Monday, October 1, 2018

Burning Up Her Fuse Up Here Alone

For lunch I made simple black bean Tostadas.  The night before we indulged in a steak nacho bar for two with a fresh batch of homemade hot sauce, so I was jamming them suckers down as if there was no tomorrow.  For me, there is a sort of party like it's 1999 feeling about the world right now.  But it's coupled with a fear that if humanity is NOT going to end suddenly in a huge fireball or flood , then I bess' be activating this cool being I think I am inside.  Times a'wastin'!
I have been here many times before. This feeling that someone else was just recently in charge and I find myself suddenly in the driver's seat. As if I shed an old shell like those crabs that find new housing every few years.  A part of my mind was dormant and suddenly awoke to someone else's messy room or in this case, boring plaid drapes and beige tones.  To be fair I do dive deep into subjects that make me no money or elevate my conditions, like this blog and taking pictures for hours that no one sees or pouring over food ideas just to share them with no one.  But the alarm clock for waking is on it's 2nd snooze.  I am suddenly a little ashamed of my non eventfulness.  It's no secret I suffer from depression but I'm hoping its not like a progressive disease that takes over other functions of my body and spirit.  What if it grows to make me incapable of energizing thought. And I become imprisoned in my current self unable to slap on a new one but also unable to revive the old. 
I do believe what we put in our bodies definitely affects mood, thought and energy levels. For me anyway, It's not enough to cut out alcohol and drugs but you can't eat a bunch of junk and sugar and expect to think clearly.  Doesn't mean I don't fail miserably each week. These baked shell black bean tostadas with a layer of guacamole helped me to keep a good thought.  And the freshly blended hot sauce and chips was a reminder that joy comes in so many packages.  In the case that any of my many conspiracy theories are true, we must gobble up any and all delights along our path.  Our job is to fuel the next moments in the hopes of something better around the corner.

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