Downtimes Mixed With Days of Wonder

Many of us here in Brooklyn still have access to our corner store bodegas.  Almost unrecognizable at this point, most have turned from the stinky, old fruit and bad chips brand variety into amazing green vegetable markets, carrying impossibly diverse products as well as the finest, freshest produce. I've been sending the mule while I'm in quarantine to fetch goods but I wonder what we are doing to protect and accommodate the Central Americans and Mexicans working incredibly long hours in the most unprotected conditions?   Same for their mainly Asian counterparts working the cash registers to unending lines from early mornings into late at night.  They haven't changed their routine, this is always how hard they've worked but when you're not working and safe in your apartment, you consider them further.  We must protect our doctors and nurses, policeman and fire fighters first and foremost but in a time like this, those folks are in better shape if something bad should happen to them.  We rely on these hard workers equally in this time.  They may be uninsured, poorly paid and are taking the chance bringing this home to their families everyday.  They must work, in a worse way than say me and P, or my record store friends that may be out of jobs soon.  We're all in a pickle, but some more than others.

What's it been old friend, 25 years?  You taste as good as I remember.  Make the pandemic fun by eating foods you haven't gone near in years. 

In just the last days, we've noticed the Asians have taken to finally wearing masks but the produce guys are bare faced and gloveless, continually working in a very tight, super crowded space.  It would be impossible to carry out the six foot rule unless they begin a line system, which could be a good idea starting now.  I almost feel this is time to tip these workers, as you would and will the delivery take out guys to help supplement their income during this time and, you know, for freaking being awesome in time of crisis.

I've had a bag of greens go bad this week, so my choices are sturdier today.  Sweet potatoes, apples and cabbage instead of my regular avocado, tomatoes and cilantro that I would purchase in a normal world.

Charred bean & burger lettuce dogs

These are not burnt but got charred due to adding my leftover mashed Chipotle pinto beans to a lb of ground beef, chopped red bell pepper, garlic & onion. The sugars from the saucy beans provides the smoky char.   I fried them up into long tubes like hot dogs so it would be easier to eat on Romaine lettuce spoons.  I have a few left and the second portion I'm baking into a tiny meatloaf.  Flatten that curve and Stretch that food! 

Baked fries

Light After Darkness, That is the Way

On yet another way too hot day, I rode my bike to work.  As I drove down State Street I saw a rat that had just been hit or killed so instead of being smashed flat on the ground like all of the rest of the rats I have ever seen on the road, this one was just lying there, all chubby and healthy looking, yet dead.  I thought about him, how hard it is to feel for a dead street rat but what it possibly says about us or me in particular.  But in that moment, just killed, somehow I was filled with compassion.  It felt like nature was giving me a riddle.  

 I thought about the little guy some more, about how unbelievably hot it was outside as I rode along.  Considered how much I may sweat when I stop.  I wondered how hot you could actually get before you got sick and passed out, or died.  As I was pulling in to the parking lot, I notice a pigeon, large and also laying on the ground, looking pretty freshly dead.  I thought how odd this was, now a little stunned, to see two just killed animals, albeit ones that we all pass without much thought.  How did it happen?  The bird did not look hit by a car, just tipped over like a cow.  Could it have reached the end of its life right on my pathway by chance?  So I continue on to lock up my bike where you can see through the building onto the other side, which is the front of the store.  I see this man riding his bike but stopping suddenly the way I would if I saw a $20 dollar bill on the ground.  Soon I realize it's something like an animal flopping.  I come up to the front of the building and see that it's a tiny sparrow, dying in real time on the hot pavement.  I asked if he hit it and he said no, that he saw it just lying there in the road.  I immediately spout out my tale and he doesn't seem too affected, barely listening. But as I tell it, I'm more freaked out.  I shut up, we don't know each other.  I just watch as he carefully picks up the tiny bird and tries to make it drink water.  He assesses it, tells me it's a girl.  I ask him how he knows and I forgot what he even said.  I knew this wasn't a dream because I would never go to work in my right state of sleep.  And it was hot, so hot.  I was coming in to cover someone who had called out.  I needed to get inside and clock in but this was so incredible.  He ignored me opening the employee entrance door and saying it was nice to meet him, so then I thanked him louder for being such a good person.  He ignores that and tells me 'it can't drink water, it's neck is broken'.  He goes on to say, his little beak is leaking something.  He says, 'it's not going to survive'.  Then I realized it was best to just let this wash over me because it felt important.  I let the door closed and came closer to him.  We decided it would likely die but we weren't going to kill it because we couldn't be sure.  It could just come alive and fly off.  What a nice thought.   I didn't know what to do so I snapped a picture.  Such a weird gesture. 

