I Built This Garden For Us

As I sit watching documentaries and listening to albums, my sister was out tilling, shoveling, pulling weeds and preparing her garden boxes out in Colorado where they could really use a good dousing of rain, something we've had plenty of and more to come this weekend.  I envied her stamina remembering how much energy it took just to cover them with tarp at night during my visit last October.

I'm helping!

Not only did she have to till the soil, she had to dig up all the weeds around the area and spread rock as well as carry nearby boulders to separate the boxes and hopefully she'll have less invaders this year.  

This was last year. The deer made short work of those fences. 

I'm calling this day, not horrible.  I wasn't able to walk because of chest pain but it was super windy so it was nice to just leave the windows open and let the giant breeze flow through the apartment like a tree house.  P walked around the block and came back winded, a good reminder not to overdo it right now. Acceptance without complacency.  Everything is starting to feel unreal and more like a dream anyway.  I made quinoa and corn on the cob, hamburger and beans to make chili bowls using the leftover condiments.

Sometimes you have to hang on to good, even if it's not your own.  My sis's garden work became a lifeline of sorts to my own energy and strength, not to sound dramatic.  You begin to distrust your body, which is abnormal. If anything we take it for granted.  Imagine for a second if you couldn't get up and walk for 20 minutes without feeling like you're having a stroke, and it's been 6-7 weeks of this on and off.  It gets to you and not in a good way.  So many people in New York weren't so lucky though so we're super grateful to progress to health and in no way want to complain constantly like I probably have been doing.   We made a pact today to stop mentioning it entirely unless there is an emergency in case this demon virus can be conjured.

Well They'll Stone You and Say That It's the End

Had another virtual appointment with doc today.  Unfortunately once you mention you're having a hard time with chest pains, they need to see you in person so we headed out for a real visit.  They have what I call a Leper entrance,  someone comes to get you from outside, they lead you down a stairway into one room in the basement that they call the Clean Room.  There I had more blood tests, the antibody test, and EKG and my vitals were good.  I was able to get P seen as well, and also get bloodwork.  The doctor told me that more and more of his patients like us are coming back, now he's seeing more people 6 - 8 weeks out still dealing with symptoms.  So his advise was that it is just going to last as long as it lasts and that's what it is.

I have a real hard time with doctors.  I love ours in many ways, so this issue is coming from me. My brain fogs up even though I write questions down, I'm too freaked out to ask much of anything when in the examining room.  I just go numb.  In the end, after all the tests it doesn't matter what you say, this is what it is I guess. I tried to listen very carefully to what he's telling me, which isn't much.  It isn't until after he's gone I realize I still have so many unanswered questions, again. 

It was cold and rainy this day, the appointment was postponed until later in the afternoon initially and so it basically took a whole day to get through all of this.  P was completely spent, tired and never asks questions, so he almost worked against me.  He always tells doctors he's just fine.  This is another male thing I believe but when the doctor is male too, it makes me wonder how this affects our statistics overall.  P is getting better but I really wanted him to disclose all his bizarre symptoms and behaviors of the past week. Not being able to feel his legs and hands for whole days at a time and his knees going whopperjawed when he walked!   That he too has a dull ache in his chest that comes while walking and that he doesn't make it past a couple of blocks yet. How about the fact that he sleptwalked one night!  Nothing...crickets.  I hear them laughing about the divorce rate this might cause and I give up.  You begin to feel sorry for yourself, like the world is against you in this circumstance.   Deflated, defeated I just ate leftovers that night.  Tomorrow's a new day and I hope to begin feeling better again soon.  I know we will because if it doesn't get worse, it can only get better. 

New York Tough stickers appear on an old mailbox

My nephew's burgers from his LA pop-up site Truck and Trowel 

I stare at these burgers admiring the burger to bun ratio, the thickness perfection, the amount of cheese and onions, the warm lightly grilled bun.  I can taste them just by knowing all of these elements make the perfect burger.

You Brought a New Kind of Love to Me

Baked Chimichangas

I ran out of cooking oil, the corner store has no tortillas and the bread is picked over but they did just get a huge shipment of these grain wraps.  You have to work with what the stores have right now.  For $3.99 you get 6 medium size, a rip off but blessing in disguise as we're not supposed to eat bread.  Somehow I justify it during the Pandemic.

