the perks are that it's yours to sort of pull out at will when necessary if you're savvy enough to use it and understand the ability.  You can't handle social situations? Well, concentrate and maybe with a little cooperation, your stronger, more gregarious side will come out and help. 
My belief is that we all have this ability to call on parts of ourselves in everyday situations. We're multidimensional. And we all use these to a point. But maybe its only when true trauma happens that the split becomes more of a permanent tear off.
But in cases where it's not about life or death, perhaps that slice doesn't dis-attach completely but dangles there on a string. Connected, but separated.  It won't go hauling off and becoming a hooker, calling itself Blanche or something out of a TV Movie of the Week, but instead, it lies dormant until another tragedy happens or you summon it to aide you in distress.
But another belief I have is that these 'splits' even though not totally independent can also get a little tired of waiting around like the Maytag repairman after awhile and can start coming alive and just sort of raising havoc.  Or trying to get a bigger role in the core's life, get more screen time and therefore gain strength, say like a vampire. They might need an opening, so I think it happens when one is weak or tired, sad or sick.
Where does the split gets its energy from?  Maybe if even only a portion of the 'soul' is left unattended for too long, either the devil or other entities can take the wheel.  Hey it could be like an open portal situation. Maybe there is a way in for 'others'.
Or, maybe it actually is just those disjointed parts of one's own self coming out and living through that opening for a short time.  It just could be that they want to help but are misguided because they were born out of fear and their soul purpose was to protect the core.  So their intentions are off, they don't trust anyone and are very suspicious of others intentions.
I do a little meditation and clearing of my mind exorcise everyday that I was taught years ago.  In the moment that I am very open, flushed of all clutter, it really feels like I could just hand over the controls to anyone if there was a way of doing that.  I can see how this is possible.
Anyway, so stay with me here.  I should admit, I write this all without any formal education on the subject and only personal experience to draw from but I also have always felt a very strong connection to this subject and have read several books on it. Okay, maybe only one but I read it all the way through! 
When the 'core' self loses pieces, not unlike losing a limb, then regular life becomes more difficult to maintain.  And you end up needing to call upon these splits, more often. The 'repair' is integration and like brain surgery, it might not be successful anyway but that's the so called cure.  Something Michael probably could have used some education in as part of a healing process if there were people around him that cared to make him better.  Well so if that doesn't happen though, the body and mind computer seems to be incapable of dancing like this for any length of time without misteps.  Therefore quirks start happening, like overheating or shutting down, confusion, depression, distorting of reality, bad behavior and importantly too, physical sickness. The body shuts down.
Humans are meant to have one mind on earth.  Maybe it's different the next place we get to go but here, we're wired more simply. 
He had to have a savvy business side when even though he wanted to play, he was forced to get serious and 'work' so he learned to rally that side when needed.  But truthfully I think he was also born with a deeper familiarity of life in general, like what we call a very old soul.  Not book smart mind you. And I believe these people are more prone to these complexities I speak of.  Jermaine didn't have this, Marlon maybe didn't have it.  Michael was a brighter light even as a very small child. You can see it in his eyes.
My main internal confusion lies in the question:  Was his 'core' personality was the shy, childlike Michael that was a beautiful sad lonely little boy that still believed in the pure good in the world?  Or was it the tween Michael that held all the pain and suffering, the new hormones and the anguish?  The little Michael that saw that his talents had the ability to light up the adults faces in a spectacular way, a magical way.  He held a power that he himself controlled when probably that was about the only thing under his control much of the time.   But close second was perhaps the boy that saw too much, an overload of the world given his Midwestern background and education.  Was he given time to even be naive or innocent ever?  He saw bad in people that maybe he wished he didn't from the gate.  He'd seen enough way to early to know everything was not right.  He had more time to understand his 'power' and the art of manipulation.
And then you have that mother, that was well intentioned and perhaps a victim of her generation?  I don't want to speak out of turn but I'm sure as he did have her love, even though she didn't/ couldn't protect him, he held on to that until maybe as a teen he saw she was just another victim herself, another sad soul.  
Who could he trust?  No one.
It sounds like he only knew of God as was explained to a small child, a magic fairy, not a God of Love and understanding of the real adult world.

Yes, I'm tellin' ya I'm serious, I could talk ALL day about Michael Jackson.  The funny thing is that I went to see Paul McCartney last night at the new Barclay's Center with my pal and had a wonderful time and I should be writing about that!

Beforehand we ate at Pequena in Fort Greene.  Food was great but I can't help but sneering at the takeover of the stroller crowd there and probably can't endure it again.  I know I'm being a creep but the site of strollers makes me 'wanna scream' as Michael once sang.


  1. "You are not alone" with your impatience with the strollers!" Great post, I still think of Michael and the day that picture was taken. I miss his talent and his efforts for humanity.

  2. thanks! thanks for reading my long rant. I do have a real thought but I'd have to write a whole book I think. But mostly I'm just sad he's gone. yeah, that was a spectacular day wasn't it!?


Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?