Sunday, April 26, 2015

Where Is My Mind? Where Is My Mind?

I go back and forth wondering if I'm depressed or just kinda boring now.  I really don't want to do a lot of extra things outside of my regularly scheduled programming on most days.  Sometimes I'm up for anything!  But full disclosure, that's true only in theory.  I usually hate the idea, at first.  But I can be talked into things very easily.  Well, I guess that's not all the way correct either.  Listen, I enjoy many occasions. I do like to go on walks.  I like eating at restaurants.  I love being in the movie theater.  I love live music and would go more often if P would also enjoy it.  But you know at this point we have these like rider lists where it's all good but, with conditions.  For example, at a live show, I need to know there are bathrooms accessible and nearby.  P wants confirmed seating and is not down with all day outdoor concerts anymore.  Stuff like that.  So sometimes when you want something to happen you gotta sort of negotiate with your spouse.  It's like an honest business transaction, usually easy enough but also very easy to blow off.
Especially when you really don't care either way.  And that sounds sad but actually it's just a testament to how content I am a good portion of the time, until I'm not.  I do my thing.  I work full time and we have scattered hours from each other, so each week is different and when we connect we have fun and laugh.  We've been together 25 years, so we've done the date nights, we've had hundreds of romantic times and have lived spontaneously, we've fought and took it out of each other.  Now, we sort of play it by ear.  Let the chips fall where they may.
I fall deeply in love with my alone time especially when P is in the house doing something himself. It's the best of both worlds.  I love space to nurse an idea leisurely, like what to make for dinner.  I study the ingredients and finally make the dinner as the actual activity.  Eating is the bonus finish and then I'm pretty much good.  If I can accomplish one task like that after work, exercise, shower and clean up than I consider that a good full day.
I have these silent experiments and afterwards go back and quietly critique my own work.   I'm always considering stories and how it relates back to the meal I just made.  I write myself continuous emails & notes.  Those singular thoughts that will form a ball at some point. If I'm trying something new or special, then I'll photograph it all angles, all lights.  Do you know how hard it is to get an appetizing food pic?  Let me tell you it's not easy and sometimes damn near impossible.  It's kinda weird to do all this but I seem to enjoy it.
I can't smoke or grill in this tiny apartment so a jerk rubbed chicken and vegetables was as close as I was gonna get to authentic.  Roasted cauliflower, chick peas and brussel sprouts also jerk spiced were the perfect bed.
I think my conclusion is that I am neither boring or depressed but possibly an eccentric recluse who likes to cook.

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