Sunday, October 24, 2021

What Kind of Love is This That You're Giving Me

As if everything in the previous post was a lie about squash, this simple real spaghetti puttanesca was firing on all cylinders.  Anchovies, capers, olives, the red pepper flakes, the garlic.  But it's mainly about the actual pasta noodles. What the hell is it about them that brings so much joy to my mouth, stomach, mood, overall life experience.  The dishes are two different realities.  I suppose comparing is inevitable but useless because I would invite either plate to my table any day of the week.  I know the squash leaves me feeling invigorated and nourished, like I'm living my best life.  However, the real pasta tastes like home and the satisfaction factor is high, if only fleeting. 
How does one reconcile those feelings?  Or do they?  I think you choose both or rather don't choose at all.  Pasta doesn't even like me. It tells me oftentimes by giving me migraines and after I eat a lot of it, my belly bloats out like a balloon and I have discomfort for days.  I thought I loved pasta.  I know love is messy and no one understands it, so why try?  

I've not spent time with this theory but I suddenly believe our idea of love, many times is a huge misunderstanding.  We desire something and that is real.  It feels good to feel good and that is real.  But calling it love is not correct because when you really love something it is a selfless act, you should need nothing from it.  It should always be unconditional.  So you see, loving spaghetti is a silly notion.  I love the way I feel when I eat spaghetti.  I love the way spaghetti tastes going down my throat.  I want spaghetti for reasons I only slightly understand, more a drug that I need to score.  In fact, sometimes I think I hate spaghetti, the way it takes hold of my mind and won't let go.  
To call it love would be wrong.  To say I need it, is correct.  To call it an unhealthy obsession is most accurate, I suppose.  I've learned to invite it into my life in smaller portions and its manageable but I don't think there is ever a time when I don't wish I could eat the entire pot in one sitting and have it every single day. 

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