This Doesn't Have to Be the Big Get Even

Something snapped at work and I am now able to smile on my nemesis', most days anyway.  Instead of toiling inside I leave her and others like her, be, and more sincerely than I have before, treat her nicely, wish her well, don't take any of her shit, but also don't give any back.  It's a nice little gift from the universe.  

Actually, watching George Harrison deal with McCartney and Lennon in the documentary Get Back sealed the deal in a way.  He knew it was time he created songs in a new world of his own creation, not live in someone else's, not that it was bad - in any way, it was simply time.  He was given unique gifts as well and felt the drive to get them out into the world.  In so many ways, it was incredibly brave of John and George to get their own music out there when connected to such a cash cow, that was the Beatles.  Seeing Paul nervous to let them go, even though he held the market share of talent helped me to see everyone holds struggles, even those that aren't as apparent. 

Bok Choy and Soy noodles with Mushroom and Chicken

I've allowed myself to live in the world of some bullies at work for more years than I'd like to admit.  I didn't know how to move out of it, at times consuming me.  I thought it might be about the fight, at first.  Then, I tried ignoring their energy, as if they didn't exist but that only proved to make them more real in my head.  I found solace in other newcomers to the department, experiencing similar struggles with them.  Realizing that it wasn't just me, not personal, but a legitimate matter helped a good deal.  Maybe I didn't deserve this basement of a life.  All of the sudden, like the bottom dropping out of this spinning absurdity, all my own anger and resentment fell away that I had been carrying around towards them.  I don't feel the need to respond at all anymore.  I'm not ignoring them intentionally as before, simply allowing them to be stinky, without me, while sending good energy their way because it must be a bummer for them too.  And it's made the world of difference.  Like I've let myself out of a self made prison.  

Well Who Am I To Keep You Down

I walked into the apartment at 6:30 in the evening coming home from a mucked up day at work.  Could I be dreaming, I smelled what could only be homemade beef stew.  P cooked dinner!  So my first reaction from my screwed up girl side, was jealousy that he could just make this amazing semi complicated meal so easily out of the blue.  And the backstory was that I had just made it but it was not the dream I had anticipated.  Quickly I get right because Wake up girl, someone made really good food for you!  And it was undeniable.  He did real good.  The thing about P is when he cooks, it's a special occasion so he reads recipes, he buys the good stuff, he makes it an event but that being said, he's also naturally talented at cooking, meat especially.  I've said this before but his family is rich in ability and often excel in their chosen ventures, which is lucky.  I'm not naturally talented at anything I've hoped to be so it's just a tiny bit frustrating.   He went to the good butcher for stew meat and bones, he bought wine and fresh vegetables.  He probably spent as much money as a big dinner out would cost but there is such a difference in textures with good beef that I for one could taste right out of the gate.  And in a slow cooked delight like stew, it does come through.  Compared to my penny saver beef stew from a couple of weeks ago, this was levels up in richness. 

Punk!

And the Days Go By Like a Strand in the Wind

P went to a coworker funeral this morning and I went to spend the afternoon with a friend.  Felt funny him leaving in a suit and me all chipper hoping for sunshine and lots of laughs.

I walked through downtown Brooklyn there and back.

Moonstruck Diner on 2nd Ave, my bud's favorite.  I had the Greek Salad and she had her usual grilled cheese platter with fries and a Coke.  Any good diner's staple.

H and I have gone to diners for years and she always gets the same thing and eats like a quarter of it.  She made me appreciate diners for the conversation and easiness of the whole experience.  Laid back yet hustled and noisy.

They took out the booths and put in little bistro tables and the waiter looked disappointed in our order.  Then don't call it a diner!  They already upped the price tag on these menu items to well beyond their worth anyway, so keep your specialty items and pocket the profit and leave me the eff alone!  And bring me a cawfee!

Walking past some of these places  in the East Village I have specific memories attached to over the years when we first moved here.  Instantly I get pulled back into those days, all the mystery of the new terrain, and the history and the memories being made at the same time.  Being taught New York 101 by the men we called McIntosh, Jackson and Halverson on the easiest ways to get from bar to bar in all the neighborhoods and then to the nearest subway when you've reached your limit.  And how to pour your friends in a late night cab when necessary.  It seems easy until you are the one responsible for doing it.  Where does your friend live?  Should you get a cab facing uptown, downtown, across town?  Do they have money, can they talk?  It actually does need to be taught.  This was before GPS and cell phones mind you.  And you were wise to listen to the tried advice of these professionals.

That was years ago but I love how specific times in your life become whole chapters.  And you can go back sometimes and read them and it all comes to life again.

Everything changes and some things stay exactly the same.

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

I love the thought of my days off but I don't always love my days off. I am learning to manage my demons but unfortunately, they still like to hang out just the same. In the case I get weak, they overtake the apartment just like those cold and flu germ commercials.

One way to dispel the funk is to make a good lunch for myself. Take the time to actually think about what I'd like to eat. Make it special for me. Sounds kinda self indulgent but its something I've never done. A couple of years ago my sister asked me in an email if I made good breakfasts for myself on my days off and I thought, God no, that would be strange. I eat like a hungover single man on my days off and then feel like crap. Sitting alone with my fear and loathing. hmmm...maybe there's a connection? Then one day, I did as she suggested and it felt really great. And one thing the demons hate is for you to feel any kind of contentment.

So I tried connecting the positive dots. Pasta makes me feel content. P doesn't eat pasta so I enjoy it solo in smaller portions and healthier combinations like this turkey bacon, white bean and thyme with angel hair and parmesan shavings on top. I still get my fix but have energy from the beans and vegetables for getting things done and keeping active, getting out, listening to music, taking photos, writing and anything else.

Then, by the time P gets home I keep the vibes going by making him a nice dinner. That's something I enjoy doing. I'm putting better food in his belly and hopefully in turn, he also gets a boost. All the while I'm keeping those demons down.

Chicken breasts cut in chunks and cooked in a wok with broccoli and onions, Sriracha and black bean sauce.

Some people like me have known the blues and the darkness so long, we have a hard time imagining life without everything sucking. You start to become almost comforted by it. I'll always know it and its a big part of me but it's no longer welcome to come uninvited.