When Will I Be Loved

One year ago to this day I joined Facebook as part of an experiment for change.  I'm not a social person anymore and figured that learning how to connect with people is something I could really benefit from.  Online life seems much easier.  You have the ability to share only when you want, say things in memes and pictures, dole out stuff that might seem weird in the real world, yet perfectly acceptable on the computer.  It has mainly been a positive experience.  I've actually melded very strongly with a few people and that is a few more than I had before.  My media feed is now self driven so I'm able to choose what goes into the 'ole noggin.  Even though its tough to filter all incoming flow and distractions are abundant.

But somehow having reached the end of the one year trial, I keep eyeing the door.  Should I leave now?  Is it time to go? Does this give me enjoyment and add to my days? Does it promote creativity and thought? Or does it rob me of time and leave me with new reasons to feel shitty about myself?  Believe me, I know no one cares one way or the other.  But that is also something for me to consider.  is this providing a very false sense of relevance?  Is this experience even real at all?

If nothing else, it's a diary of your life for yourself.  I love documenting, time stamps, proof that I exist.  It's something that I've always questioned or had a hard time truly believing.  I don't leave a deep footprint anywhere I go.  Lightly treading, low impact, I'm like a regular Nike running shoe ovah heeuh.  Plus I have a terrible memory.

I understand and accept there is only a small handful of people that care if I ever wake up again.  And that's probably true for most people. But I also look at it more positively.  There is actually now a handful of people that care if I wake up in the morning! Exclamation mark!  And one cat! Why do we feel such a need to become more important?  More cherished, more popular or notable, more loved?  More quoted or precious? Is it our desire to find God? Prove life has meaning? To measure our value? To justify the space we take up or the amount of garbage we accumulate?  

I've accumulated a few boxes of different grain sized corn meal so I made a nice smooth creamy polenta with sauteed cabbage and chicken sausage over top.  I feel like I've earned my place at my own dinner table today.