Later I tried to tell the story to a few coworkers and one lady told me right away, 'That means something really good is going to happen to you!' and for a second I got really excited but then quickly dropped my smile, because I knew that was wrong, it was so wrong.  This was telling me that something, maybe 3 bad things were going to happen and as soon as I thought it I'm pretty sure I made it true.   And as fate would have it, one of them already did just a week later.

Carry You Down

I am hesitant to write this story about what happened at work recently but all names will be changed to protect the innocent.  Our fire alarms go off at ridiculously high volumes which is one huge point of contention for me.  In fact, I could hear them full blast as I was riding up into the parking lot on this day. I got half excited thinking maybe we wouldn't be able to open and we would all be sent home to enjoy a full free day.  Instead, I went to the morning meeting where the manager on duty gives a state of the union and makes necessary announcements.  I don't have to attend.  I'm like the girl from the Breakfast Club that just goes because she's bored.  I like to study the higher ups and our mid level managers for kicks.  We came to understand we had no working elevators but would open on time and somehow make it work. There were so many questions.  How about the elderly?  Strollers?  Who would carry the bags and boxes down the steps for customers?  The store is on stilts so there is no ground floor, everything must be schlepped down a full flight of stairs.  Normally customers put large flatbed carts on the elevators and bitch about having to load their own shit in the car. They will love this.  As everyone is beginning to talk at once I notice this manager was looking worse for the wear.  His normally well groomed hair was disheveled and his head looked sweaty. His face was bloated. He had put on several pounds since arriving only a few short months ago.  He had on tattered Keds type sneakers which made him look short. Perhaps he was called in the middle of the night to handle the issue with the fire department.  There was talk of someone working on the problem since 3am, which was a broken pipe that caused a flood that caused the power outage. 

Even so, our concerns were not addressed in any type of realistic plan.  We were given answers that parents might hand out to their 5 year old. We'll see. We'll have to make due.  He continues, 'we'll figure something out'. We're opening in less than an hour I thought, now's the time to and these are the people to make that procedure. 

I'm just here for the ride and knew I'd probably not be inconvenienced at all but was miffed that many of my male coworkers would.  They could hurt their back, be injured.  We aren't supposed to be doing this type of thing and should not be asked.  All day I'm thinking this was the wrong call made by a long term company man.  This guy came here as an interim head dude.  A hot shot from Spain with thick black hair and blue eyes. He speaks like Inspector Clouseau and I've often felt he mistakes people in Brooklyn for uneducated clueless idiots. I've seen him sighing and in general looks like he's above it all and wouldn't mind slapping some of us. 

Handsome chicken breasts split and stuffed with apples and cheddar.  Served over a bed of spinach and sweet potatoes.  I was quite pleased with myself on this one.  Adjustments for next time would be to keep the red skin on apples and to use yellow instead of white cheddar for more color.

Later that day I come to find out that this manager had horrible chest pains and an ambulance was called for him.  And as the administrative offices are on the 4th floor....yep, they were unable to carry him all the way down the steps.  Boom! What a karmic disgrace.  I actually felt bad for him.  Everyone makes mistakes, but this could have put him in jail. What if we had a fire?  I would read a couple of weeks later that he is leaving the company after 30 years to 'pursue other ventures'.

