Eat, Love, Pray

Stewed Chicken with Quinoa

Brother Dave's Birthday gravesite. His family shared photos of their celebration of his memory

I don't understand how to selfie.  I have not practiced much but once or twice a year I'll see a great photo of someone and think I could pull that off but turns out, no, no I can't.  First of all you don't take them in the mirror but otherwise my nose always looks twice it's size. 

So my niece shared a story on group text about my brother's love of chocolate cake, her dad who passed.  So at work that day, a coworker coincidentally brought an entire box of these sweet little cupcakes from Baked, mostly chocolate.  I had two like a maniac.  Another blessing was that we had food catered in from El Mexicano, the most tasty Mexican take out I've had in Brooklyn.  I thought of brother Lobo and how in Catholic school you brought treats in for your birthday to give to your classmates.  I always loved that idea because it taught kids that you could actually share and give instead of get on your special day.  Possibly brother sent these blessings! 

When You're Feeling Down and Your Resistance is Low

For a couple of months this fall our restaurant at work went out of commission.  Nothing worked and we were told stories of new equipment that needed to be made or pipes that had burst.  Other folks told chilling tales of infestations and detailed accounts of rats falling from the ceiling.  Then an official statement was sent as to what to say to customers and more importantly, what they were going to serve in the staff cafeteria for my belly!  And it was good.  They would cater in food from neighborhood businesses.  My favorite being El Mexicano.  A banquet set up of all their offerings and 3 meats, including this almost sweet shrimp concoction that the kids just couldn't get enough of as well as 3 different types of hot sauce.  I had to pace myself because I wanted to do some serious damage to that bar by lunchtime.  But you live and learn.  Go slow, don't be a glutton, choose wisely and enjoy it.  Be in the moment when you're devouring this amazing dream food.  This is a treat. 
When I like something a great deal, it's hard not to obsess over it and overindulge.  Tough not to completely envelope myself in it. I try so hard.  But as you live this life, the awesomeness is less and less.  The thrills are fewer and farther in between.  What was once a fun-filled daily ride is now a grind, a tiring grind, sometimes devoid of any fun at all.  You come to realize that all those flowers along the road were not permanent.  Things from the past that bring you pleasure are treasured keepsakes that you store in your mind and bring them out to admire and adore in private moments. 

But it's sad because those things are gone now, dead for all intents and purposes from my real life.  But all the what could be's are waiting for me, supposedly.  I read that on some meme.  I still want to believe it's true but sometimes in these moments of lost faith I just see myself as walking the earth like a corpse, a shadow of what I once was or could have been.

A pizza slice is the image of hope later that night.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

 My sister's heavenly tamales

My sister makes gorgeous, I'm assuming ridiculously delicious tamales all the time and sends me pictures of them.  I love tamales and know how to make them but it takes time, good pork and patience. And skill.  Plus after all the work of putting the ingredients together and seasoning just right, you must then spend time assembling them.  This is when I get sloppy and yet sis takes the time to tie sweet little corn husk ribbons on hers.  But out of the grey skies today the world stopped spinning on it's normal boring axis, and shat out a tamale happenstance just for me.  A flat tire caused me to take the subway instead of my bike to work.  Reaching my stop, even though the humidity was fierce, I could walk the rest of the way rather than bussing it in comfortable air-conditioning and it would save time.  I knew I wanted to get a good picture of my newfound bestie restaurant so I walked by and saw this handwritten sign surely from God saying:

I ran in and ordered, my feet barely touched the ground the rest of the way I was so happy.

They were not as pretty as Rach's but they tasted divine as does everything I've tried from this delightful place. 

All I Leave Behind Me Is Only What I Found

P took a road trip to see a jam band music festival with this brother in Scranton.  I texted him that New York had air quality alerts due to the heavy stench of old Burkenstocks coming over from the Northwest.  Old man hippie stank thick like a fog.  I thought it was funny.

Meanwhile, rain hit the area hard and taking the subway gave me the opportunity to finally try this new little Mexican joint under the overpass.  I had no cash and the morning cook didn't know how to operate the credit card machine.  At a stand still he decided to let me slide like Wimpy, promising to pay for my tacos another day.

These times are when I feel so 'unMexican', so uncool.  Some crazy hybrid awkward geek mutant that can't speak Spanish or even convey a simple promise.  My sister busted me right away when I told her the story.  She knew I would become way too chatty nervously trying to explain that I would definitely come back that afternoon to pay.  I ended up sounding like Miss Jane in one of her screwball episodes.  What a nerd turd I can be sometimes.  It's a leftover from my Midwestern days where if you ever did anything wrong in society as a Mexican child you must immediately become convincingly trustworthy and sound.  In other words you never wanted to start any trouble or make waves.  Certainly never be caught unable to pay at check out.  My mom was big on always being presentable and not giving anyone ammunition to become hostile. I took this to heart.

But this guy looked like he could care less if he ever saw me again,  Apparently old lady goobers aren't captivating.  Made me feel even worse. My dorkiness aside, its as if people are less connected every year, less human, less feeling.  Less moved by each other.  We're moving too far away from our natural animal communication abilities.  Not many people look you in your eyes anymore. Do you notice that?  There is a lot to see in those peepers, for me anyway.  He had no idea how psyched I was to finally try this place.  How I thought it was so brave to start a business in this corner.  How happy it made me for them that it most certainly paid off.  How the rain made this moment possible in a sweet chance encounter that made me feel even more linked to this man, making my tacos.

Later, after work I walked back to pay my debt and to try another offering for my dinner.  This time with more social armor up.  This morning it was steak, so I bought two chicken tacos. I waved at him,  happy to see he was still working but the gesture was not acknowledged, although he motioned to the cashier that I owed from this morning.

Later I sat in my apartment enjoying the chicken taco with a huge iced lemon seltzer considering how we're failing more every day at humanity.  If you can't conjure a little love with a simple taco exchange on a rainy day then I fear the end is surely not far behind.