I Will Be Loosened From Bonds That Hold Me Fast

St Patty's Irish Lamb Stew

I'll admit, I feel terrible for eating lamb.  We do eat eggs, which are technically baby chickens, so if you're ready to put on your judgy-mcjudgement hat, let's just take a moment to reflect.  After years on the east coast, Greek diners have lured me into eating this delicious meat but seldom have I ever made it at home and could count on my hands how many times in life I have partaken.  In San Francisco I recall being at the age where wearing fur and eating lamb could bring on violent acts against you, by me even.  The Smith's, Meat is Murder blaring from a cheap cassette player while trolling the Union Square area, down the street from my Tenderloin dwelling.  Those days are gone.  However, apparently, I still suffer from massive guilt from the symbolic and biblical meaning this incredibly adorable animal represents.  This stew was very special and healthier than a huge corned beef rack to celebrate the St Patrick's Day holiday and I assure you, nothing went to waste.  

As we age, we naturally eat less meat (or we're supposed to) and as farm raised, grass fed, free roaming meats are harder to afford, vegetarians we all might become. 

Cabbage Forward Chicken Vegetable Soup
And making the stew gave an excuse to use all the extra vegetables and to make a cabbage-forward chicken and vegetable soup.  If you're chopping up vegetables, why not make a second pot of something?  

Another fun idea was these Cheddar-nut Crackers that were full of butter and cheese, so there was little to not like about them.  I would freeze a roll to make for a second occasion like I did here, which made them even more special.  

Bring 'Em All In

Trigger warning: Awkward girl tries to explain herself below

Enchilada Platter from Pequena in Fort Greene

In the end the joke was on me because Latin Heritage Month is in September but I could have sworn it was in June.

At a Mexican restaurant recently I went on about how the gays not only stole my Cinco de Mayo celebration at work, but they took over the whole darn month of June, which I thought was when we celebrated Hispanic heritage.  Overall, I was a little short with the whole gay spectrum and I was trying to understand why.  At first I figured it was because they had the gall to celebrate an entire month when most groups barely get recognized for their one day (I also didn't realize it was the 50th Anniversary of Stonewall).  I have this same reaction with people that claim entire birthday months.  This is unusual for me though because I have big love for homosexuals. I have always seen their struggle and frankly in my youth I thought they were way more interesting than straights 99% of the time.  But now I admire good character in individuals regardless of who you're schtooping. So I broadened my spectrum.  I'm all for everyone having the right to get married, and equal benefits, access to needed support and care. Of course we should have all of that.  I certainly see the huge steps the world needed to take from the 1980's to now for the LGBT community, absolutely.  But I was feeling somewhat pressed this year, in 2019.  I struggled to see what they could still possibly want.   What I mean is sometimes I see us all in lines like at the DMV and in those lines we have our Blacks, Asians, Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, Whites, Women, overweight people, soldiers, poor whites, uneducated whites, Jews, the 99%, Midwesterners, Southerners, Refugees, Immigrants and the line really goes on quite a ways.  In other words ALL of the other oppressed and suppressed groups.  And so the next number comes flashing up on the screen and who keeps getting to go from the same line?  The gay activists! This is the way it feels to me anyway.  I like things to be fair.  I totally see there are big issues but they exist for many people in many forms and shouldn't we prioritize based on the urgency?

We are in a strange time where I struggle to understand if our improvements are positive or ridiculous. Sometimes it feels we've been completely turned around and shaken off our axis.  We've been completely distracted with this fight between parties, where every topic is politicized.  It reminds me of how in families oftentimes we despise the one who we are most similar.  The far right and the far left are not so different suddenly.  We've taken truth and reason out of the discussion.  But truth is a funny thing because it's like lemons, it can cut through just about anything and come out clean.

speaking of lemons, a delicious lemon seltzer with scoops of lemon sherbet, super refreshing! 

