If You a Loser or a Winning Man

The Fulton Mall Downtown Brooklyn

When I first came to New York one of the first things I noticed was there were tons of straight men that were not shy in their pursuit of women. In San Francisco from where I came, you truly could start to believe the species no longer existed.  That they had been replaced by plant-based, non muscly shoe-gazers that mainly wanted to be your friend and who always came with some gay leanings.  Coming from that extreme, so protected, it was almost vulgar the way these manly men spoke here, the way they looked you up and down, without shame.  I was able to roam free with just flimsy bras and slutty clothes without notice in SF where here I quickly learned to keep my naughty parts under wraps.  I also learned that procreation was king out here.  Men were looking to spread their sperm and women were looking to breed.  Even the bodies were different, everyone seemed to come in a larger size.   The whole social process was turned up to 11.  I was out of my element and realized I needed to just move out of the way.  I was a shapeless little waif, in my mid 30's still not understanding the meaning or value of life.  I was not even in this game.  The big money rat race was it's own monster while the underbelly was all these good people coming to this country to make futures and families.  I always loved New York and wanted so much to be a part of its core.  I think now I realize you can come and watch but I could no more be a New Yorker than I could be an Asian.  But it has a lot to teach nonetheless.

You think nothing ever changes and then it does.  The Fulton Mall in downtown Brooklyn has changed over the last 5 years but its been subtle.  The landscape is making big strides with new high rises going up right and left.  All the ridiculous shops that lined the streets are closing one by one and being replaced by recognizable brand names, which is good for shopping.  It's still a little sad to see a piece of old New York fade away.

Now the streets of Manhattan is filled with more metro-sexuals and the mating game is far less serious I guess because the stakes are not as high.  It was a good lesson though for me to learn that men find women and vise-versa for real purpose and not just fun and laughs.  That the whole mating ritual was not solely for quick pleasures but like worker ants, this was an entire system with structure.

This Accordion Chicken Primavera had great structure as it was filled with zucchini, tomatoes, spinach and mushrooms. 

You're a Nobody Girl

After work on a sunny afternoon I rode to see my friend at her new job.  Just wanted to say hi and see that she was doing okay and maybe check out the place, shop around a little.  Located in downtown Brooklyn which is not actually a real thing yet by the way.  It's more of an area. Downtown Brooklyn is kind of like that Brit Bit song, I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.  It's not fully formed and still like the wild west in so many ways. Even though its been up and coming for years, the Fulton Mall is somewhere trapped between the 1970's and Mars.  I don't think the streets behind the Fulton Mall exist in time at all.

I got off my bike and walked it up on the sidewalk, looked in the windows of her store and couldn't see her anywhere.  What seemed like a zillion kids just let out of school and lots of hustle and bustle from the nearby subway stop made it feel very chaotic all the sudden.  Some guys were harassing a high school aged girl, yelling out 'shorty with the black jacket, come here' over and over.  Her lack of response did nothing to deter their efforts. I decided to try a visit another day.  I got on my bike and crossed the street.  I was waiting for the light to change and all the sudden my back wheel slid as if on ice and as I struggled to get my balance I heard and felt a loud bang. It was my helmet being punched and yanked, someone else had kicked my back wheel, so my body spun around before falling.  Sounds so innocent and playful now to say, oh, it was just a bunch of school kids.  But that's exactly what it was. My neck is still sore days later though and it wasn't playful at all. The smallest one pulled my helmet off in the way that football players grab when they tackle, my neck twisting with it until it couldn't turn any more and the helmet popped off like a cork and rolled down the street as I fell. It happened so fast. I stood up and pulled my bike with me as I snatched up my helmet and looked up just in time to see the bunch walking away yelling and laughing crossing back over to the other side.  I scanned the crowd for any possible allie but only saw people staring in their cars and those walking moved along quickly.  Maybe they were nervous to get involved, maybe they didn't care.  I didn't want to know.  I just screamed, 'Mutherf*#@ers! but quickly realized they could easily run back and finish me off if they chose, so I rode off even though my adrenaline was through the roof.

By the time I got home I was in a rage.  I will be honest, I seriously wanted to hurt those young boys. Me, a supposed grown person! I felt so accosted. I closed the apartment door and screamed bloody murder until my cat was like 'Aww come 'ere girl, come and git you some. On second thought, why don't you pet me, yeah right there, little more, little more, now keep it going for like 20 minutes, k?'  I calmed down.  Then I texted my sister and friend to get some compassion.  My sister asked why I didn't call the police and I had to explain how ridiculous that would be in the city.  After a half hour I came to the conclusion that although it was a shitty thing to do, they were kids doing what some bored kids in the city do after school, harass bikers.  Whereas I've managed to recover from their nonsense before, this one went farther but I had no recourse.  I wasn't sure what I was but it wasn't fine and my neck has been whack for days. This is probably just another one of those situations where I need to wait until the pain passes but it will probably be okay after rest.   So that means for awhile my off time will be filled with grand scenes of what I 'could' have done and said.  I don't do well with getting over stuff.  This was random but felt so personal.  It felt so hateful but they didn't know me, I was just no one to them.  And maybe that's exactly why it felt so cruel.  To yourself, in your head all day, it's the you show, starring you!  Then out of the blue more than one person comes along and makes you realize you truly are nothing to most people.  You're a nobody girl.

This quickest chicken and rice also happened super fast that night by just browning up two chicken thighs and in the same pan threw in some garlic cloves, onion, broth and rice.  Stirred, brought to a boil and stuck in the oven for 40 minutes.