I made these lovely oven baked Chimichangas with shredded pork, hotsauce, onions and mozzarella with Cotija cheese on top.  The wraps were crunchy and thin, great texture although if they were side by side there would be no comparison to a deep fried flour tortilla but that's the great thing, if you haven't allowed bread for months, you really appreciate anything that even looks like it.  This comes from a girl that drank near-beer for 10 years though.  Oil brushed on the top helped them to crisp up and brown in a 350 degree oven.

Roasted cauliflower is a great, super easy side.  Cauliflower and cabbage have been smart purchases if you're trying not to visit the market every day.  They keep well in the fridge and provide enough for a few meals in a variety of preps.

Enter Sandman

Pantry Tuna Cauliflower Casserole

I married a pantry tuna noodle with a cauliflower mac and cheese idea to form this super easy Dump Casserole for Two.

The zombie apocalypse came to my apartment this night.  After a troubled morning, P went straight back to bed feeling fatigued with a big headache.  I waited all day for him to rise back up but it didn't happen. I thought the smell of something in the oven might coax him out.  I tiptoed in a few times to check and the bedroom was pitch black and cold as ice.  I got a little spooked because we had moved into the 'getting better' phase and this was a step backwards.  He went to the bathroom a few times so I knew he was alive but moved real slow and deliberate, like you do when you're injured.  Declined invitations to come out came in barely audible mumbles. Late night arrived and I set up a bed in the living room.  Around 2:30 I hear someone breathing through my earbuds.  Are you up Patrick?, I yell out in the dark.  Like something out of my nightmares, I turn my computer screen to see P sitting in a chair in the dark kind of hunched over.  I believe he was sleep walking but it's unclear really what happened.  His head was down and his eyes closed as he spoke whispery like the last time but after some effort I got him back in bed and he was able to eat and then eventually speak normally.  I still don't know if he was awake through any of it.  We may never know.  He awoke the next day refreshed and twice as better so we decided to ignore it for now, chalk it up to yet another COVID layer.

• 1/4 cup shredded carrots and onions 
• can of Cream of Mushroom soup 
• 1/2 cup of yogurt 
• 1 can of tuna 
• 1/2 cup of shredded cheese 
• 1 cup of cooked pasta 
• 2 cup of Cauliflower Chopped into bite sized chunks (cooked last 5 minutes with pasta)

Stir everything together in a buttered casserole dish and top with bread crumbs.  Don't forget to add cracked black pepper and salt.

Coming through the COVID cloud, I find myself fuzzy and unable to process all that I've set aside for when I felt better.  Many tasks on my lists tend to become unnecessary with time.   I sort of remember questions that were important right before this shutdown hit.  I got the news I was furloughed somewhere in the middle of this virus and definitely put that down on the we'll get back to that shelf.  I still can't wrap my head around the vastness of this impact but that may be a crucial protective coating, so I'm not going to try until we're both much healthier.

What Looks Good in the Day, At Night Is Another Thing

Another day in lockdown.  It's interesting just how grateful you are to be alive when you begin feeling better from this virus, when you start seeing the light at the end of your breathing hole.  Hoping to hang on to that gratitude.  Happy that you can take deep breaths.  Happy when your chest doesn't ache all day.  When your gut doesn't clench up and twist.  When you walk around and realize you don't have to sit back down right away.  All these amazing ways our body functions without even having to think twice about it. 

While in the rough stages, I described to P how I was so surprised how many ways this virus tried to screw with my body.  He tried to be considerate but probably just wanted me to shut up and maybe in the back of his mind thought I was exaggerating.  I don't blame him, I mean what did we know just a couple of weeks ago? At that time it was cough, fever and shortness of breath - end of story, but now we hear a variety of ways it tries to attack your system.  Especially with my shortness of breath and chest pain, that was a real nail biter and I struggled to know how far was too far to let it go.   Now as he comes into the throes, he's feeling the sharper pains and scary air shortage more often and so I suspect in a couple of days, it's gonna hit him harder and harder as it did with me.  He'll also be super surprised and want to share how it can be so bad and then seemingly go away, only to return in a few hours.  He is going to have a few scares and I hope and pray nothing more but they are enough to really change your tune.  It's frightening and odd enough that he'll need to share it too.  These are all things I know but have to be super cool about and not be an I told you so jerk.  I mean, I have to be bigger about it or I'm just as bad.  But somewhere inside, after he's completely in the clear,  I'll have some dark gratification that I'm not proud of. 

I added real pasta to my squash today to make it heartier and more fulfilling. 

Leftover Squash and Pasta Puttenesca