Still in the Flow and I'm Low to the Ground

Cheeseburger Salad

My sister always plays uplifting music to set the tone for a celebratory day.  That makes so much sense.  She always had so much more common sense then me. Me, I tend to go straight for the songs that cut right through my gut and bring up the tears from way down deep inside my core. The tears that dried up years ago.  I've been considering this style and I have come up with logic.  This is my gittin' place.  Here in the depths, I collect various information about life, the more complicated ideas that tend to be a little sad but when unwrapped open up a whole world of science and information for my growth. I store these in a giant walk-in closet in my mind.  Song lyrics, a sad chord, movie lines, something someone said once way back.   I like coming here to hunt and gather but I need to get out quickly before it pulls me in.  The floors are like quicksand.  The air is dense.  There are traps.  And it's all real.

I don't always make it out unscathed.  I guess I still think it's worth going if I can come away with fuel to move ahead in some positive or creative way.  Great musicians talk about drug and alcohol use providing this same tool and they too have either stayed too long or drown in the room.

A cheeseburger patty laid on top of cool dressed herbed salad.  This is about the opposite of heavy and dismal.  I make food to express the joy and lightness that fills my heart.

Keep Me From Sinking Down

Once in a blue moon I will eat real pasta.  When I do I try to make the full on homemade sauce and really make it worth the pounding headache I'll probably get as punishment for the indulgence in white pasta products.  I had high goals for this dinner but in the last hours I recoiled and found myself running to the corner for store bought marina sauce and pre-shredded cheese.

 But the next night I raced to Williamsburg after work in time to catch Son Volt at Rough Trade. This album did not disappoint.  I feel Jay hit a higher peak with this record with songs like Cherokee Street, Cairo and Southern, Lost Souls.

 Once in a blue moon you get to see a show from an artist who means so much to you.  Whatever it is that you get from those shows defies definition but it is so replenishing and packs just as much wallop as any vitamin or edible nutrient.

Riding High in April, Shot Down in May

http://www.delish.com/cooking/recipes/a50411/spaghetti-squash-pepperoni-pizza-boats-recipe/

Spaghetti Squash Pepperoni Pizza Boat

Taking that spaghetti squash and marinara sauce dish to eleven!  Mushrooms, sausage, pepperoni, olives and mozzarella?  Yes.  See, we can have nice things....occasionally.

I remember this was a cold-ish dreary rainy day.  I had to take the shuttle bus to the subway after work. One of those days when you know winter is over but she's trying her hardest to spit in your face as you're shuffling her out the door.  And you're like 'I said Good Day winter!'

I was starting to see the promise of spring and that was enough for me.  You forget what the scenery truly does to your disposition.  Seeing grey for months and the absence of the sun is a blessing and a curse.  I need those seasons though.  I'm one of those freaks that believes we need to earn spring.  I love braving the weather in those dark bitter cold nights and mornings.  Getting on my bike with all the gear or bundling up to walk to see a show or to tuck into some cozy restaurant with a pal. I enjoy how we have to grit our teeth through weeks of those dirty snowy brutally windy or blah days that seem void of God.  But that doesn't mean I don't dissolve into an empty hollowed out shell by March.  To think that those same gothic-like haunting barren limbs will be fully green and breathing life into this city soon.  That is what gets me through that last final dark tunnel.

Winter just piles all the muck on at once.  You're cold, you're wet, you're kind of lonely, you're feeling the bleakness in everything.  The end of the year marks all your failure.  You look grey, people look grey, no one is smiling big.  Your body starts actin' up.  Sometimes my knees just decide to stop working mid jaunt.  Then the flu and colds, germs all around.  The snotty tissues and gross bike gear.  What's to love about it?

But there really is so much beauty in the quiet and the stillness of winter. When you can stop and only hear and see your own breath in the middle of the night. Those right there are super cool moments to remember that no matter what, even through all the joy and the loathing, all the unique thoughts we're so proud of, we are still just one of the filthy animals roaming this planet.  Different sure, but really just another type of beast.  And lots of us are dumb as rocks.