You never know what will surface with all this muddling.  People seem to be searching out and finding more critical thinkers that are having unmediated, long form discussions without the influence of corporate branding.  And these folks are willing to dish out but also take truth from both sides of the argument.  A proper discussion, how refreshing.

Another positive thing surfacing from all of this is instead of regurgitating trusted news source rhetoric the every day Joe's are challenging each other to form their own unique viewpoints around these complex subjects.  It's not enough anymore to come armed to lunches with friends quoting articles because we all have access to the same bullshit. It's time to have your own thoughts again.

So I was corrected the other day on my use of the current and ever growing acronym of LGBTQIA+.  They added an I&A plus a '+', which is; "Not just a mathematical symbol anymore, but a denotation of everything on the gender and sexuality spectrum that letters and words can’t yet describe".  New York Times.  Someone must have yelled Infinity!  Why add so much specific terminology on descriptions so personalized?

Gah!!! Honestly, wouldn't the gays be the first ones to call complete bullshit on all of this if the straights were to start charting up all these Scattergories???  I'm sure there are just as many ways to identify in the NON-LGBTQIA+ spectrum.  And don't we all bounce around a lot in expression?  Where is the science in all of this?  How are we abandoning that humans are only male or female or a version of something in between?   This just feels very fast moving to me.  And maybe this isn't the radical lefts doing but I'm still shell shocked from the masses making such swift moves on the condemnation of all the men that behaved badly recently.  How they took everything away and marked them forever bad without any proper legal means.  That hit like a tornado.

If we accept that someone is not male or female legally, then identity is fluid for everything.  Where could you then draw the line?  Age and race would then be subjective.  How could we manage that within our structures financially or otherwise? Someone is suing right now and it's not the first case. Not kidding.  What if you don't feel like being white any longer and prefer to identify as black.  How is this any different?   Who's rights are more valid?  I feel more 14 than most 14 year olds I know.

And if you think this is not going to be an issue and people are making too big a deal, consider that in Canada if your little girl starts claiming she's a boy and you don't take her to begin counseling for transition, she can be taken away from you.  And there are a lot of those little gems that I had no idea were already laws.  I see wording sneaked into our harassment training, 'even if the person perceives something as....dot, dot, dot.  Companies are financially liable if a worker does something that could be conceived as disrespectful, even implied.   Of course this is making companies so fearful that they're trying to get ahead of the curve putting in policies to save their ass and operating out of fear. Now you must do things that I would have been happy if asked but when you enforce a policy, I don't support that.  I back up not allowing racial or slurs of any kind, that's obvious.  But how is making me call someone xyr rational?  I can't get my company to call me by my preferred nickname which is only a shorter version.  But I could get fired by not using a made up pronoun and be faced with a $250,000 fine.

At work we had a whole company policy and shift in the way we could grammatically address a group of new hires, some in order to protect their right to identify as non-binary people.  I'm not yet down with non-binary as a term recognized by laws and government. With the people I have no problem.  I'm very pro self expression of any kind.  I think the science should be there though in order to declare yourself another human specimen.  I do want better lives for transgender folks I'm just afraid we're not staying reasonable. As a matter of fact, I am so happy to learn of parents and schools not pushing binary toys and letting the lines blur as they will for kids.  I've been on the pink princess hating bus for years.  I never liked that we guided kids to certain types of toys.  I loved going into my dads tool shed and pounding nails and building stuff, getting dirty and running like a wild dog in the woods but I also loved fashion and my sister and I would draw out wardrobes for the next semester year in grade school.

At a home furnishing store you would expect to find lots of gay men and they are represented but the number of women has grown by leaps and bounds in the last year.  Not only your garden variety lesbians but gender fluid, gender non-conforming, non-binary, trans, gender neutral and its been interesting to have this new evolution happen so quickly.  I feel a bigger connection.  If indeed it's true that 40% of the transgender community attempts suicide and that number is only 4% for straights, I want to listen because those are drastic emergency level numbers.  I think people are ready to have humane discussions outside of our political leanings that could be resolved without the government.  But that requires respectful honesty.  I think some liberals are operating solely on empathy.  Sometimes you have to tell people they're full of shit. That's something I actually learned from my gay friends.

