Sunday, July 4, 2021

If You're Lost You Can Look and You Will Find Me

Brother David and his wife, then teen girlfriend Betty who he would marry at 17 and remain with until he died. 
Brother passed near this holiday, the 4th of July, so now I equate hot dogs to him, which is fitting since he had a great sense of humor and if any food has humor, it's probably hot dogs.  I often feel his presence around when alone and have conversations with him, sometimes asking for advice from the after world.  I didn't get to know him well enough before he passed but I loved him dearly.  Something tells me he stays around to check on his large family because he hated leaving them with any burden and from what I learned about him, he had a great sense of responsibility.  He hated that his cancer slowed him down in getting things done.  In these cases, the spirit might get extra time to hang and protect, is how I figure it anyway. 
After he died, a mystery unfolded that needs solved.  I kept noticing time, clocks at specific numbers, like 2:22 or 3:33, 5:55, always looking at my phone at the precise moment the numbers would sync and then followed by a nudging feeling.  At first I thought it was my mother but later came to know it's him, somehow.  Lately, it's happening at 11:11 and for quite some time, like weeks.  He's trying to tell me something.  I think.  It's hard to speculate and I continue to search my mind for clues.  

Time itself, the concept has plagued me all my life.  I've not believed in it and often resented how big a role it plays in our day to day.  Recently I've come to look at the past and the future as mere thoughts, that only this moment is real, right now. Clocks and calendars have therefore become more of a nuisance.  These ideas have freed me of so much pain and misery.   Not to be stuck to a formed definition of yourself, who you are, what you're capable of is to become a child again but taller.  The truth is, we're all so many different things and to hold on to an idea about yourself is a form of prison.  

Dave was always so clever and seemed to see all my insecurities as if written right on my face, when we were very young and I had more than my share.  I didn't even let him see my eyes when walking past, as it would bring on stuttering.  I remember thinking way back then that I had outed him.  I understood he was more of a character in a fairy tale, an other worldly creature posing as a brother, but he knew so much more than the rest of us, somehow.  And he made me know him deeply, in an instant, back then and later as an adult, somehow.   
Chili dogs, potato chips, salad and watermelon - the 4th of July plate.

I think this was my other brother Ernie's wedding day.  (David on left, Ernie on right).  I remember the back of Ernie's thighs were sweating through his pants in church and he fainted or something.  My mom got mad because she said it was probably due to his drinking too much the night before.  My brothers together always seemed like they were up to no good, which I loved.  
So, I don't know what it could be, perhaps a warning or knowing him, more a riddle.
It will for now, remain a mystery. 

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Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?