Friday, February 28, 2020

Standing Here On the Ladder of My Life

One Pot Braised Chicken w/Coconut Milk, Tomato & Ginger
Damn NYTimes hides their recipes if you don't subscribe so this was my version without instructions.  The ingredient list is sufficient. Ginger, coconut milk, cinnamon, tomatoes you say?  I'm so there and will find a way to make that work and I did.  Flavors for the gods!
This was pre-pandemic but I remember preparing this meal and considering the future and what it might bring.  All the while believing there is no such thing as a future.  However, interestingly enough, as I write this over a month later, the here now did bring a whole lot of change.  But the past doesn't exist either so I'm here in today wondering about such things.  More and more, I've been fascinated with the idea that without a true identity that I'm not bound to any of my past hang-ups and shortcomings.  Throughout time, I've suffered from depression but have found more recently that I can stop, breathe,  and reboot therefore it has nothing to cling to.  I recognized it coming into my body and mind on certain days, that's when I finally realized the most important fact, that it is not me.  I don't know what it is exactly but who cares, as long as it's not who I am.  And the same with a dozen other imperfections.  And it has bothered me when people remember me a certain way that I am no longer, maybe never was but had defined me as such. My past is just stories that everyone holds different memories of, so even those are just mystery interpretations that we assume are correct. Isn't it fascinating to think no one shares the exact same memory of the same occurrence?  It's gotten me to realize everyone I know, probably considers themselves to be completely different than I see them.  I've always been aware of people's essence though, their true nature.  I've felt I had a special ability to recognize souls in this way.  Maybe we all have the skill, it's just choosing to use it.  When you meet someone, it takes only seconds to make a thousand connections that seem to go far beyond the flesh and bone.  But I have also held onto old perceptions about people.  Seeing them in my mind a certain way when they too should not be defined.  But are those connections real or also something manifested in the mind?  I've always known my intuition as the only thing to be trusted.  Sure, I've been wrong before but it's become apparent fairly quick and doesn't happen too often.  I guess it's possible that someone rooted in their ego could move so far from their essence that they become unrecognizable.
Still, when I do get it so wrong I tend to revert back to ego if only for a moment to mourn who I'd hoped them to be. 

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