Sometimes I consider suicide. I'm sure other people do too and probably more often than most admit. I feel in life you should give every idea some thought. Some say it's the worst thing but in fact the absolute worst things are much worse. Killing kittens, slapping a baby, tripping the elderly or harming anyone is more extreme. I don't like to think about how I'd do it, that's way too morbid. And as soon as I think of anyone being sad about it, I stop. I guess I believe it's selfish and irresponsible. That's such a Catholic thing, guilt for feeling depressed. It's as if we can't let ourselves enjoy even our worst emotions in peace.
In examining the concept, I have discovered similar to using a method of playing super sad music and slowly progressing to happy tunes, really digging in and contemplating suicide can be very therapeutic. First you start off hopeless and feeling like nothing you could ever do will help your situation. Let your mind go limp, it's over, nonsense stopped. Fully decide to quit living and be good with that. Then for however long it takes, picture yourself completely gone. Everything in your world evaporated. No more access to your things, all that horribleness you thought to leave behind no longer exists. Turns out that's not such a great feeling after all. Nonexistence is blank. Eventually with nothing left of yourself, you begin imagining others, the people in your life sitting with their grief and that is also not good. You're sad already, the last thing you want to do is make people hurt. So this begins the slow climb back up the emotional ladder. Its simple math or something. You just can't do it. It's never the right thing. Nothing is so bad as to equal self induced death.
Basically if you were just considering death, after that it's all pretty much up hill. Life isn't so bad if you take all possible pressure off yourself. All you have to do is just breathe and take the next step.
Today's troubles are enough for today.
Sometimes it feels like every single thing is connected. If all that matters is that I don't off myself, then certainly the burden of creating an amazing dinner is lifted as well.
P was out of town so I made Cincinnati Chili with leftover spaghetti and meat sauce. It's surprising how quickly one can transform into the other with a bit of chili powder and Cheddar Cheese. My first portion had the noodles separated from the sauce and cold cheddar on top as it should be. The next helping I just schlepped it in the pan on high heat.
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Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?