She Won't Show You, What's Really Real

 Brunch at Black Forest Brooklyn in Fort Greene with P.  A 3 egg omelette with citrus kale, caramelized onions, & crispy bacon.  The best rich, strong coffee.  P had the very generous salmon omelette.

Sitting in a big open dining space with high ceilings and mostly good music allows you to feel so alive.  It made me think about how environment changes everything.  And also how far we've come as two humans cohabitating.  I think this stuff must come naturally to many folks but I don't believe either of us were too keen on the whole idea of ever becoming the cringeworthy, couple.  If it made you feel good to be together then that's awesome, if not, then an upbeat good luck parting handshake is how we looked at it.  But I had left that boy sitting alone in restaurants on so many occasions especially in the first years because he could piss me off so deeply with a word or a look, or worse and more often, absence of words.  I was called a hot head.  I thought he had no business speaking to women, period and had no social graces.  I thought he was terrible at instilling confidence, showing his good side.  He never felt he should have to try because he knew he was a good person and the fact that I didn't automatically see it bothered him and perhaps, he allowed himself to be cold and standoffish, aloof to punish me for not recognizing it. I have trust issues, and rightfully so.  I had to believe he knew how to be cooler but chose not to.  Two stubborn loners happy to stand their ground.

But neither of us is stupid.  We are both captivated by undeniable sincerity and truth.  Obviously we both travelled far and wide seeking some tangible authenticity.  When someone moves you to the point when you no longer control your own thoughts, then you must give attention.   Or kill them, which was a consideration at one point.

Being in the social environment of an eating establishment allows you to face one another and listen as you would a real friend or family member.  When we're home we tend to tune each other out or dismiss a conversation. Paying attention takes effort.  A terrible reality of living with someone for years.  So the other great thing about a date, so to speak is you're looking your best.  Your partner sees you looking optimal.  Their hair isn't standing on end and they have real pants on. They can see you as others might see you, when you're trying.  It's as if you were in black and white in the apartment but become technicolor 3D in public.  And turns out given the chance, I can complete a sentence and follow a train of thought, contribute and converse.  And P isn't the same not gettin' it fool he once was.  He actually looks like he's listening when I talk and even though I know he can't really hear me because of his Murphy ears, he's managed to appear engrossed.  Basically,  now I know he's not an asshole and he doesn't believe I'm here to cut his balls off.