Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Mostly I'm Silent

Spaghetti Squash Pizza Boats...Ships really.  Each vessel lasted for 3 meals.
I made the 'good' spaghetti sauce, with lots of garlic, onion, bell pepper, basil, hamburger meat, crushed tomatoes and fresh oregano to fill my boats.  It's a good idea to toss up your squash strands a bit with salt and pepper, Parmesan, to get them all seasoned before topping with the sauce.  But because life is short and hard, I also had to add some mozzarella and turkey pepperoni to seal the deal. This ain't no dress rehearsal folks.  We're in it!
I have a fresh start with a fairly new friend and I have been cautious about what to share and what to keep to myself.  In the past I would right away put my big dark ugly facts out there, right in the open. Felt it was the easiest way to show my scars. This was in the hopes that it might help explain peculiar behavior that inevitably would happen down the road.  But this time I don't want to have any such crutch.  I don't want to give myself any excuses. Instead I want to be taken at face value. Let them decide who I am. But even some of the small things that I share, I end up questioning. Every time I open my damn mouth there is someone inside frantically trying to turn the boat around. Shut up!  Don't say That! Good Lord, look at her face now, you're gonna screw this up!
 Suddenly I have Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh living up in head attic.
I've had issue with social media sharing lately too, reluctant to post any single item without feeling too exposed or questioning my intentions.  So much so that I feel the need to shut down the sites all together lest I be swallowed up by unnecessary thoughts and concerns.  After all, it's quite enough living in the real world. To intentionally subject yourself to such mental instability, I don't know if the trade off is worth it.  These are the unique problems and ramblings of an introvert.  Probably the most misunderstood personality type.
In both situations what I truly seek is quick bursts of genuine human interaction.  But it has to be sincere, easy and leave no bitter after taste.  I long for real contact that goes deeper than the generic niceties people are used to sharing.  I want to gain feedback and hear other's perspectives.  Consider fresh angles and then proceed back to my cave to digest the new findings.

Lately though, what I see most is a mirror.  So I must be doing it wrong.  I don't want to see more of me, I want to know you.  On the other hand, I'm not trying to be a voyeur either.  The whole idea is joint participation, the even exchange of information.  Its just a fun social interaction for most but for an introvert like me, these glimpses inside the heads of strangers is the source for the very blood coursing through our veins.

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Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?