Too Much Living Is No Way to Die, Loose String

Every year I make my boyfriend who is now my husband a special dinner for his brithday.  I think the best gifts are ones that are made.  I do feel that way but in reality I do it because the stuff he really wants cost a shit load of money and I wouldn't be qualified to buy, like a new mixer or special mics.  Basically I know there is not much I could give him that he cares about... so, I make food.  He doesn't like or feel comfortable making a celebration out of the day of his birth. But I think it's important to respect and reflect on the day, like any other big holiday.  So now having gone through like 26 of these, I'm still trying to wear my little party hat while being respectful of his wishes.  I think about this meal and choose specific elements just for him.  And if asked, I like to think I could lay down reasons for each one.

Okay, I'll tell you!  We don't eat beef on the regular, so I wanted to make a nice rib-eye steak, pan seared with no sauce or extras, just a well cooked, well seasoned steak.  I am not comfortable handling thick man meat on my tiny Barbie stove, but I researched for days and found a good recipe that could work giving my heat limitations.  www.certifiedangusbeef.com/recipes/recipedetail.aspx?id=628
I chose beef because it signifies something real.  To me it has always represented being alive and being strong.  Definitely a wish I have for him.

He had a major health issue a couple of years ago and I realized I could lose him.  More than that, I guess I realized that I will lose him one day.  That's some bullshit right there. A real eye opener but not just him but realizing people in my life are not guaranteed to be there.  A recurring lesson since. They are gifts in themselves.

He's been enjoying potatoes again so I made this Herbed Potatoes Anna with Gruyere cheese, super simple but deeeeelicious!  neighborfoodblog.com/2015/03/herbed-potatoes-anna-recipe.html#_a5y_p=3556315.  Potatoes are honest food and have the connection with the dirt and one's roots.

I started off with these baked stuffed jalapeno halves with fresh pico de gallo.  These are tasty little bites that I've been making versions of forEVer, like how long we've been together.  I used a small diced hard chorizo crisped up, garlic, sharp cheddar cheese and a little onion. If anything, this dish represents me.

I made a spicy Broccoli Rabe with Parmesan and pine nuts for the green. Broccoli Rabe is very bitter but invigorating and you always feel like someone shot you up with vitamins when you eat it. www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/spicy-broccoli-rabe-with-parmesan-and-pine-nuts-51243810

For dessert I made carrot cake cream cheese bars which is a mash up of the traditional cake he loves and my desire for swirly things made into snack size.

www.marshasbakingaddiction.com/carrot-cake-bars-with-cream-cheese-swirl/
I celebrate his birthday almost selfishly because I recognize that he's really a gift that was given to me.

Your Causing it to Drown

Appetite is your natural desire to fill a bodily need.  Sometimes you make fun light fare and it's great. Other times you want seriously good food, a full meal.  You want it to feel warm and fulfilling going down.  You need it to be real and hearty. Maybe because food sometimes satiates more than just your hunger. Leaving the fat on chicken once in a while is recommended and makes a good difference in flavor. This is one of those times.  The bit of fat, even if you don't eat the skin coats the roasted chickpeas and garlic and leaves a delicious thick glossy goodness that can't be substituted with coconut oil.

Most days I can float along through life and be pretty self sufficient.  I don't really need anything in particular even though there is always something that's not positive rolling around in my head.  Always some dark force threatening to steal my good vibes.  Sometimes its just the realities of true life bringing me to be thoughtful or sad.  But usually I stay pretty strong or pissed or whatever it takes to keep it all in check on the day to day. Ultimately though, I tend to surface at some point feeling very deprived of something that I cannot pinpoint.   My appetite is inflexible but whatever it is that I need or think I need is super elusive.

Maybe the fix doesn't exist because the need is all an illusion.  I've contemplated that thought lately and talk about feeling pissed.  Come to think of it, I am probably fully capable of self sabotaging my own contentment.  If you have a chance for some peace why wouldn't you give it to yourself? So my theory is that I create all this false void out of some sick neurosis. Even though it'd be just like me, this time it's a George Bush invented 'unknowable'.  I got no clue how to fill my own damn hole. Void or otherwise.

Now I'm talking to myself basically.  But isn't that what a blog is?  Conversations with ourselves that no one seems to want to have with us?