Friday, August 3, 2012

And I Try, And I Try, And I Try - I Can't Get No....

Lately, I feel a constant yearning for some kind of relief or release that I can't seem to squelch. Its a mixture of feeling excited like the anticipation of a grande event but the next feeling is that the big event is going to be horrifyingly atrocious. That sort of psychotic uneasiness that you might see on the faces of crazy people. And its also similar to being born if I remember correctly. Instead of a beautiful experience, I seem to recall a very uncomfortable, awkward entrance into this world. I didn't want to come out. I wasn't ready. I liked being in the warm safe isolated womb, floating around in the quiet. I was born breach. I know that because my mom always reminded me I almost killed her. The cord was wrapped around my neck too. Everything hurt back then and there was always interruptions in your 'getting' comfortable, like abrupt diaper changes, coldness, dampness, hunger, thirst, sudden awakenings. I was reluctant to be born then and I'm not quite sure I was wrong just yet. It just goes on and on this discontent. When I'm not biting my nails, and dreaming up just what that an atrocious event might look like, most nights I settle on just trying to be comfortable in my body and hoping the mind will follow suit. I drink tons of herbal tea, meditate, pray, pet my cats. And by the way none of it is working.

I try getting my food to console me although I know that doesn't work either. Chicken Noodle Soup. Something homemade, warm and comforting. Complete with real chicken stock, carrots, celery, bay leaves, poached chicken and wide noodles. It did help for a moment. Rich broth always calms, aides and bolsters the system if only a temporary fix.

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