I think we can support, respect and give credit when its due and stay clearheaded.  Just because you're gay doesn't make you a hero.  The real heroes in the community were the men and women in the 70s, early 80s, the thousands who took beatings and constant jabs throughout every facet of their lives but still stayed true to themselves.  Yes people still get violated but so do blacks, women, Mexicans, short people, nerds, etc.  Americans are cruel motherfuckers.  It's a horrible reality.  If you come out today, good on you and for real.  I'm just saying social media puts people on pedestals for the wrong reasons.

The truth is I like all of the new theys much better then all the other Cis hes and shes at work because they're different and I feel more connected to different.  But in the end, I'm much more concerned with identifying as cool, humble, kind individuals seeking to work because I'm old like that now.  My problem was never with the thems but the lawmakers and the radicals who took it way the fuck too far, too soon and put the money and pushed the bills to create all this unnecessary distinction without proper consideration for how it affects everyone, businesses, parents, schools, etc.  In their rush to save the world, I feel it's created its own new set of problems and division.

I am not yet equipped to counter the argument that we don't need to acknowledge up to 31 different protected genders in New York, several of which are not actual genders but expressions thereof.  See 'priorities'.  But by the way here they are and I am keeping my lips tight when I read that 6, 7 & 10, 11 differ only in abbreviations. Don't get me started on the definition of gender-gifted:

1. Bi-gendered
2. Cross-dresser
3. Drag King
4. Drag Queen
5. Femme Queen
6. Female-to-Male
7. FTM
8. Gender Bender
9. Genderqueer
10. Male-to-Female
11. MTF
12. Non-Op
13. HIJRA
14. Pangender
15. Transexual/Transsexual
16. Trans Person
17. Woman
18. Man
19. Butch
20. Two-Spirit
21. Trans
22. Agender
23. Third Sex
24. Gender Fluid
25. Non-Binary Transgender
26. Androgyne
27. Gender Gifted
28. Gender Blender
29. Femme
30. Person of Transgender Experience
31. Androgynous

One would think the easier but turns out just as serious subject is the laws are such that you must address these new genders by a plethora of new pronouns, some words new to anyone on the planet.  How did we get here so quickly?  I sat and watched about 30 Ted Talks with people unwrapping this topic for us Cis folk. Could that term be anymore abhorrent by the way?  It sounds like a soulless clone born out of a laboratory.   After watching various transgenders describe gender identification and pronouns as if its nothing out of the ordinary and how we should just abide by their wishes and if you screw up then apologize quickly and move on.  Okay, so far I don't follow on the actual gender descriptions, I see them more of expressions, and as far as the pronouns, they, them, sure no problem.  But then it keeps going and they explain the list may grow to whatever (currently we have 56).  Respectfully, there should be a middle ground here.  I'm not so concerned about grammar, although that's also hard to change, as I am opposed to being force fed some new behavior.  Like I said, logic has to play in.  I can definitely get the link between identifying yourself and feeling respected. One separate pronoun is reasonable and easy enough for folks to adapt.  In Sweden they say 'Hen' to describe gender neutral as opposed to Han or Hon.  My bud suggested some are using 'friend' which I love! I don't like guilt tripping people by citing Cis privilege though.  Just because you're labeled straight doesn't mean you're free from oppression.  These are very complicated concepts and I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to just hop on board without proper discussion.

My question is will all this new language and categorizing truly make the situation any better or widen the division gap?  Time will tell when the chromosomes settle.

A quick last thought: I had an amazing therapist in my 20's and she once told me one of the hardest things for me will be to realize that I am much more like other people than my fear of being so different.  It was a huge bombshell for me.  Sometimes I feel like all this division from the 'norm' is coming out of hurt, anger and rebellion, as well as preference.   Dividing us up further especially legally is a sad way to deal with this opportunity to come together individually to see that everyone is always many things.

