Saturday, January 14, 2012

Can't You Hear Me Knocking?

A fun lunch for a bad occasion. Our good friend was being sent to prison. Not a good day. We needed to say goodbye or good luck or something although all the words seemed wrong. Do you ever wonder if you make any difference at all in any person's life? Your words or your concern, your gestures, your intent. People say beautiful things to me occasionally but within a few hours I usually forget they ever said them. I usually think they are just trying to be nice anyway but I know what the real truth is.
When P overshoots and tells me something too nice, I immediately wonder why he felt he needed to go overboard. Am I that big of a mess? Why would he patronize me?

I try to be sincere when offering advice or encouragement. I don't have any answers I know that but you got to come up with something at times like these. Like the freak that I am I had brought with me to the restaurant little cut out picture figures of all of us so T could put them up on his wall and think of happier times. A pic of P's from the back carrying a 12pk of beer home on a cold winter day. A pic of me trying to look badass with my bike gear on crossing a bridge and so on. But I lost the nerve to give them to him. After hearing all of his new reality, it felt like a mockery. So there they were looking up at me from the bottom of my purse as if to say good job asshole.

Even the food which was amazing by the way, fell a little flat. Beef brisket and pulled pork sandwiches from the Smoke Joint. Sides of mac and cheese which I think was their best ever, baked beans, corn bread, coleslaw and BedStuy potato salad. These are winning dishes. We ate and talked, but I don't remember the food at all this day.

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Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?