Knowledge Comes with Death's Release

I really do feel the need to write down my thoughts.  As if they are of value to anyone.  Mainly it is just to get them out of my damn head.  They are like loud crying babies.  Enough already!  Okay, so you feel this way.  Who cares really?  But I'm driven.  One day perhaps I will learn the art of true writing and share a brilliant novel.  I can't say it's a dream.  I don't really believe in those anymore.  The fact is I am less certain of what I do believe these days than any other.  In my 30s I was so certain about how I felt.  And now I listen to everyone because anyone could change my view, it's not built on a solid foundation.  In fact it's not built on anything at all. It just hangs there like a cloud formation moving and shifting, sometimes clearing to sunny skies and other times churning into a giant storm.

Should Bernie Sanders be the president?  Maybe. I mean I like him.  The ideas that I can wrap my mind around I'm for, not all of them.  Not sure we need to get the government more involved in our lives.  Do I trust Hilary?  Not really but she has so much experience and she seems to want this very badly.  To me, she shined at the debate.  What do I know from Socialism?  All I can tell you is I work for a Swedish company and they try to make their very cool hippie ideas work in Brooklyn and the masses just sort of spit it back at them like regurgitated meat. I think beautiful ideas might be challenged beyond comprehension in the new US. Do I care if people have guns or get to keep their assault rifles?  Shit, I got people close to me that care deeply about that subject.  Me, I live in a city and guns don't have a place here. I'm sure I'd feel different in another town.  I don't want to ever have to shoot a gun. That's just me. Do I want to be robbed without a weapon?  Shit. Next question. My at the time 80 something parents were home invaded while my sister was visiting.  My dad had a gun.  She had a gun and all the assailants had rifles.  No one was shot but they knocked my dad on the head with the barrel and it was a horrible, horrible thing that happened.  They got away with a laptop and a few hundred dollars but will my sister ever feel safe again and my dad coulda had a damn heart attack or died when he fell.  Assholes should be shot for doing that.  Do we need more assholes in prison or should we teach them all yoga and give them free college educations.  Shit, I don't have any answers.  I see people's points but less often feel I could shed light on anything.

For the next few years I think I'm just going to listen and try not to voice an opinion because again, almost any view feels right at any given time lately.  Is sin real or just another bullshit man-made guilt trip to get you to feel bad and be suppressed?  Does anything have a purpose or is this shit just all random?  Do we come from apes or that new artificial planet thing they just spotted?  Why are we moved to do anything?  Does our mind come preprogrammed?

I woke up and felt driven to bake potatoes, whip them up with a little roasted garlic, greek yogurt and pepper and restuff them along with my turkey stuffing leftovers for a dinner that I was sure to love.  And I did.  I did truly love it.  I thought about it, created it and ate it.  A perfect little start to finish.  Something that rarely happens.  If this were my life in it's entirety, I might just be satisfied. Woke up, thought of a good dinner, went home and made it and then died in my sleep.  No guns were fired, no lies were told, no one got hurt and it has a happy ending.  I believe that is a good story.

The Only Difference is Your Down There

The internet is great for introverts. After they cut off my alcohol, turns out I'm not outgoing at all.  Matter of fact, I'm downright shy and all closed up like an abandoned hotel or hospital.  A huge empty space where each room has a story that noone is telling.

I have a few friends, but not buddies like I used to have.  No one to just call and hang with at a moment's notice.  Even my mate has to be given a well thought out proposal for a night out.  It doesn't just happen.  But that's the age I'm in as well.  People are busy with their adult lives, children and families.  You get into patterns and into the wrongly named sweat pants because let's face it, that's the last thing you're doing when you put those things on.

You don't need a sunny day for the internet.  You don't need to dress for the occasion or look your best.  You can sit with hot tea or coffee and explore what delights your senses at any given time.  Except preferably not while you're walking down the street coming straight at me.  Otherwise, anytime is right for catching up with 'friends'.  The criteria has changed as well.  To be a friend, you don't necessarily have to 'be there' and sharing real experiences can happen cyberly.  Pictures suffice.

This works for me because most people that hold any fondness for me live way out of town or in other states I've realized. It seems I am so much better at a long distance.  And they are for me too in ways since I'm not good at showing up to social situations. But is this new way of connecting healthy and does it still provide the same vital hormones needed to replace real human contact?  This I ponder.

I get real sad and lonely but usually a good meal, movie or good song will clear that right up. Or not. It's hit and miss actually but it's always worth a shot.   This quick article caught my eye.  Recreate a Wendy's Frosty, a guilty pleasure for like 70 calories.  That kept me entertained for hours.  Shopped for the bananas, talked about it, went home and finally made it.  It was great and I even shared it with a real live human.

It's not like adding people into the equation ever helped my loneliness before, but it seems the most obvious fix.  I will die trying to figure how to live a happier life.  Until then I live it as happy as I am able.

The internet also inspired me to get creative and make a ground turkey version of a stuffing for turkey.  I used wild rice, nuts, spinach, mushrooms, sage, rosemary and thyme.

I don't always show up for life but when I do I like to try to make it count.

Easy to Be Hard

On 9/11 right before I rode to work, I thought, leave early.  Maybe you'll get to see something.  It was 9/11 after all and sometimes on this day you could catch a happening, or a thing.  Maybe it's a group of cops, an interaction or really, it could be anything because people are sort of hyper aware on this day.  They're more emotional.  They're more willing to share or talk to strangers.  In fact on this day it's not uncommon to just talk to someone on the street without any introduction, somehow you just are connected before you speak.  They accept it and you know it.  And I always think, wow, wouldn't it be great if everyday we all woke up this open to receiving love or good?  I admit I'm as closed as anyone, singing song lyrics on my bike or reciting lines from movies as if I'm completely alone on the planet.  I make verbal lists of things to do or get for dinner.  Other people out there are not real in some ways to me or just sort of dreamlike.  I feel connected only in that I see them as potential hazards to cut me off or run into me while they're mindlessly texting in the streets or in their own world because to them, I don't really exist either.  Drivers are trying to get to work. Bus drivers are meeting deadlines and racing and stressing and being reckless.  More and more, it feels unreal to be out of doors and that is a little troubling to me.  It's not always like this.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the ONLY one awake and noticing others so it gets lonely.  Maybe I'm finally succumbing to a condition that has already happened to most people.

It was a nice day and I caught a memorial for firefighters from a station on State Street.  It was incredibly moving and a big production.  No one was there outside of a few women and kids, possibly the families of the deceased.  I was respectful like walking into a church.  I watched and felt all the seriousness of the day again.  I felt more in tune with the air and the road and the people and the day.  I noticed a lot more than usual that day.

Another low key gathering at a station in Red Hook as I got closer to work. One of the guys waved to me and I started bawling.

I used to get scared something was gonna happen every anniversary but instead now I try to focus on that change in the atmosphere that allows people including myself to be more receptive to their physical environment.  It's super easy to tune the physical world out everywhere now, even at home.  But I hope I don't forget how great it is to allow your body to breathe in the actual moment and how good it is to talk to someone right in front of you, while looking straight in their eyes.  Both of you right there in the moment.  All you have to do is be and it creates all this energy.   It might be a great time to start a million personal wars on hate.

Take out grilled steak and corn salad from Habana to Go.