Your Love Feels like Trumpets

The Atlantic Antic 2018 

In recent years it was hard to know if even I would make it to the street festival let alone both of us going together.  For many years we never missed it, a real tradition then one time we ditched it entirely.  Last year I took a vacation day just to go with a gal from work but became ill and ditched her.  P seems to have grown tired of it altogether.  I still enjoy it, if only for nostalgic feels. This time I worked but got off in just enough time to rush home, drop my bike, walk over and catch a few bands, thought to maybe sample some food as well.  By the site of him still being in his Sunday morning apparel at 4pm, I could tell P was going nowhere.  It would be a solo venture as Tiger Woods was playing a big tournament.

 The Get It! band - fun white boy funk with horns at Hank's Saloon.

 I can't be sure but I told myself this was Richard Buckner playing bocce ball.  

It felt what it was, a party that was about to end, some vendors already packing up, the crowd dispersing a bit.

But I came and I saw.  I wanted to bring a taste of the festival back and found who I think was the daughter of the lady who ran our old favorite jerk spot on Atlantic.  She had a booth set up with a nice grill master and helpers.  As I've done before I ruined it by getting all goofy excited and turned off the laid back Islander. I could see it in her eyes.  She was not interested to know how we loved her mom's food or that our now deceased cat Willie used to sneak her hot chicken from our plates it was so delicious that he risked his life for it.  And one time he made off with an entire leg and P stayed mad at him for it.  That when she closed we were so bummed out.  

And then I remembered that her mother was very much the same.  Disinterested. Her food was incredible but there was no happiness living in her place.  Perhaps she missed her home.  Maybe she had been in a failed marriage or had health issues.  Who could know how these two things could exist and live together; amazing delicious food in a sad lonely uninviting restaurant. We both agreed the vibe was what took they place down.

When I got home P was standing for the final moments of the last round and would you believe it, Tiger won!  I'll repeat, Tiger won!  It was as if the heaven's opened and the angels sounded trumpets.  A true champion who deserves it.  We celebrated by eating the delicious food made by disheartened women served up in Styrofoam containers.  

Man Surrenders, Spirit Won't

If you look beyond the mundane baked chicken, underneath is red rice.  Exceptionally tasting red rice made with dried shiitake mushrooms and the broth, so its very earthy and woodsy.  The highlight are these amazing dried mushrooms. Grown at the farm, my brother in law's amazing family project in Southern, Indiana.  Reconstituted here today for this pungent flavorful dish.  Using the mushroom liquor as it's called as stock for the rice is very practical.  I love using all the bits and pieces of food. I'm definitely the child of depression era parents.

I have not yet pounded out any real meat with this incredible handmade mallet I was given by my nephew but I just love how it looks and feels.  As a matter of fact I was super late in thanking them for this huge gift they all gave us that will and has lasted for months, two giant bags of dried caps and also dried habaneros.  Endless new dishes, recipes and delights have been born. Funny how one ingredient can change everything.   Funny how you can be so bad at expressing your gratitude towards people.  Especially when you truly do feel it and revel in the benefits of their gifts.  What does happen to all the good vibes we feel for people that go unsaid, untold and therefore unnoticed?

If those positive thoughts are out there you hope they somehow get to their rightful recipient or at the very least some deserving soul that will pass them along and not let the balloon drop.  Just like stems and liquid, I believe every particle of a good thought or deed is useful out in the world. Round and round we go, where she stops, nobody knows. 

We're Sailing on a Strange Boat

I love finding new vessels for food.  Had been meaning to try these baked eggs in avocado and when I finally did it happened to be more of a brunch time meal.  I paired it with roasted tomato halves and leftover roasted spaghetti squash.  I topped them with a little sharp cheddar and turkey pepperoni slices.

