Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Something Tried to Lay Her to Waste

P went on a road trip for a week and somehow my bad planning allowed me only one day off from work.  I tried to squeeze all of my alone time luxuries into one 24 hour period.  I had this indulgent Spaghetti Supreme with pepperoni, green olives, mozzarella, fresh oregano and basil.  I made sure to have a clean apartment with mopped floors to start, and fresh candles so at night I would light them all for a warm glow.  I took a long shower before watching a gooey romance movie with Diane Lane and Richard Gere, two crushes in one.  During the day I played music that made me feel happy and snacked on fruit and yogurt.  With all of this solo foreplay, I still could not reach that gratification of the ego.  

The will was there but instead there existed this now familiar dim outlook vibe lingering in the atmosphere that I haven't been able to properly pinpoint until a recent New York Times article came out and named the damned thing. 

According to the article, it turns out many folks in the world apparently, like me, have been languishing.  We're not outright depressed but we have lost some sense of purpose. We've become dispirited.  Not everyone, some have come out unscathed from all of this disruption to our lives.  But I do agree with the Times, that the folks that have noticed change in the makeup of the air, have reached a chronic stage.   A long term recurring hoodoo like this could take it's toll.  Who would have thunk that some in-between dullness would try to drag us down and wear us out to the point of giving in.  

But just perhaps, this is all natures brilliant ploy to snap us into a better place.  Not to give up but to transform!  That this Pandemic caused so much severance from normalcy that it made a space for true change.  We don't need to 'get back to normal' when you consider the road we were headed down.  Something much better is out there, much needed and possibly attainable with a mass effort.  If enough people are allowing realness in, than I believe transformation can happen.  Could this be enough to move us into a higher state of consciousness? 

The good news is that more people are experiencing the present.  In the article they call it 'flow', where you focus on accomplishing one task, not allowing your mind to take over like a ruling toddler's chaos.  I call it living in the moment.  Eckhart Tolle calls it being in the Now.  But as he says, it's all just pointers because no one can properly describe this in words.  But, it is the cure, if people are truly looking for relief from the sluggishness, from their suffering.   Tripping the wires of your mind is the only way to halt the negativity that it's sickness brings forth.  A constant return to the safety of now ensures your continuance in the calm acceptance.  

I sat at my window this morning before most people woke seeing not much of anything, then after a few moments, I noticed a pigeon traveling back and forth from the top of my building to a fence across the street.  He must have been building a nest and made the journey every minute.  There was something so fascinating about watching that bird.  Quietly observing nature is one door to that place for lack of a better description, where there are no thoughts, but is connected to everything.  That place where if decisions were made there, we would have less corruption and power struggles, less fear, and rotten reasoning.  Less separation of gender and race.
We all have weak actions and life is not easy.  Sometimes all logic goes out the window and we act out because we're imperfect, so imperfect.  But that is the beauty of now, each moment is able, therefore is a new beginning and any negativity that exists in the moment we are in becomes just something to accept or deal with instead of diagnosing as.   Of course I don't claim to understand any of this, all I know is that it's changed my life.  I'm all for acknowledging truth and not one to wear rose colored glasses, but there is no gain in identifying with negative reflection.   The serenity prayer from AA is another useful pointer that I've used more this year.  Serenity being another entrance point.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

So in answer to this New York Times article, I am thrilled pieces like this exist right now, they are helpful beyond belief to folks like me.  I agree naming conditions are effective in treating.  And because Adam Grant is a clinical psychologist and I am just a girl that's been depressed most of her life and who's been the guinea pig, taking many, many types of what I now think of as soul-crushing, antidepressants, I will yield to his expert advise.  My humble yet very heartfelt layman's opinion is, hear this word, allow it to resonate or fall flat but then step outside of it.  Don't describe yourself as it.  Watch it, analyze it but never let anyone tell you this is what you are. Because that is one area I do not believe science and medicine have correct yet in treatment or dialog.  Just the tweak of saying you have depression or you are depressed, to you are someone who experiences depressing thoughts could be a game changer. 
Just like in the Wizard of Oz, the reason Glinda the Good Witch could be so darn chill is because she knew the Wicked Witch of the West had no power over her when she was present, in the merry old land of Oz.  

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