Saturday, June 20, 2015

Everybody's Got a Thing, But Some Don't Know How to Handle It

I don't think it's helpful to self loathe but sometimes I'm a miserable piece of shite.  I'm very happy and the next minute I'm wallowing in regrets and should haves.  So much anger at myself for turning out to be this half baked lopsided cake.  Making lists of proof I have flopped miserably. A failed masochist, where even my pain falls short of bringing me any real pleasure.
I raised three cats and that's not even true.  P did all the heavy lifting and loving, giving, nurturing, playing, petting, giving a shit.  Oh and the feeding and watering.  I clean the litterbox.
I want to be a good person that does productive supportive affirming things.  I meditate on it.  Everyday I fail at work because my patience breaks like those super thin garbage bags.  I'm over it.  I'm so over all of it. I sneer a lot and sigh loudly while people are talking to me.  It takes me 30 seconds to decide which pile of irritating fool I will put you in.  This is all at work mind you.  At home I find zen, usually.  Fellow retail prisoners can feel me on this one.  Dealing with the public each day UNLESS you're selling them music or candy, is very difficult.  It's taxing.  It leaves you so wary.  It drains your resources.  It makes you question every choice you made to get you to this one spot.
And then magically you get a day off and it's as if Technicolor comes into the world.  I feel energized, I make jokes and good ones!
I create and appreciate.  We find tacos and eat them while laughing and talking.  I see art in the streets and all around.  Nothing feels too important and yet so perfectly right.  I get to thinking maybe it's not all me. Maybe I'm not such a detriment to society.  Contributions are made in tiny gestures too.  Sure, I have a lousy job right now but its helping me pour money into a 401k and so I'm sucking it up.  I made a Greek burger over lettuce, onions and nicoise olives, lemon and oregano with grilled red onion, tomato and Feta.  I made homecut sweet potato fries with Sriracha and yogurt dip.  It was so good.  I still believe I'm a loser but I can see what life sees in me sometimes.

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