I thought I seasoned them well before adding the egg but would recommend over seasoning, maybe even a good squirt of lime.  Warm avocado is creamy but it's also sort of bland for me. Actually I'm more grateful that this idea prompts many more roasted stuffed ideas for dinner.   I'm almost envisioning a turducken type of scenario using vegetables.  A medium sized tomato, tucked into another vegetable stuffed with a little ground meat and onions could be fun and rewarding.   I'm digging less clean up and pans these days too.  Lots of after work meals that need to throw down fast.  We're living in a strange time where cooks are trying to accomplish healthier, faster, more efficient, less waste, less clutter meals that they can prepare after work but we also want exciting and fresh plates to eat with our eyes and noses too!

I Saw the Whole of the Moon

So far this has been the summer of the burger.  I'm almost embarrassed to say I've eaten at least 10 burgers already and it's only June.  67 Burger here in Fort Greene can be out of this world good.  Most times they are exceptional.  This time they were good.  But their 'just good' is still pretty spectacular.  They weren't as 'right off the grill' tasting and not hot.  The bleu cheese on the 67 burger was slathered real thick. 

Bur honestly, they're so tasty and hearty.  One should not complain.  Especially one that didn't pay for them nor go get them.  (Thanks P!) And they have the best fries and onion rings.  The rings are the kind that the onion doesn't come slithering out with each bite.  It stays where it belongs and the batter is light. 

All in all a very great experience.  Afterwards we ran out to see the Super Moon.  Last year we had to look for it and finally found it after climbing up into Fort Greene Park. 

This year we just stepped out of the apartment and looked to the left and there it was, big and bright shining right down on Fulton Street.  For me, the moon has such a brilliant presence and I can barely take my eyes off of it, the pull is mesmerizing.  Sadly though, seemed like no one else really cared out there on the streets.  They were just shuffling off to the bars and restaurants. 

I Saw the Whole of the Moon

I've always wanted to live in New York, since I can remember. I was a dreamer child and didn't miss a movie set in NY. Movies were an excellent source of escapism from my creepy childhood. It would calm me to hear it, to see it, to imagine the city streets, the sound of the heels on pavement, all the car horns, the endless windows and floors and buildings filled with people and happenings a goofy kid like me could only dream of.

It took way too long but I did manage to get myself here eventually. I've live here now just over 15 years. I wanted to see all of it, the good and the bad, the pretty, the filthy rich and the indescribable. Working in Times Square and Union Square provided a good perspective and vantage point to see a good deal. But now working by the old docks in a more desolate area of Brooklyn, I've actually seen the real New Yorkers. The Russians, the Poles, the Jews, the gays, the Islanders, the neighborhood people of every color and mix. The Puerto Ricans, the Dominicans, the Cubans, the French, the Swedes, the Mexicans, the Germans. The Spanish, not just Mexicans calling themselves Spanish. And on a daily basis. That is pretty cool and its real, its so real. Its not like a book where you read the essence of it all. I get to smell the breathe of these people...literally.



There is a full moon tonight and as usual my muscles are achy and I'm very unsettled and uncomfortable. I was particularly hateful at work yesterday, unknowing the approaching full lunacy was brewing.


I made poached eggs for breakfast this morning in my old little poacher that I brought with me all the way from San Francisco. It makes perfect circles but I think the taste and texture is better lightly poached directly in the water.


Just like me the egg has to really get right in there and let the water envelope him before he can truly cook.



It's fitting because in SF, people dealt more in theory and essence. My SF poacher actually steams the eggs rather than poaches. Here in NY you don't talk about living amongst every type of person, you just do it and not always well. The reality is as harsh sometimes as a dip in scalding hot water. I work at a job where I am right out there, with no protection of an office to hide in. I hear the accents and the opinions. I converse and share stories. I argue and yell back. I love it.



I've accomplished one of my Biggest dreams and that is to see and experience the real New York.

Now whens the next bus outta here???!